The reality of getting together with friends
 

How hard is it for you to meet up with friends whether as a couple or just the women? I’m curious what this looks like for others. I’m feeling frustrated but I don’t know if that is fair. A friend asked us to get together with her and her husband. This was early July. She gave us one date in mid August as an option because it was the only day open on their calendar. And even then she will have to drive her 15 yo to and from work that night. It’s the only day in August i have plans with other friends. She counters with the last Saturday in September. Is this normal? Are other parents lives so scheduled that it takes two months to get together with friends for dessert and coffee?

Flip side, Hubs and his buddy just scheduled a family weekend for our two families of five to spend the day on the lake and go to a NASCAR race the next day. It’s leaving me confused.

Both the families we were trying to connect with are families of 5 with teens.


I remember growing up my parents friends connecting in someway once a week or more. They all had kids too. It was an impromptu pool party, a Wednesday poker game. Friday night pizza and ping pong. Is my experience so different because of a culture change or was my experience just that odd growing up?

Re: The reality of getting together with friends
 

This has been my experience too.
I have a wonderful best friend. She does not do last minute plans well. We have to plan at least a few days in advance or it just isn't going to happen. Sometimes weeks in advance. I love her dearly so I work with this, and she tries to be a little more flexible and spontaneous for me as well.
But yes. It is hard. I remember weekly get-togethers for random events, last minute playdates, and park days. Lots of dinners. People are so busy now. Their kids are in so many activities, and they don't push for more Independence. The stress of go, go, go is why my kids are in nothing. We are looking into 4H this year for all of them, but that is it.

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Re: The reality of getting together with friends
 

Sometimes, yes :( Depending upon their other commitments, their work schedules, etc.

DH and I have a couple we are good friends with. She’s a nurse (so works weekends). DH is a pharmacist (so works some weekends and holidays). I coach volleyball, so evenings were tied up for me. We have been trying to get together since Christmas— we are finally hanging out August 3 and giving them their Christmas gift then (which, btw, I’ve forgotten what I even got them).

I just looked at my calendar— I have swim lessons with DD every Saturday, a wedding shower, a graduation party, a wedding, two kids’ birthday parties, my own daughter’s birthday party. I only have one free Saturday until the end of September :(

And if I’m being honest, sometimes I need time and space to breathe after being busy. So, sure, I could squeeze in coffee with a friend before church on Sunday, but if I’m being honest, I like having that time to maybe sleep in or lounge in my pajamas before church :shifty I need “me time” too.


So short answer: yes, some people are truly scheduled for months out and may also need some space and margin in their life to just breathe. It’s frustrating and hard :(


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Re: The reality of getting together with friends
 

For friends who aren't local, we normally have to schedule several months in advance, if not longer - especially for those who work shifts/irregular hours. It can be frustrating, but some of it it down to us anyway as we have children's extra-curricular activities, commitments with the wider family etc.

Re: The reality of getting together with friends
 

Nudge me cuz I’m the difficult To Get Together person.

But my dd is leaving for another country and We r about to drive her to the bus station in minutes . I opened this intending to answer, forgot cuz got busy and now don’t have time to answer

:up that’s my life which contributed to this issue :hiding

Re: The reality of getting together with friends
 

That’s my experience but it’s not just because people are highly scheduled it’s because when they have free time they want to spend it with their own families. When I was newly divorced the only free time I had was weekends. Everyone wanted (understandably) to be with their own family. We have quite a schedule. There definitely days that are free but they don’t often match up with friends.

Re: The reality of getting together with friends
 

Ugh...this is me and I hate it. I really think it's the stage of life we're in with three teens, but we are pretty social in general. We have a friend who just asked our family over for dinner and the first weekend evening we have free (any Fri., Sat. or Sun.) is Labor Day :jawdrop, (granted two of the weekends we are out of town, not just busy). I asked if we could do a weeknight and she said her family doesn't have a weeknight where they are all home....so I just dropped it and feel sad.

In answer to your question though, if it's just a girlfriend we can usually squeeze time in during the week. If it's couples, we can usually still find a weeknight evening. Our problem is usually when it involves our children.

Re: The reality of getting together with friends
 

People are busy
I wah 50 hrs a week
3 kids, two have one activity each

Re: The reality of getting together with friends
 

Thanks ladies for the perspective. I think I am just sad about this right now. I mean I understand working on weekends and holidays. We've lived that life for 15 years. Having weekends and holidays off is a relatively new lifestyle for us. My kids aren't in a ton of activities anymore because their interests have shifted so their participation is less weekly demand and more event and monthly. And I fiercely defend my own personal down time as an introvert who works long hours. I do not like to go out on week nights. So I guess in my own way I'm shutting down opportunities too. But meeting a friend at 7pm on a Tuesday when I have to get up at 5am Wednesday morning is not enjoyable.

For those of you who do have a hard time finding face to face time with local friends how do you fill that social need and maintain genuine friendship? I mean I love my husband and honestly he is my best friend, the person I prefer to hang out with over anyone else but at the same time he has even said to me "I can't be your everything."

Re: The reality of getting together with friends
 

I'm not sure dh and I have ever been out with another couple. I'm jealous that's even an option for some of you, even with a 2 month wait!

I can usually squeeze in coffee with a friend within 1-2 weeks.

I have a friend who lives an hour away and we try to get together with our kids once a year. She has 4. I have only 2-3 who would want to get together. It takes us months sometimes to find a day that works. Our teens are so busy with jobs and sports and school and she reserves weekends for time with daddy. So it's hard.

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---------- Post added at 12:50 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:48 PM ----------

I instant message one friend almost every day and sometimes it's kind of a running chat all day. That helps me!

With another friend, I do the meet for coffee thing. She's got littles so chatting via text isn't ideal for her.

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Re: The reality of getting together with friends
 

Its not that crazy with the people I know. We plan anything from a few days to a month ahead but usually only a,week ahead.

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Re: The reality of getting together with friends
 

Yeah, it is hard :( It’s okay to be sad about it. That makes total sense to me :hugheart

Church is one social outlet for me— attending services once a week and chatting with people after or before church. Last Sunday we had a fellowship meal after the service, and even though DD was with me and DH wasn’t, it was great to talk to other adults.

I talk daily to one of my mom friends on Snapchat. She lives in PA. But we were pregnant at the same time and parent similarly, so we message/send videos to each other daily on SC.

I created a Facebook group for all my mom friends, most of whom are local to me. Sometimes people will post in there things like, “Who wants to go to the park this week?” And I’ll make it happen if I can.




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Re: The reality of getting together with friends
 

I totally get it. I miss seeing my friends too. I have two very close friends who live nearby. We've been friends since elementary school. During the school year I don't see them. Pretty much ever. And they live 10-15 minutes away from me. They each have three young kids. I'm free in the afternoons, but they both have kids who are napping then (and no child care). I can't ever do anything in the evenings during the week because of dh's work schedule. I always feel weird asking people to do things on the weekends, because I feel like that is their family time to do things together. I'd love to get together with them and their kids on a Saturday morning while dh sleeps, but I feel like that's intruding on their family time.

During the summer I have gotten to see them a bit more around playdates with our kids. But that's not the same as just getting together as grown-ups, for sure. That maybe happens once a year with them.

Once in a while we get invited to another family's house for a Saturday evening dinner, though that's rare. It's terrible, but I hesitate to invite people over to our house (people from church) because they will likely stay really late. It's super hard to find any couples that dh and I both connect with. I can think of one couple, maybe two. So that makes it really hard- he doesn't really connect with my best friends' dhs. They are nice, but just have nothing in common with my dh. It is so isolating. I get it.

Re: The reality of getting together with friends
 

I never get together with friends without at least some of my kids with me. I think I've done it 3 times in the 15 years I've been a mom.

I don't, in that sense. I build friendships hiking with another mom with our kids hiking, too. Sitting in the ski lodge with my toddler while my kids are skiing. It's not ideal but I make it be enough.

Re: The reality of getting together with friends
 

I’m finally back.....

Getting together w one other person is a bit easier for me but 4 adults (2 xouples) much harder. My best friend and her hubby, we’ve made a rule “whatever kids are around are included. Whoever is busy is busy” because otherwise it took 3-4 months or never happened. Even w 4 adults it’s brutal and can take months.

I work every other weekend, my dh works every Saturday bff’s hubby works occasional weekends. Plus between us we have 5 teen/young adults. 2 college students w jobs, a 17yo with a job, a sophomore who studies ballet 30 hours a week and a freshman who does 2 sports.

My social life will have to be rebuilt when I have an empty nest. I’ve kept in touch w a tiny handful of friends ... primarily by text. I see them a few times a year ... sad but it’s all I have time for at the moment.