[Cook]

Originally Posted by mommy5

thats doesnt seem punitive to me so much as it just doesnt really equip with any skills towards learning how to share in the future
but..hey. do you see my kids ages?? i totally understand the "ok, i've had enough of this rediculous arguing" thing. thats why my siggy line reads the way it does. im breaking up fights, scripting for them, and setting darn timers all.day.long.
being a "peacemaker"

Yeah I'm thinking this makes sense as more setting the stage than punishment. Natural consequence than reaction.

Idk. I'm SO new at this. I was raised em in no particular order. At all. My parents are divorced. My mom single raised for a while until her mother moved in who spanked with spoons. My mom NEVER spanked but rather ruled through emotions- crying fits when I misbehaved. I was scared and slept in bed with her until I am not gonna admit. Not co-slept, was literally afraid to be alone. Probably 7ish? My step dad was abusive, so I moved in with my dad in my teen years- he was WAY more gbd and I totally love that about him and his now exwife. But by then I was so far gone I rebelled to everything.

All that leads to: My husband's family- nuclear. He was spanked- he still jokes that his mother couldn't count because she always doled out more than she'd promised. I love him. I want to make more people in the world like him because of how much I love and admire the man he is. But I can't shake the nagging feeling: The kids still misbehaved. Why is my focus on making them stop? Clearly, it can't be done. -Another part of what sent me down this particular road! Furthermore, as much as I started my parenting journey out of love for my husband, seeing what can happen when we hold kids to expectations like that scares me. I don't want them to be him anymore and we both agree on that. We want them to be who God wants them to be!

Idk. I don't even know what "good" punitive discipline looks like. But I know I have NO business spanking. I can't do that and still be loving minded (I'm sure yall understand that) and I have no idea how others do- AND being able to do so makes me wonder if they "shut something down" to get to that place emotionally.

My kids are so young too... I am so grateful for the statements on the approach in this stage. But it does look like inaction and feel like it at times to be honest, when you have no clear basis to form it on and those "supporting" you in daily life are unaware of accurate developmental expectations. In one breath I'm told not to get my son a label because he's too young and the other he's being told to sit still and be quiet in a totally difficult circumstance. I'm downloading some books and trying to get into the scripture references I've been finding. For me, right now, it's like being at an eye exam. Sometimes it makes perfect sense but at other moments it seems fuzzy and I'm unsure. But most "new" things are like that.

Idk. I can totally relate to questioning things- I LOVE this thread. I wanted to mention also that for me for sure, this was a process. I did positive parenting techniques for months before it started making sense about the importance of the relationship you must build on the front end. I've always been an active parent but now we do child directed play times each day etc. It wasn't that I didn't want to give my kids that time- But society as a whole places FAR more focus on the response aspect of parting- Getting control of your kids! I had no idea how crucial it was to put more energy into the relationship building in the "before behavior" style. I remember before I got that, one of our home visits the lady just looked like "Okay, you aren't ready for that yet" when I was asking how to word a specific rule. Even after I started getting her gist, it wasn't until the Christan aspect of it came into focus that I actually started feeling it really click. I say all that to say: just because one asks oddly specific questions on the wrong end, doesn't mean they don't get it- maybe they are just on their way