Now I'm angry
 

So, my mom moved in with us a few years ago. Then she went to live with her boyfriend who cleaned out her savings and then left her so she moved back in. My dd is a handful. We all know this, but tonight, I find out that my mother slapped her because she was cursing in my mother's face. I could understand if she didn't know any other way to deal with it, but I DID. I have fully explained how to deal with dd's behaviors and my mother agreed to abide by our standards. Then she goes and slaps my child. This apparently occurred a couple weeks ago and I only found out tonight because dd was cursing and DS 6 yr. old, said, "grandma slaps for that, maybe that will work". :mad:mad:mad So, mom depends on us 100% for her financial needs. She has no money to get a place of her own or even buy groceries for herself. She gets a total of $800 a month and most of that goes to bills that her boyfriend racked up in her name. How do I deal with this?? It does explain the recurrence of dd's aggression over the past couple of weeks. Now she doesn't even feel safe at home.

(dd has been dxed with ADHD, ODD, and possible anxiety, she reacts aggressively and as I said, it's a handful)

Re: Now I'm angry
 

your mom needs to leave. she hit your child. she should not be in your home. end full stop.

I know you will probably give me an excuse about why she should stay. but she is no longer welcome at your home and when she hit your child she crossed a line that was never to be crossed. she is a grown up. she needs to find somewhere to live. she has 800 bucks. she can find a roommate and get an apartment. get food stamps. you will be fed on food stamps. the rest of it is not your concern.

she needs to leave like yesterday. your daughter needs to be protected. you fought to keep her in your house and keep her safe and clearly she is not safe from your mother.

take a deep breath and tell her she needs to go. pack her stuff and show her the door. you can do it. :yes

just thinking out loud here, if you are concerned for your safety, then you should call a friend. give her 24 hours notice. I might even give her less if I were you. find a homeless shelter? whatever. she needs to go.

Re: Now I'm angry
 

At the very least she no longer is allowed to be alone with your kids. If you need to go somewhere, take the kids to a sitter. Don't have the sitter come to you, grandma will still hit. I would shadow grandma to make sure she was not in a room with a child. I would look into financial lawyers to see what her options were for getting out of your house-bankruptcy, gov't housing etc...

Re: Now I'm angry
 

:hug2 My ex's mom slapped Bug for swearing at her too. He was about 8. I told her that if it ever happened again, I would call the police and press charges for assault.

I would not throw your mom out because of this one incident. Having someone screaming in your face and swearing *is* very triggering, and I think she deserves forgiveness for it. I would possibly bring her along to your dd's next therapy session so it can be addressed and I would have your mom read some books that you choose to help her learn how to better deal with it.

I would make it clear that if it happens again, she will need to find a new place to live. She can file bankruptcy, use government assistance, find a roommate, etc. If she wants to live with you, she needs to realize that her behavior matters.

Re: Now I'm angry
 

Well, talked to her this morning and she is very upset. She said she didn't mean to react that way but that she was honestly scared. Last time she lived with us, my dd attacked her with a knife (this was what caused us to start locking up the knives), but right before dd attacked her, she had done the same thing, cursing and screaming at mom. That does make it easier to understand her reaction. She has stated that she did apologize to Lala after she reacted that way.

Hopefully it's been handled, but I did tell her that from now on she won't be alone with the children unless it's an emergency, at least for a while. I also told her she needs to explain to Simon that what she did was wrong so that he doesn't continue to believe it's acceptable. She honestly didn't think about the fact that she can't just apologize to one child without explaining it to the others. She only had two of us to raise, there are four kids in this house.

By the way, food stamps only gives her $15 a month, so not quite enough to keep her fed.

Re: Now I'm angry
 

But is it taking into account your *household* income? She might get more if she lived alone.

Re: Now I'm angry
 

No, that's how much she got prior to moving in with us. She doesn't get them now because of our household income.

Re: Now I'm angry
 

Given the history that you have now given, I can *understand* (NOT ignore or approve of. UNDERSTAND) grandma's reaction. She needs supervision and boundaries, but if she has asked forgiveness and recognizes that her response was wrong, I don't think I'd throw her out over it.

I'm sorry it happened and I hope she is truly sorry and able to interact more positively with your children in the future. :hugheart

Re: Now I'm angry
 

I *would*, however, give Mom responsibility for her life back, including financial. I'd give mom a deadline for moving out. Whether she has a plan, a job, income, etc is up to her but for her own sake, let alone my family's, Mom would be going.