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Old 07-18-2006, 06:41 AM   #9
snlmama
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Default Re: I need to say a few things about the idea of defiance

Quote:
Originally Posted by katirana
i've notice myself that whenever DD "defies" me i think she is trying to see if i'll be consistent in my response. i.e. if she throws something at me, i always tell her to pick it up and hand it to me nicely. now instead of immediately throwing something, she rears back her arm as if to throw and pauses a moment to see if i'll remind her to be gentle. when i do, she hands it to me nicely lol
To add to that, something that's always stuck w/ me and probably helped me drop thinking in terms of defiance is reading something by Dr. Sears (I htink...) when my oldest was really young. A young child who keeps going back to what they're told not to touch isn't typically being "defiant" or even testing the *parent*. They're testing the rule. They're not thinking: "She said I can't touch it, but I'll show her." They're thinking: "OK, I can't touch the fireplace w/ my hand. What about one finger?... Nope.... what about my foot?....Nope....What about the other hand?....Nope. What about my head?.....Nope. Can I use this toy I'm holding to touch it?....Well, what about the other corner. Can I touch that?" is what's really going thru their mind. That's exactly what my kids did. And I'd hear over and over "oh, he's testing *you*. You need to show him who's boss.." But, no, having read that I could see it - he wasn't testing *me* and it wasn't *defiance*. They were testing the rule. What exactly do you mean by don't touch it?

Kinda silly, but still see this w/ my 7 year old except it's very obvious now what he's doing b/c he'll *ask* instead of doing it. "Mommy, you said we can't color in the living room. What about if we use colored pencils instead of crayons or markers?... Well then, can I draw w/ a pen on that paper if I sit on the floor instead of the couch?...What about if I bring the little table in and do it on that?....Well, can I move the kitchen chair to the very edge of the kitchen like *this* and color on a paper on the chair while I watch TV?...." But, now I *really* see what he's doing. It's not defiance. It's a need to very very specifically define the rule. Not all children have this need, but many do.

So, taken that way, "defiant" 1, 2 and 3 year olds aren't really defiant or naughty. They're being little problem solvers....
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