pneumaphile

Can I gently suggest that just as in discipling/shepherding adult Christians, it's the same with your kids? You don't reach their hearts. The Holy Spirit reaches their hearts. We just have the privilege of facilitating that with the environment and the education and the discipling we provide in our home with our children. God changes hearts, we have no power over that.

I hear you're at wits end with your boys. May I brainstorm a bit?

I find myself in situations like you described simply dealing with the behavior, not the motives behind it at all. I don't have a "heart-to-heart" about their behavior/why/are they sorry/etc. right there in the grocery store. I stop the behavior (make them hold my hand, make them hold the cart, maybe put my 4-year-old on my back where he's not able to join in the fray, etc. If it's just really bad, they're too tired/hungry/they can't stop themselves, etc., I just abandon ship and put them in the car - just finish my shopping later (this doesn't happen often the older they get, but I'm still willing if it gets this far).

I keep it short and sweet right there. I might not say several sentences about why "popping" your brother is wrong. I might just say "knock it off. Joe can you grab me two jars of peanut butter?" Or, I might state the rule, "we don't hurt with our bodies, use your words." Or whatever. Short, simple, and to the point.

I deal with the heart issues/character issues separately, when things are quiet, when I'm alone with a boy in a car or at bedtime after reading books, or on a "date" at a coffee shop or milkshake place. Or when we're reading the Bible together in the morning. Or whatever. We'll discuss whatever I see as the main issue that continues to pop up in their behavior, pointing to the part of their character God seems to want to work on right now. I pray first. Sometimes for quite a few days/weeks. Until it becomes clear to me what God would have me address. I ask them to help me think of solutions for what to do when they feel like popping their brother. I talk about God living inside them helping them. We pray. We might even talk about not caring, about wanting to hurt someone and not caring if we do, and do we want to have hard hearts or soft ones?

Jody and I talked a lot for a series of weeks/months about his bossiness. How it's respectful to let people make their own decisions. How instead of arguing, we can say it once and let people take it or leave it. How letting other people decide is a way to show the love of Christ, and is a way to experience the love of Christ through out interactions with others. They were some beautiful conversations. Can you imagine having conversations like this in the middle of a grocery store with two heavy-breathing, fighting boys and a pool noodle?

Anyway, these are just off-the-top-of-my-head thoughts, they might not even be coherent. But I could see you're sad about this, that your heart hurts, and that you're worried about your boys. I wanted to reassure you that their behavior (and their words when they're in the moment and angry) doesn't mean they have hard hearts. It just means they're in the moment and angry. Keep praying for your boys, and I'll be to hear what others have to say to you on this, as well.