Dealing with separation anxiety
 

I'm hoping there are other divorced moms on the board who can give me some advice.

My ex-husband and I got divorced when our youngest was about a year old, so in his little world seeing Dad every other weekend is the norm. For the past few months, he has been having massive meltdowns every other weekend when he gets dropped off at Dad's, and then again when Dad brings him back to me. He cries and clings to us and literally SCREAMS that he will miss us.

We are calling it separation anxiety, but we are at a loss as to how to deal with it. Every drop-off includes lots of hugs and kisses and "I love you's", but regardless of how much affection or reassurance we give, it always ends with a meltdown.

My ex-husband and I are getting along well, so this isn't a result of hearing us fight. It happens with both parents, so it isn't a one-sided situation where he is afraid of being left with Dad or Mom. We try to make the transition like a game or an adventure, but it doesn't really work anymore.

I just received a text saying that he finally stopped crying and is playing happily in the bath tub.

Any advice? Anyone?

Re: Dealing with separation anxiety
 

It may be a combination of sep anxiety and transitions being really hard. At some ages, transition rituals being very short or complex can make a difference. It is just kind of a guess what works for your kid now thing. :shrug3
Obviously a very different situation, but mine was really responsive to me saying exactly what was coming up for stuff like going to the store, visiting people, etc. I would give step by steps including what was expected of her and what I'd be doing.


Do some searching online for social stories related to your situation. If nothing is ideal, you can get good ideas for DIY. These can help give you all some scripts for the situation.

Re: Dealing with separation anxiety
 

We just saw a psychologist. She said it was normal until age 9. I'm not sure I have anything helpful to offer.

Sounds very tough.

Re: Dealing with separation anxiety
 

My experience with being a child in this situation is that it can be more than separation anxiety. The stress of not having a particular place that is your home, your room, your bed even your rules and routines etc is great and constant and hard to describe. I don't know your child's current age but perhaps a play therapist could help identify some things to make this easier?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Re: Dealing with separation anxiety
 

I dont know what age we are talking about but IME it was particularly hard in that 3 -4 age range. They arent really processing the whys of things and a change of routine can be so hard and missing the parent he isnt with

---------- Post added at 01:35 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:29 PM ----------

Others may have better scripts but sometimes it helps to give them a time frame to relate to and if your ex can tell you plans. Your script could be something like tonight you will have your daddy time and sleep in your bed there and tomorrow you will be going to the zoo with your daddy and sleep in your bed there again and the next day after lunch you will come back and have mommy time again and we will (xyz)

Re: Dealing with separation anxiety
 

He is 5, if that helps.

In the words of Gru, "lightbulb!" :idea A therapist is a great idea! Our 8-year-old saw one for a while and she really helped! Now, to figure out where that money is going to come from. :think

I script with this kid all. day. long, and my ex-husband's scripting skills are slowly improving. Maybe we need to start preparing him for the transition a day or two ahead of time, just so he has extra time to adjust to the idea of a different bed and a different set of rules and all of that stuff. :think

Re: Dealing with separation anxiety
 

My DD is 6 and starting around 5, several days of heads up was helpful. What about a color coded calendar so he can visualize?

Re: Dealing with separation anxiety
 

How different are the rules?

Can you take the sheets off his bed and have daddy put them on his bed there? I don't mean wash them in between, but just make the bed with them? My son really likes his bed the same and his same stuffies, etc., and he's 7.

Re: Dealing with separation anxiety
 

My ex-husband has a few rules that I don't have (i.e. I don't make my kids finish everything on their plates like he does, and he allows more screen time than I do).

With six kids being hauled back and forth, there is already SO much stuff that needs to be packed up into my poor old van I really don't want to add a set of sheets into the mix, but it is a possibility I will consider. He already brings his favorite stuffies back and forth.

This weekend I even gave him a special item of mine to keep safe for me until his dad brings him back to me this evening. But we still had waterworks.

Re: Dealing with separation anxiety
 

Is it possible that there could be some family counseling once in awhile or even 1 or 2 sessions to talk about the dynamics. The cleaning plate issue can be more serious than some of the other different things and sometimes it helps if a 3rd party advises

Re: Dealing with separation anxiety
 

The last time my ex-husband and I were in a room with a counselor to talk about our relationship, it didn't end well and I would really prefer to avoid a repeat if at all possible. But like I said before, a play therapist is a great idea. I am looking into it.

Re: Dealing with separation anxiety
 

Oh! Six kids?!? Is he the only one struggling?

Re: Dealing with separation anxiety
 

No, they have all struggled at various times over the past four years. My youngest is just the one who happens to be struggling with this at the moment.

Re: Dealing with separation anxiety
 

Do you think having more of the same stuff would help i.e. you buy two identical sets of sheets and one is at your house and one at dad's house but they are the same sheets with the same robots or whatever, identical blankets, etc? I think I'd try to keep as much the same as you can- same kinds of cereal, same daily rhythm- certain touchpoints in the day that are the same- mealtimes done similarly with a special plate and cup he has two of- one at moms and one at dads, same kind of soap and toys for the bath, etc.

Otherwise I'm not sure. Divorce is hard. My brother had a hard time with the transitions when we were kids, too.

Re: Dealing with separation anxiety
 

Tried talking to my ex-husband (again) about a few of these issues when he dropped the kids off last night after we got Aidan to stop crying. Of course I got the usual "I had to clean my plate and I turned out fine" excuse I always get. And the usual "my house, my rules" excuse whenever I bring up my concerns about how much screen time he allows. :rolleyes4 I just let it go because it was late and my kids needed baths/showers and early beds.

But he did agree to help me pay for a play therapist. :rockon I found out that the one we took Rachel to is no longer in business, but hopefully we can find one that is just as good.