Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

:popcorn

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

:popcorn

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

:watermelon ('cause I'm really thirsty right now and popcorn just doesn't appeal...)

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

hmm...not sure if this is really it. but i often repeat to myself "someday i am going to miss this...someday i am going to miss this...someday i am going to miss this" and it (almost) ALWAYS brings things into persepective. it has won me over to many a one-more-story/song/kiss/hug etc. givento my children.

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

Absolutely. :yes I seem to be reminding myself of that a lot lately. :shifty :giggle

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

I have never heard about this before and I think I need it so I'm subbing.

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

When I saw this concept from Allison in another thread I thought it was brilliant, so I am definitely in to learn more about it. I need this!

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

:poke Allison....


No pressure or anything. :shifty

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

"I'm not afraid of dealing with my kid's big feelings."

BBL

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

ok, what it comes down to for me was learning how to manage my own big feelings.

I have LOTS of BIG FEELINGS.
I don't do anything by halves. This is very overwhelming for me and for everyone else in my world. Dh was Born to Be Mild, and this the only reason we work. He's the perfect chill for my fire.

I was a very very angry mommy. I yelled at my children all the time. Wrath was the bugagoo with whom I struggled, almost every moment of every day.

As I learned here at GCM to validate my children's feelings, I realized that I was also doing it to ME when I was whigging out (often out loud :shifty ) and that I had stopped being the Screaming Mimi Mommy.

I was a mother I kinda liked.

I was a friend people weren't afraid of/intimidated by, because I was learning to modulate my big feelings all the way around. My oldest daughter noticed.

One day, after I had been doing this, apparently for a couple of years, I really went OFF on my children, and dd1 said, "Wow, I can't remember the last time you did THAT." blink blink

I was doing the happy dance :danceALL OVER GCM because I realized that Wrath had been sent to the back of the bus and was no longer my initial reaction in every situation where I was unhappy with my kids, or unhappy in my life.

Validation is a powerful tool. Women are regularly taught, in the west, that our big feelings are unimportant and we should be more like men (whatever THAT means :rolleyes2 ) and that we should just stuff them down and "get over it" This just doesn't work. This is the guilt/shame model. Identification of my actual feelings pointed me toward solutions rather than frustrations in my parenting and in my life, in ways that "pure logic" never could.

_______________________


on another note, something that has been another major part of re-parenting myself was learning the actual definition of the word Frustrated.

Frustrated means Blocked from a Goal.

when I validate the feeling of Frustrated in myself, I can then ask, "Why am I blocked from this goal? How else could I achieve it? Do I need to re-evaluate this goal?"

Frustration is a thief of joy in parenting. Understanding that I was frustrated and not just MAD, was really important.

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

allison, lots to think about :think :yes
can you elaborate/give example for mad vs. frustrated? pls

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

((((Allison))))

it's so important to remember that anger is a secondary emotion--it only comes out when primary emotions are stuffed. When we learn how to address and express our primary emotions we don't need to progress to anger :heart

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

subbing

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

Ok. This morning is a good example.

We cleaned quite a lot this week. The kids worked in the Family room for days, because it was such a disaster.
They had friends sleep over Friday night, and they trashed the room. I went in there and saw the floor. Oh my word, I was furious. Mad. Seeing Red.

What I would have done before: Scream all the children's names, call them on the floor, yell at them about how trashed the room was and ORDER them to get busy making it right, with no little guilt and shame to go along with the instructions.

What actually happened:
I took a deep breath and had a big sigh. I was actually hurt because the room was a wreck, and frustrated because we had worked so hard to make it nice, and also frustrated because, now, I was going to have to be the Mean Mommy and make them come back and work until it was clean AGAIN. I validated my own feelings about the mess in the room, my hurt and frustration, and was able to just call the kids and say,

"you guys thrashed this room. I feel hurt that you left it this way after we worked so hard. Leaving it like this was disrespectful to me and to yourselves and all the hard work we did together. You need to fix that. You may go back outside to play once it's put to rights."

15 minutes later, the solution had been affected, and the girls went back to play

Re: s/o parenting self-talk
 

Just subbing. I've come to realize that I have so so many issues within myself that need to be dealt with if I'm ever going to be able to parent effectively. I need this thread like I need water!