Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

:cup

You all are so wise - I'm just going to join in and soak in all the wisdom I can glean.

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

:cup

And Allison, your Born to be Mild description fits my DH to a T!

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

subbing.

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

Tell me more. How can we identify our primary emotions? What are common primary emotions when you feel anger? I can definitely see frustration, as defined by Allison, and possibly stress- which I"m not quite sure is technically an emotion, but it's a trigger for my anger and depression.

I remember in college when I said "I'M MAD!" :mad I went :idea "I'm MAD!" It was so freeing to be able to acknowledge it. My mom is NOT a validater- she is a suppressor, don't-rock-the-boater. And her typical response to something that upsets me is, "Oh well". NOTHING makes me madder than that now. I have a hard time telling if I've actually got a reason to be mad about or I"m just being a brat. I've gotten stuck there though. I don't know what to do once I know I"m mad. I fall back on the stuff my dad did- yell and hit stuff (not people).

Allison, thank you. It gives me a lot of hope to see someone has gotten THROUGH this anger thing. I thought I was doing so good. :( DD said the other day, "Why are you mad all the time?" :cry I thought that I was doing so good, not having a temper tantrum for weeks. The day after that, I DID have a bad day. Anyway, I have hope. Can you (or someone else) script something for me to say? When I'm mad or when dd is mad?

---------- Post added at 03:45 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:42 PM ----------

You did two things: you identified the feelings behind the anger. And you validated your emotions. And I can prolly figure out my own feelings. I'm an intrapersonal genius. I know myself really well. But I need a script for validation. What do you say?

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

when I was mired in anger (my father is uncomfortable with emotions at all--especially my big emotions :( ) I realized what can cause me anger includes primary emotions and physical states ignored:

hungry
anxious/nervous
lonely
tired
needing to pee
frustrated
disappointed
sad
unsure/confused
trying to think and internal or external forces won't let me (bad for an ADD mama w/ 5 children :crazy)

So I worked on identifying the *feelings* that come *before* the losing it moment. They include, for me, tension in my neck and shoulders, self talk that is mean and violent in my head, and loss of focus. The sooner I can realize this is happening the quicker I stop and take a self-evaluation.

Why am I feeling this way? What is happening?

I go through the situation, and tune into my body and my emotions, and then I address what is causing it.

And if I start to lose it, I can still catch myself and change the next moment. I am not a victim of my big feelings and no one else need be either :heart

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

:popcorn

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

this may be OT, but in an earlier thread, a woman said that her mother said "oh well" a lot. Well, my oldest is a DRAMA QUEEN, and I say "I don't care" a lot. I need to find a new phrase. Usually like if I say " you need to go clean your room now" after appropriate transitoning attempts becasue transitioning is difficult for her, she can fall apart and start saying stuff like "i'll just run away" or "i hate you" "you are a mean mom" blah blah blah. And I say "I don't care, just clean your room" in an attempt to focus on what IS rather than the irrational words.

Are you saying I shouldn't do that? Any attempt to validate her at those times come across as "feeding" her reasons to feel the way she feels, and Lord knows she doesn't need more reasons, kwim?

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

I am weeping because I want this. I so desperately want this. I'm dealing with it at Celebrate Recovery, but have slacked off there too. I have got to change things, b/c my children are following in my wake, setting off their own maelstroms.

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

In that sort of situation I would say something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way." or "It sounds like you are having some big feelings. I love you and if you want to talk respectfully about them, I'm here."

Just saying "I don't care." may give her the feeling that you just don't care about her, not her emotions. KWIM?


Herbwifemama, Positive Discipline talks about anger being the secondary emotion. It was very eye opening to me when I read it because anger is my MAIN problem.

:cup for more on this.

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

yeah, I think I"m talking to myself, to calm myself donw, because I get wiggy when she wigs out like that LOL. So I'm using the wrong words. Which often provides her with another focus for her feelings LOL, and then she goes into feeling sorry for herself and I apologize and hug her and well.....I never feel like any of it is teaching her to cope with like....life.

She has very limited coping skills sometimes. She doesn't have innate ones.

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

How did I learn to identify my actual feelings?

It happened by accident. :shifty

I was working hard on identifying my CHILDREN's feelings so that I could validate them, and learned my own in the process.

My mom thinks that the validation of feelings in a situation is STUPID and makes fun of people who do it :sigh

Starting with saying , "I'm angry because there's crap all over the family room floor" is a fair validation of my feelings, but not a great one because it's pretty vague. So I breathe, and think a little harder.

"I'm hurt because I feel like it doesn't matter to my children that we all worked so hard. I'm frustrated because it's never-ending. I'm scared because my big feelings are SO BIG that I feel like I could easily hurt someone physically.....and oh, yea, by the way, I haven't eaten any protein today at all, so that's probably why it all feels so intense."

Now I'm pretty rational, because I took the time to identify what was actually going on in my head and my body.

This takes longer than lashing out or yelling. Like anything good, it takes more work. Organic fruit is more flavorful than pesticide ridden fruit, and is more expensive because it takes more effort to grow.

Another word for expensive is "Dear" which also means Regarded with deep affection; cherished by someone.

I am dear; my children are dear, we are precious in His sight and worthy of the extra time and effort.

When I'm going to explode, I walk away. I start the self talk, even if what it starts with is bile "I HATE, Grouse, Grumble, Spew....until I can breathe and think and evaluate the situation for what it REALLY is.

Start with validating positive feelings in yourself and your children. They're a bit easier because your brain isn't under stress. "you're really enjoying that play-dough" "when you hug me, I feel important and loved" "I'm feeling confident today/right now" "I'm relaxed" "you are so joyful!" "You're really satisfied with your good work on that drawing"

FWIW, everyone responds differently to validation and how it is given. I don't like to be told how I feel, but I do like it when someone notices how I'm feeling. EX: "You are frustrated" is not a good validation for me. "You seem frustrated" is :shrug3 It may seem like semantics, but it's important for myself.

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

This just caused a lightbulb moment. I can't stand it when people tell me how I feel. I think that's my biggest hangup with that part of GBD. I can tell that my kids don't like it either. So, instead of saying, "You are frustrated because...." I can say, "You look frustrated because..." Or "You seem frustrated because..."

Thanks!!

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

:hug2 Me too, right down to slacking off at CR.

For a while I felt like I was making so much progress in so many ways. Lately, it's like it's all come to a screeching halt. Some of the progress stuck and I'm doing better than I was 6 months ago. But I also feel myself reverting back in some ways and I'm not liking it.

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

:popcorn I so need this.

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

:cup This is what I am just beginning to learn about. What a blessing to see examples of how to think a situation through and react calmly instead of loosing it.