Gentle Christian Mothers Community - View Single Post - Help with GBD with older children and large family.

everybody's mother · 03-05-2018, 04:02 AM

I also want to point out that the transition will be rough, and a *lot* of work at first, but you'll hit a tipping point where things click into place and you are suddenly living a whole different life. With 'normal' parenting it's easier when they are young but a nightmare by the teen years. GBD is the opposite, it's hard and a lot of work to start, but gets easier and easier.

For the fighting -and this may well be too much with a newborn, you may want to wait a while- I would (did) interrupt every time, asap. Have them explain the scene, backwards, in non-judgmental wording. They each take a turn explaining their version of each step without interruption from the other. I used "I saw x. What happened right before x?" Until you get to the beginning of the fuss. I don't comment on events, just gather the facts. Then when you have all the info I ask something like "what do you think you could have done differently to have her this from escalating?" Each child is responsible for their *own* behavior. I don't generally scold them for their parts of it, just ask them to brainstorm how it could have been handled better on their end. At any point when a child starts "but she..." I say "x is responsible for her behavoir, you are responsible for yours." This will take a little adjusting to, but soon they will politely take turns talking it out and such, as they learn quickly that each will get their say, and the same respect. Pretty soon my kids started identifying, on their own, where a situation turned ugly....and it wasn't awful long (and few months) they were often able to stop in the middle of an argument and agree to de-escalate. The goal is not to just stop the sibling bickering, it's to teach conflict resolution skills. They will still bicker on occasion, but mine usually would sort it out themselves after a cool down. The lovely thing is that they learned to sort it out by taking ownership of their *own* behavior and feelings rather than placing blame.

---------- Post added at 07:02 AM ---------- Previous post was at 06:58 AM ----------

For whining I say that I didn't understand them, can they tell me again more clearly.

03-05-2018, 04:02 AM	#3
everybody's mother Rose Bouquet Join Date: Oct 2010 Posts: 764	Re: Help with GBD with older children and large family. I also want to point out that the transition will be rough, and a lot of work at first, but you'll hit a tipping point where things click into place and you are suddenly living a whole different life. With 'normal' parenting it's easier when they are young but a nightmare by the teen years. GBD is the opposite, it's hard and a lot of work to start, but gets easier and easier. For the fighting -and this may well be too much with a newborn, you may want to wait a while- I would (did) interrupt every time, asap. Have them explain the scene, backwards, in non-judgmental wording. They each take a turn explaining their version of each step without interruption from the other. I used "I saw x. What happened right before x?" Until you get to the beginning of the fuss. I don't comment on events, just gather the facts. Then when you have all the info I ask something like "what do you think you could have done differently to have her this from escalating?" Each child is responsible for their own behavior. I don't generally scold them for their parts of it, just ask them to brainstorm how it could have been handled better on their end. At any point when a child starts "but she..." I say "x is responsible for her behavoir, you are responsible for yours." This will take a little adjusting to, but soon they will politely take turns talking it out and such, as they learn quickly that each will get their say, and the same respect. Pretty soon my kids started identifying, on their own, where a situation turned ugly....and it wasn't awful long (and few months) they were often able to stop in the middle of an argument and agree to de-escalate. The goal is not to just stop the sibling bickering, it's to teach conflict resolution skills. They will still bicker on occasion, but mine usually would sort it out themselves after a cool down. The lovely thing is that they learned to sort it out by taking ownership of their own behavior and feelings rather than placing blame. ---------- Post added at 07:02 AM ---------- Previous post was at 06:58 AM ---------- For whining I say that I didn't understand them, can they tell me again more clearly.

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