Child who doesn't want to do any school... advice?
 

We have homeschooled from the beginning and C (9 and my firstborn) has resisted it from the start. I think part of the problem has been me but it seems like whatever approach I take he just doesn't want to do anything. We don't do anything super rigorous. Right now for math we are only doing Life of Fred but he will fight me on most every problem. As soon as I announce the next subject he launches into "But I don't waaaant to do that." He has also started doing that when I ask anything else of him. Dh thinks it's a discipline issue and wants me to assign extra work any time C complains about what he has to do. I worry that will only make him hate school more. Obviously he doesn't like it now anyway which is what Dh pointed out and maybe a week of extra work when he complains will fix the problem and then we won't have to worry about it. I don't feel so sure that's the right approach though.

Any advice?

Re: Child who doesn't want to do any school... advice?
 

How does he have being challenged/having to work when he's in a group led by another adult?

Re: Child who doesn't want to do any school... advice?
 

I would def not assign extra work and in fact would do the opposite and have a break this week and for a couple of days - just do more fun things. Play computer learning games, take a field trip , ask him what he would like to learn about. His age is often the age of complaining about school work.When you get back to regular routine have a pep talk - I know you dont always want to do school but you do have to do schoolwork and the faster you get it done the more time you will have for (xyz). Then daily when you set up math for him something like - it is time to do the math lesson for today and if you can not complain and get it done you will have time to play with legos for awhile before lunch (or go outside etc) Or if he likes fun math games online you could give him the incentive that if he can finish the L of F lesson without complaining, he can play a math game.

Re: Child who doesn't want to do any school... advice?
 

He doesn't whine with adults that are not family that I have seen (he has complained when my mom has asked him to do things). He does tend to dawdle and not complete things if he thinks they are too hard though, especially if it involves writing.

Re: Child who doesn't want to do any school... advice?
 

Are there any privileges he earns? Screen time is directly tied to behavior and attitude in our house - didn't always used to do it that way, but we recently changed to that and it's been very helpful. They start the day with no screen time and have to earn it throughout the morning (which is when we do chores and school). Some kids are intrinsically motivated, and others have to learn it. Mine both have had to learn that; neither of them have any interest or drive to do academics and need to have some external motivation to do it well.

Re: Child who doesn't want to do any school... advice?
 

Is discipline an issue in other aspects of life?

Is he gifted?

Reading on grade level? Reads for fun?

Does chores well?

Re: Child who doesn't want to do any school... advice?
 

What mamacat said. Sometimes you just need to change things up, if only for a day. That age can be very complain-y. Sometimes a check list helps, or a visual of some sort with goals and rewards or "if/then". My oldest likes to use the white board and write up things for ME to do when she's done with her work.

Does he like read-alouds? You could choose a book together to read, or do his work orally for a bit as long as he cooperates, or let him type it up? (My two oldest HATE to write a lot, especially before 10 yo, but they'll type on the computer.)

If you want to do games, Khan Academy is fun for math at that age. We have a stash of learning games - Wrap-ups, I Sea 10, Bananagrams, Timeline, Logic puzzles, STEAM challenges, even games like Scrabble and Clue.

Re: Child who doesn't want to do any school... advice?
 

Screen time is only allowed 3 days out of the week and then only if school and chores are done. Same thing with having friends over or going to friends houses. I'm wondering if it's too far removed to be motivating though. Maybe if each subject is worth a certain amount of screen time that would be more motivating? It is hard to keep track of how much screen time they are having though which is why I haven't done it as a time limit before and used the natural flow of our day and limiting what days to keep screen time minimal.

We have tried backing off of school a few times... to the point that I feel like he isn't where he should be. Every time we start more things he complains that "we didn't have to do this last week".

---------- Post added at 10:10 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:04 AM ----------

It does seem to be anything I ask him to do. The other day he wouldn't heat up extra chicken for his brothers for lunch because "they aren't babies and can do it themselves" and begs to stay at co-op after I tell him it's time to leave. He can't seem to accept no as the answer.

He's a pretty average 9yo I think.

He reads well but hasn't been reading as much for fun as he used to. He's suddenly decided every story is boring. And he has started complaining about reading time during school (even though I let him read whatever he wants) because he reads before bed so that should count.

He complains a lot about doing chores. It's an every day fight and then when he is asked to do anything "extra" like clean up a room that isn't on the every day chore list it's the end of the world.

Re: Child who doesn't want to do any school... advice?
 

:up and how is his vision, focus, and other developmental milestones (do u know abt midline? I’m curious if he was age typical in crawling and tying shoes). Before I did anything I’d be very carefully considering those.

PLUS how’s his diet? Does he get enough fats? is he a kid who eats peanut butter out of the jar? Or craves salt?

Is this seasonal (fall?) or all the time?

Before I worked on environment or behavior, I’d be looking at organic issues.

Re: Child who doesn't want to do any school... advice?
 

I agree with you that it doesn't sound like backing off school is the right solution when this has been a long-standing issue in his work ethic/attitude toward school. That's building a habit that runs counter to long-term homeschooling success.

Plus, he's reaching an age where academics shouldn't be decreasing in time but be increasing as he moves into more content-rich areas after mastering the 3 R's of early elementary school. Those content subjects take time - no matter how you tackle them - and I would be concerned that building an expectation of school as something he does less of the more he resists may make moving into more in-depth science, history, reading, writing, math something he resists instead of embraces as a good, enjoyable part of his homeschooling.



Is homeschooling the right choice for him? Every parent-child relationship is different, and what can be a great fit for some can be less optimal for others. Not all kids learn well from their parents at home, and some do better in a classroom setting (just like not all kids learn well in a classroom setting, and some learn better at home with their parents instead).

Re: Child who doesn't want to do any school... advice?
 

It sounds like he might do best with more structure.

Re: Child who doesn't want to do any school... advice?
 

I'm going to agree some of the above - might be academic reasons or physical - with the additions of a BUT. Some things you do have to casually speak from power (ie, state what is going to happen nicely)

For example 'we didn't have to do that last week' might get a 'yap, but we are doing it this week' and just keep moving forward. The 'they aren't babies' might be 'I didn't say to get it for them if they couldn't. I asked you to do something and expect you follow through'.

And on the other hand, I think you might need to give him the power to have some control. Maybe write a list of academic things that need to get done and let him chose the order or break up tasks into smaller tasks, but all completed in the day.

I also think you are on to something re privileges and frequency. I dragged myself out of bed this morning at 6am to go into work not because I love what I do (which I am kinda do) but because I am getting paid. We tell our kids to thing of school as their work, but I know I wouldn't get up so early, drive into town, etc, etc if there wasn't a tangible benefit at the end of the process.

One thing to look at is 'what is he doing when he isn't doing school?' Is he vegging or is there a passion for something else that might be useful in motivating school and possible to incorporate into lessons?

Re: Child who doesn't want to do any school... advice?
 

He seems to be developmentally normal. He crawled on time, walked early. He can focus for long periods of time on lego projects. He still doesn't tie shoes though... I think this might me the crux of things. My hunch is that he's a perfectionist and if something is hard he gives up before he really tries because he doesn't want to fail.

He is pretty picky lately as far as eating. Seems like he likes fewer and fewer foods.

It's all the time. It's escalating over time.



:yes Work ethic is exactly what I worry about/what seems to be the sticking point. He has a hard time with anything being required of him.

I have considered several times putting him in school... My biggest concerns are the atmosphere at school. I don't want him being exposed to the things I was at his age. And that homework will be just as much of a fight only he'll be tired from being at school all day as well.

This is something I've thought as well. He tells be he gets bored doing the same thing every day but then he doesn't like when we do something different. A new expectation is hard for him to handle. The other issue is that I am very go with the flow. I think our personalities clash often.

Re: Child who doesn't want to do any school... advice?
 

I hate trying to time electronics/free time, but he might respond to being given a certain amount per subject, immediately after each, like a 15min break with a timer. You could even set the timer before you start the subject, leaving it paused with the full 15min still ready as long as he's working diligently, but let it run if he starts whining and complaining.

Writing heavy subjects could be given more as a bonus. (edit: I mean like earn 30min of free time following.)

He may need some assistance on handwriting and gathering his thoughts, like this could be a genuinely difficult area that he needs help to push through.

This is also the age that mine got their first pair of reading glasses, including my earliest reader who suddenly found books to be boring. He also wasn't ready for a lot of chapter books in terms of comprehension/maturity...he still had that little kid sense of humor that had him enjoying books like Geronimo Stilton, but not serious novels.

Re: Child who doesn't want to do any school... advice?
 

If shoe tying is an issue at 9, that is an ENORMOUS RED FLAG for midline!!!!! HUGE HUGE HUGEunless you never tried teaching and it's been no tie or velcro. If he cannot learn to tie shoes within an hour of instruction at 9 that is more than likely a midline issue.

Can he skip? Does he hang off one side of the chair? how is his handwriting? <--- those are other issues specific to midline. usually shoe tying is most obvious because we think "it's just skipping or bad posture or sloppy handwriting" Midline can be funny. Through my ds' treatment, I realized my eldest had midline/dysgraphia issues even though her only two signs were hanging off the chair and sloppy handwriting. SHe's never ever been behind in school but has always had focus issues so that's what I attributed her cooperation struggles. Once we fixed it up her midline, her academic progress soared. She was much less distractible, organized and not reluctant. She could even write and fix her dysgraphia if she used lined paper ;)

Midline issues do not only affect motor skills but affect the transfer of information AS WELL AS executive function.

Picky eating can also be a brain issue.



All that said if it's perfectionism, it could be anxiety related as well.

Structure is DEFINITELY something that helps all my kids, especially the one with the most significant brain issues. We are "delight driven" homeshoolers with a lot of structure because without structure we have chaos.