Choosing Not to Spank - Part 2

by Laurie Morgan

MY EXPERIENCES

I will begin by giving you some relevant background about me. I do not have a name for the type of Christian I am, some people would call me a “baby” Christian, because I begged Christ to come into my heart less than six years ago. My husband calls himself “born again” and sometimes “charismatic” if you want a label that might fit me. My favorite Bible teacher, Joyce Meyers, calls herself “pentecostal”. I don’t know much at all about labels, denominations, and such. All I know to say about my faith is that I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Since I was a small child I knew that what Jesus spoke was ultimate truth.

I believe that the Bible is the written Word of God, and I have personal experience of the power of that Word in my life to back that belief. I am not particular about which Bible to read, though I know some people are. If I find a contradiction among translations of a verse, I try to find illumination through studies of the original Greek and Hebrew. I usually study out of an Amplified Bible, though I will quote the King James here because so many people are familiar with it. Also important is my belief that the Bible is a complete work. Therefore, my view of it as a whole is always influenced by Christ's words. I think it is very important not to take scripture out of its original context, in order to make it appear to mean what we want it to.

I do not spank. No matter how you sugar coat it, the fact is that spanking is hitting a child. I think hitting kids in any way, for any reason, is wrong. I am not a perfect parent, nor a perfect person. I sometimes lose control and yell and get too rough with my kids. I know this is wrong. Still, I believe that Jesus made it clear in many ways that we should not hit people, least of all our kids. Matthew 7:12 is a good place to start: popularly known as, “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. It could hardly be clearer. I don’t want to be hit, so I should not hit others.

My parents used to spank me in the way that many Christian spanking proponents claim is the "wrong" way. The following questions have been asked of my personal experience in the past: What was the context of the hitting? My answer: The contexts were varied. Q. Were my parents faithful disciples of our God raising me and training me in the faith with great love and affection? A. I know now that they weren’t, but I believe that they thought that they were at the time. Q. Did they only spank in a thoughtful and careful manner? A. I don't think it's possible to spank in a completely thoughtful manner, but in the sense that the questioner meant it, my parents only did so sometimes. Other times, yes they spanked out of frustration and anger.

I would agree if you said it; this probably had a large influence on my current view of spanking in general. I acknowledge that there are significant differences between the more commonly accepted ways of spanking and that which I experienced, and yet I will still say with strong conviction: I know that I know, that I know, that I know, that intentionally inflicting physical pain upon me as a child, for whatever reason, was wrong. Period. On the other hand, even when only considering spankings delivered in a supposedly “loving”, “thoughtful”, or “controlled” manner, I can confidently assert that any parent’s time would be more fruitfully spent finding and learning effective alternatives to corporal punishment altogether, than on figuring out how to “lovingly” administer spankings.

I also must insist that the purposefully “careful” spanking that most Christians advocate is a far cry from what most parents actually do when they spank. I seriously doubt that there are any parents who always exhibit the type of control that is most commonly advocated, which means that almost all parents who spank are doing so abusively, at least on occasion. Please see the following enlightening article entitled "Avoiding Millstones" at http://www.fix.net/~rprewett/millstones.html for more excellent advice to those who encourage other parents to spank. Since even the most adamant spanking advocates agree that spanking in anger is harmful, it is unquestionably critical that all parents have a repertoire of effective alternatives to spanking for those instances where the parent is angry. It seems clear to me then, that if the “careful” spanking theory were possible, there would never be reason to spank. Why? Well, if a parent never spanks in rage or anger, but always reverts to another more acceptable tactic in such an instance, then that “other” effective activity -- initiated by the parent for the purpose of regrouping so that they may give a fully rational and calculated spanking -- must first be found and then abandoned to proceed with a spanking. This is neither biblical nor sane.

The following example demonstrates my point. If my two year old slipped her hand out of mine and ran toward the path of an oncoming car, and I became enraged at such “misbehavior” to the point where spanking advocates would all agree that I should not spank, then what am I to do? Should I stand there and allow my child to get killed with the intent of spanking her (the “right” way) later? Any sane person would say no. My solution to that situation is, I run after the child and shout "NO! Car!" all the while praying that one of the two (me or the shout) stop her before the car hits her. The end. I have learned from this situation that my child does not have enough information to keep herself safe near the road, and I take non-punitive precautions to see to it that she not get killed until the time that she is able to protect herself.

The actual mechanics of acceptable “non-punitive precautions” in this example will vary with the individuals involved. I might offer to carry my child or push her in a stroller when we are near roads if we both prefer that. I might make time to help her to explore a safe road in a safe way. I might find out why she wanted to run in the road in the first place – to get her ball, for instance -- and help her get that without getting hurt. In the meantime, as a responsible parent, I use creativity to communicate to her the possible ramifications of running into the street without first looking. Eventually she learns, and I eventually trust her good judgment (rather than a punishment) to keep her out of the path of oncoming traffic and other such dangers.

My preferred method requires imagination. It requires looking for solutions that may not be as obvious or easy as spanking. This method requires time and attention. It requires, above all, believing that a better solution than spanking might exist. The non-punitive method, therefore, may look to some like too much work, and thus a reason to spank. Yet again, even Christians who advocate spanking will usually agree that such laziness or lack of self-discipline on the part of the parent are not valid excuses for spanking. God commands us to love one another. Love is not displayed in punishing someone when there are better, gentler ways of dealing with conflicts just as effectively.

I must point out briefly that this does not even begin to address the question of whether a child's reaction to spanking is a reliable enough deterrent to entrust the life of the child to it's efficacy or not. Suffice it to say, expecting a spanking (or threat thereof) to keep a child safe is like playing Russian Roulette; the height of irresponsibility. Some spanking advocates will rush in at this point to insist that they advocate simultaneously teaching a child safety, and yet I must wonder again, if such “teaching” were effective then what need would there be for spanking, and if there is no need then is it not purely sadistic abuse?

From reading the arguments of many spanking advocates, I know that most agree that real parents often spank for any number of “insufficient” reasons, even by pro-spanking lights. Parental tiredness or lack of creativity, for example, are not reasons anyone accepts as valid for spanking, nor are they biblical. Considering this, I am left to wonder what action would truly necessitate a spanking, then. I have asked many a spanking advocate to provide me with a single such scenario to no avail. I believe -- and my limited experience confirms -- that every parenting conundrum under the sun has been creatively handled effectively without spanking by somebody somewhere. I admittedly ask for such examples with the educated assumption that it is impossible to come up with a situation that can’t be. Any one parent may not be able to come up with the solution to every circumstance, but with the help of family and community and the conviction to try, there are solutions to be found. In such a world, it seems the only reason a parent would have left to spank is out of frustration or anger, which ironically, everyone seems to agree should not be done.

Few parents stop to consider the fact that it is sometimes their own expectations that need changing and not their children's behavior. I often find myself having the wrong attitude about something that is perfectly delightful about my child. The way she jumps up and down for instance. On any given day I can choose to be annoyed by this behavior, or I can praise God that she has two strong, agile legs and the joy of using them. I’m sure it’s clear that the latter attitude brings glory to God who made my children just as they are. I believe that the application of this train of thought is so endless that you might never find a reason to spank, were we to apply it in a dedicated fashion to our entire view of our children. Such childish behaviors as rowdiness, day dreaming, distractibility, zoning out, destructiveness, etc. can also be seen as youthful exuberance, creativity and imagination, cooperation, intense focus, and inquisitiveness. Without finding chapter and verse for it, I can confidently say that God wants us to behold His creations as the gifts that they are, not with a harshly critical eye.

“But…but…” spanking proponents often say to me, “What about, ‘Spare the rod, spoil the child?’ to which -- as I alluded to earlier -- I say; while the prevailing social conventions would have us believe otherwise, there is actually absolutely no biblical mandate for spanking. There is even less support for a “careful” kind of spanking -- as opposed to angrily beating, for which there really is some tenuous support when the referring passages are taken completely out of their intended context. As well as the blatantly obvious fact that spanking itself is never, ever, mentioned in the Bible at all – neither by name nor description -- there is also absolutely no mention of the equally popular practice of simply “tapping” a child’s hand or bottom rather than hitting them hard enough with a stick to hurt. Besides, I cannot imagine how spanking can really be considered effective for changing behavior if the point is not to hurt? Would the feelings of betrayal or confusion such actions invoke be what influence the child then? And where is the biblical support for using that kind of motivation?

In my study of spanking and its relation to Christianity I have found many convincing references to the fact that, in biblical times, the shepherd’s rod was used to guide sheep, never to strike them as exemplified in Psalms 23:4 “…thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” Thus in the real scriptures it is the “rod” of gentle guidance that should obviously not be spared. This is very much in keeping with other scripture, and in line with the biblical portrayal of Jesus – our example -- as a loving shepherd. Jesus is never shown hitting even the most wicked sinners in the Bible, let alone children. Some Christians will point out that in Proverbs and many other books of the Bible there are some scriptures in which a rod is a literal stick used to strike things, and not figurative. This is true, but hardly proof that the Proverbs rod is literally meant to hit a child with. Even those who disagree with me about how best to provide it can agree, we are undoubtedly meant to use a figurative rod of guidance and protection on our children. In any case, for Christians who wish to be so literal, there is absolutely no biblical support for swatting a child on the bottom, nor doing so with a hand. You simply can’t argue for both.

Some pro-spanking Christians have argued that “God punishes His children, and therefore so should we” to support their actions. Actually, God promises in plenty of scriptures that there will be negative consequences to bad behavior, but even when the devil harms us our loving God promises to use it for our good. Just because God has the power to punish doesn’t also mean that we humans should be trying to be mini Gods -- lording it over our earthly children -- by mimicking our perfect, all knowing God’s actions in every way. God came to us as Jesus to be our example. St. Paul even made a clear distinction in Hebrews 12:10, between the way human fathers chasten their children after their own pleasures as opposed to the way God chastens us for our profit.

Despite the biblical mandate that Christians submit to authority, most will agree that unconditional obedience is not always wise. Jesus certainly confronted many “authorities” when He was right and they were wrong. And it is wrong to teach children to obey all authorities without question. Yet that this is just what many spankers are unwittingly doing, which is one more reason why spanking is wrong. The whole point in spanking is to encourage the child to do what the parent deems right, against the child's original (supposedly “bad”) judgement, either now or in the future. Spankers who want spanking to "succeed" have to be consistent and spank on the assumption that they are spanking for a good reason. In this case they would obviously expect obedience. If a parent could see a reason, in advance, why the child would have an acceptable reason for disobeying, then the parent wouldn't spank them for it! It is simply impossible to simultaneously demand that a child to obey a human without question and at the same time teach them to listen to the Holy Spirit’s guidance.

So, there is the problem that the Bible instructs us not to cause others to sin. Spanking often works on the surface to encourage a certain type of behavior, but it remains to be proven that the behaviors parents encourage with spanking are biblically desirable in themselves. Parents are not perfect, and by forcing obedience will therefore invariably force sin upon their children. If spanking were to succeed in changing a child’s heart and mind as many spanking proponents claim, a child of imperfect parents would inevitably be forced to believe falsehoods sometimes too. Fortunately, or not, spanking does not force real change in a child's heart except to say that it can definitely harden it, which I say from personal experience.

How could forcing a child to obey his parents possibly teach him to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit? Submission to force requires first abandoning one’s internal direction. Surely, everyone can agree that the point of discipline should not be to encourage children to deceive their parents through false obedience. Clearly, true obedience to a parent comes from the prompting of the Holy Spirit, and the love and respect of God. Therefore it is that superior relationship to God, not the reverence of an earthly parent, that a child should be encouraged to have. What is deceptively true is that spanking may change a child’s behavior, while simultaneously triggering much more harmful thoughts and feelings such as hatred, revenge, secrecy, and distrust. Even when children who are spanked behave in every way the Bible says children should, parents should not believe blindly that their children’s hearts are affected in a positive way. I know for certain that I myself often hated the very people I strictly obeyed. Dogs can be made to drool at the sound of a bell. How can one know the heart of a child by their actions? One cannot truly, but if any child has come to see being hit, or the hitting of small children in a positive light, then that serves as a strong indication that they have been harmed, not helped!

Another important point to consider is that children who are too young to reason are also too young to understand the intricate “reasons” that supposedly distinguish a “loving” spanking from mere abuse. How could they possibly discern otherwise? Every pre-verbal child I know of has expressed extreme displeasure at least when given their first spanking if not every time. Sure, many kids can eventually be convinced that spanking is good for them, but that does not prove that their initial, God-given reaction was not valid in the same way it would be in response to a malicious beating. What proof is there that a pre-verbal child feels the difference? None. The proof that they do not discern a difference is that children act the same the first time they are spanked as they do the first time they are ever hit maliciously. They may be stunned, they usually cry, sometimes they are outraged if they feel safe enough to express such feelings. From the perspective of the person being hit, the old adage, “it’s the thought that counts” does not hold true.

Readers may feel inclined to ask how it can be proven that spanking older children does not make their hearts want to obey because it is right? Ask yourself, do children always obey cheerfully with a threat of spanking? Hardly. Do I obey God cheerfully? YES!!!! I know that God is always right, that makes it easy. My heart loves to obey God, not because He punished me...He didn't. I was always free to disobey Him and still am. My heart loves God because of His goodness and His mercy. Some people will misquote scripture to try to demonstrate that God Himself applies both pain and suffering, directly, in order to soften hearts, give wisdom, give understanding, drive out foolishness, etc. They assert that the wisdom He creates through these actions is not just that "pain hurts", but that God is just, loving, merciful, faithful, etc. I believe that those Christians are thus confused about God because parents have almost always punished children and told them it was for their own good. This circular bit of popular “logic”-- that being hit must be okay because I was hit and I’m okay -- is twisted and plainly doesn’t make it right!

Some people may be inclined to point to adults who are now followers of Christ who were spanked as children, as examples that spanking is good or at least harmless. As I’ve already explained, God clearly tells us that He will make good out of what the devil intends to harm us with. But would any Christian be so bold as to suggest that through abuse they should cause someone to be saved? One would hope not. And yet, the relationship between spanking and the salvation of our children is an issue that should not be taken lightly. Knowingly abusing one’s children is clearly not biblical. Spanking is abuse because it is causing physical and emotional pain against the wishes of the child. I don't even need to convince Christians to adopt this specific definition of abuse to prove my point. The responsibility to define abuse in a way that excludes being hit should rightfully be on the one who desires to hit children. Defining spanking in such a way is simply impossible. One thing is for certain, we should not go around inflicting pain upon our children, just because almighty God can make good come of it, or just because hitting them may or may not affect their salvation.

Fostering trust and respect by behaving respectably and trustworthily to our children is the only way for parents to rightfully encourage Godly obedience. Trying to control our children out of a fear that God will not adequately lead them is not Godly. Parents should not confuse their responsibility to guide a child (through explanations and help) with the right to manipulate and control and choose a direction for the child. This is the point at which Christians often quote Ephesians 6:1 and Colossians 3:20 to defend punitive discipline, but they fail to note the crucial context. It is of utmost importance to note that these passages address the child directly, and absolutely do not give the parent authority to force obedience, as so many people have traditionally twisted them to mean. As I already pointed out, similar passages speak to slaves, encouraging them to obey their masters, however few Christians today would have the gall to take those same passages as giving them authority to buy and keep slaves. The reason is the all important context. Again, I must stress, these scriptures address the individual reader.

Earthly mothers and fathers are seen by children as examples of what our Heavenly Father is like, especially those who try to act like God. Parents who claim to be acting on God’s authority when they spank are essentially saying that God endorses and approves of pain, humiliation, fear, dread, cowardice, and shame; to name a few. That is why a punishing parent makes it hard for the child to see God as good. Christians who advocate spanking generally see God as a punisher, and in turn are themselves the evidence of this to their children. Yet, I say again, God commands us to Love one another. Let’s look at what characteristics God’s word attributes to Love: long suffering (patient), does not envy, does not parade itself, is not puffed up, does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, rejoices in the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, never fails. Where does the practice of hitting a child fit in with these attributes?

There is still the danger of wrongly interpreting a child’s behavior and spanking in error. Why is this such a "danger"? Because of Matthew 7:1-6, which tells us not to judge lest we be judged. I Corinthians 8:1-13, which tells us not to encourage others to sin against their own consciences. Ephesians 6:4, which tells us not to exasperate our children. I can only speak from my own experiences, but spanking me as a child for a behavior my parents misinterpreted definitely exasperated me. Saying no to me for no good reason exasperated me too. By taking the short route of spanking and asking questions later, the parent is sinning. If, for example, my daughter asks for her peanut butter on her bread a certain way, and I say no, and she “defies” me by asking again, so I spank her, I am sinning by not considering the reasonability of her request. There is usually no good reason why my daughter can't have her peanut butter the way she wants, and when there is a good reason, she will be receptive to my explanation. Especially if she is used to me treating her desires with such respect and consideration. This example seems a bit ridiculous, but then when viewed objectively, so do many of the real excuses parents give for spanking like “willfulness,” “contrariness,” and “talking back”.

There is also the much debated problem that hitting kids teaches them that it's okay to hit people that are smaller than you as a means to conflict resolution. Some people will argue that there are appropriate times to hit. There are appropriate times to kill. Times to war. But I ask those folks; do we kill our kids to teach them about appropriate times to kill? No. Hitting kids teaches them that its okay for people to hit kids if the big person thinks they have a good reason. Whether the child exhibits more self control than their parents or not does not change the fact that they learn it. Parents who were spanked and go on to spank have learned this lesson in an exemplary fashion.

People who manipulate their children regularly often do so out of the belief that if kids are not controlled, they will not choose right. Actually, in being forced, a child is discouraged from using his ability to do what is right for the sake of being right, because what he sees as right is being beat out of him. When children do what their parents suggest out of love for God and what is right, obedience is a sincere and beautiful thing. I am not saying that this is not a challenging way to approach child raising. I am not able to follow it to a tee just yet myself. However, I do think that every parent must agree that our children are worth whatever work God requires of us. I firmly believe that if we parents act in a Christ-like manner in all ways, we will never have a “reason” to spank a child. It is true that we are not perfect, and are bound to fail in following the footsteps of Jesus, but it would not be biblical at all to force our child to shoulder the responsibility for our own failings in this quest.

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Copyright 2000 by Laurie Morgan
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