Gentle Christian Mothers Community

Gentle Christian Mothers Community (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community/index.php)
-   Gentle Discipline *Public* (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community/forumdisplay.php?f=420)
-   -   Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community/showthread.php?t=449150)

Petie 05-14-2012 10:44 PM

Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom
 
I should have seen this coming. I mean I was raised with this. So here is the scenario...

Mom---Lala will you please pick up your shoes and put them away
Lala---not right now
Mom---Lala I asked you to please pick up your shoes
Lala---Yes, and I said not right now
Mom---Lala, if you do not pick up your shoes then I'll throw them out
Lala----(obligingly picks up her shoes)
Mom---Now why did I have to threaten to get you to do what I asked?


At this point I stepped in. I really understood what Lala was doing and I figured Mom would figure this out, she didn't. OK so pet peeve of mine, don't make a request unless it is a REQUEST. If it REQUIRED then simply state it. Now don't get me wrong, I use please, thank you, etc with my kids when they are called for, but when it is a requirement, I don't ask, I state. Here's how it WOULD HAVE happened had it been me...

Me--Lala, pick up your shoes and put them away
Lala---yes, ma'am
Me---thank you

If she did say no, then I would have told her the probable consequence, but chances are, for something like that, she would have just done it. I explained this to mom and of course got the typical line I got as a child....

"if an authority asks politely it is the same thing as being told":scratch:scratch

Sorry, but last job I had, if it was optional, it was a please. If she was asking for volunteers it was a please. But she never said, "OK well, would you all please clean up the kitchen, we have an inspection tomorrow?" Ummm, no, it was, "there is an inspection tomorrow and the kitchen needs to be cleaned. Thank you."

Am I completely insane? I mean, should Lala see this a request as a requirement?

Abibigail 05-14-2012 10:47 PM

Re: Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom
 
Not insane. ITA w/you.

ArmsOfLove 05-15-2012 12:14 AM

Re: Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom
 
That is why the 5 Steps are worded as they are

some children are able to be easily taught that please doesn't make it optional and I know that's important to some parents, when they are the parents and children together that is fine :) When the children aren't reading the same playbook then it gets tricky :doh

IME when I get resistance I just stop and apologize for miscommunicating--then I explain that they need to do whatever and they do.

Tasmanian Saint 05-15-2012 03:21 AM

Re: Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom
 
Quote:

"if an authority asks politely it is the same thing as being told"
Then how does an authority say something when it *is* optional? Surely it happens sometimes...?

rjy9343 05-15-2012 07:38 AM

Re: Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Tasmanian Saint (Post 4630570)
Then how does an authority say something when it *is* optional? Surely it happens sometimes...?

I think that the mindset is that there is not an option when the authority speaks. Please or whatever is just being polite, but it does not mean that there is a choice in obeying.

justbreathe 05-15-2012 07:48 AM

Re: Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom
 
I have this same conversation all.the.time. :bangshead

DH will "ask" Monkey to do something, then get mad when she says no. :shrug3 You made it optional dude. what did you expect? :scratch It baffles him that the kids are more compliant with me than with him. But, it drives him absolutely crazy if I try to suggest a different way.

My mom has that same mindset as well. I think it has to do with the way that she was raised - children did not have the option of saying no, so the politeness was just a curtesy. She definitely has the mindset of "Do what I say, when I say it, without attitude or questioning, just because I said so" - (DH and I sometimes struggle with residuals of this from our childhoods as well :O)

J3K 05-15-2012 07:56 AM

Re: Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom
 
I got a confused look from a gramma when I was babysitting. She said , "How did you get him to clean all his toys up?". I said "I told him to." She said she often told him to and he didn't. She said , "here watch this... *to the child* E , would you please put your shoes in your room ?". E gave the response he wanted. "no."
I said , "You asked. I tell. E , your Gramma meant to say 'put your shoes in your room now. Hop like a bunny if you want'.
And he did.
Leaving me thinking "of course" and leaving the gramma thinking I'm some magical soothsayer. She called me a "mini Mary Poppins".

ThreeKids 05-15-2012 07:59 AM

Re: Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Tasmanian Saint (Post 4630570)
Then how does an authority say something when it *is* optional? Surely it happens sometimes...?

My parents would have plainly said that it was optional or "only if you want to". They wouldn't have asked if it were a command, either, so there wasn't a chance for confusion.

Bumblebee 05-15-2012 08:11 AM

Re: Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom
 
I don't think youre insane either....if it int optional you can't start with "will you...":no

BeckaBlue 05-15-2012 08:15 AM

Re: Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom
 
It drives E batty that I ask and accept no, AND that I tell without asking :doh
It just makes sense to me.
I HATE when my kids get defensive when I asked them and they do say no. I tell them "I asked you a question. No is acceptable. There is no need for the attitude." When I tell and they say no I say "I didn't ask you, I told you. Now do it."

hey mommy 05-15-2012 08:17 AM

Re: Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom
 
I often have to tell them the difference between asking & telling. If you want it done in a timely manner, tell them. If you don't care when it gets done, ask them.

Then when I give the child a request, I have to remind the other adult that I asked them, did not tell them, and they don't have to jump up and do it right that second.

magpiedpiper 05-15-2012 08:36 AM

Re: Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom
 
:think

This is a great thread for me to read. Thank you all! I grew up with the same type of "requests" as your mom gave, OP, that eventually turned to threats.
I am fairly certain that I always talk like this as a result. "please do this, please do that" and assumed that because I said it in a certain tone or whatever that it was still a command, just a "polite" one.

LikeQuietDreams 05-15-2012 08:59 AM

Re: Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom
 
I'm having a light bulb moment. I don't ask with please and thank you, but I do end my command with "okay?"

"DS, go put your shoes away, okay?"

Then I get frustrated when he tells me, "no," thinking that he is not complying. But now I'm realizing that he is telling me, "No, that is not okay with me." :think

JoEllen 05-15-2012 09:14 AM

Re: Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom
 
Rest assured, you are perfectly sane. :yes It took me forever to learn the difference between requesting and requiring. Saying "please" and "thank you" is just demonstrating politeness while giving an order.

WildFlower 05-15-2012 09:37 AM

Re: Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by J3K (Post 4630889)
I got a confused look from a gramma when I was babysitting. She said , "How did you get him to clean all his toys up?". I said "I told him to." She said she often told him to and he didn't. She said , "here watch this... *to the child* E , would you please put your shoes in your room ?". E gave the response he wanted. "no."
I said , "You asked. I tell. E , your Gramma meant to say 'put your shoes in your room now. Hop like a bunny if you want'.
And he did.
Leaving me thinking "of course" and leaving the gramma thinking I'm some magical soothsayer. She called me a "mini Mary Poppins".


This !


My mom said to my nephew, "why don't you put your car on the counter so we can set the table"
Nephew "no thank you".
Grandma :scratch
His mom "E when Grandma says that she really means, "Put your car on the counter"
Nephew "OH! OK." then he does it.

I think adults need to be more clear in their language. You can be polite and say please and still use a command without making it sound optional.


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:46 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.

X vBulletin 3.8.3 Debug Information
  • Page Generation 0.04100 seconds
  • Memory Usage 6,945KB
  • Queries Executed 11 (?)
More Information
Template Usage:
  • (1)ad_footer_end
  • (1)ad_footer_start
  • (1)ad_header_end
  • (1)ad_header_logo
  • (1)ad_navbar_below
  • (4)bbcode_quote_printable
  • (1)cyb_flashimagebanners
  • (1)footer
  • (1)gobutton
  • (1)header
  • (1)headinclude
  • (19)option
  • (1)pagenav
  • (1)pagenav_curpage
  • (4)pagenav_pagelink
  • (1)post_groan_navbar_search
  • (1)post_thanks_navbar_search
  • (1)printthread
  • (15)printthreadbit
  • (1)spacer_close
  • (1)spacer_open 

Phrase Groups Available:
  • global
  • postbit
  • showthread
Included Files:
  • ./printthread.php
  • ./global.php
  • ./includes/init.php
  • ./includes/class_core.php
  • ./includes/config.php
  • ./includes/functions.php
  • ./includes/class_hook.php
  • ./includes/functions_notice.php
  • ./mobiquo/smartbanner.php
  • ./includes/class_bbcode_alt.php
  • ./includes/class_bbcode.php
  • ./includes/functions_bigthree.php 

Hooks Called:
  • init_startup
  • cache_permissions
  • fetch_threadinfo_query
  • fetch_threadinfo
  • fetch_foruminfo
  • style_fetch
  • cache_templates
  • global_start
  • parse_templates
  • fetch_musername
  • notices_check_start
  • global_setup_complete
  • printthread_start
  • pagenav_page
  • pagenav_complete
  • bbcode_fetch_tags
  • bbcode_create
  • bbcode_parse_start
  • bbcode_parse_complete_precache
  • bbcode_parse_complete
  • printthread_post
  • printthread_complete