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Old 04-17-2012, 06:02 AM   #1
HealthymamaHappymama
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Default Dealing with my parents

I wasn't sure where to post this...I've been struggling for a long time with how to handle/deal with my parents. I grew up in a cult like home church that believes in cutting people off/ex-communicating for various reasons.(They believe they are the only true church and everyone else is going hell). They currently don't associate with my brother and his family because they choose to not be members. I however don't live near a "congregation" my husband was never "converted to there church". So even though over the past few years I've tried to push the issue that I don't want them to send my church sermons, that I've attended other churches, etc. They have not cut me out yet....even though I honestly was hoping they would. I got married almost 6 years ago(moved across the country) and have been realizing all the brainwashing and abuse that went on in my life. I'm struggling with a lot of anger towards my parents when I realize how they would have treated/punished me when I was a baby and also how they treated/punished me when I was older. I have a 2 year old daughter, most of these "angry" moments happen when she does something and I realize how different they would have handled it than how I am choosing to handle it. I'm trying not to ramble
Basically there are 2 main isssues with my parents. Their parenting of me and my brothers. They used a few resources I'm sure but they talk about a book called "what the bible says about child rearing" They also gave me a church cd that talked about how I needed to spank to break my childs will including for things such as moving for a diaper change. I grew up living in fear of my parents. I was very depressed but also thought they were right in God's eyes so I just thought it was normal. At one point there was an apology when I was like 20(about 10 years ago)...but it wasn't for everything. As they still belive in all the breaking a childs will and "training" them like animals. There wasn't anything done to really make amends or heal any damage. I was confused that he could be wrong(even though it felt wrong) but my dad always portrayed to us that God was telling him what do to. I also didn't realize all of the damage at that moment because I was still apart of the church and believed that was the only way to be a Christian. I wasn't married and didn't have kids which has brought up a lot of issues. I realize to a point that this is all past stuff and they can be sorry and maybe we can move on. But I wouldn't leave my daughter alone with them. I dont' feel close to them. I have never had a good relationship with them. So there isn't something I'm longing to get back to. I didn't feel loved growing up I didn't trust them or confide in them then or now. I don't miss them.
Now that I said all that hopefully I can clarify my other issue. Parenting aside because I dont' know if I need to even deal with those issues with them personally. I am not a part of there church, and since they haven't cut me off yet. It's either because my husband was never converted so he has "never left". Or they think he is holding me back. I've been hesistant to cut them off because I felt like I was being just like them. But now that I have my own kids(2 year old and I"m pregnant) I am feeling more inclined to that because of my childrens safety. I am realizing more every day how much I don't know about God/Jesus being a Christian. So I'm conflicted with is it not right for me to cut them off...but it seems ok to avoid other negative influences in ones life. It's because they are my parents and I think I'm worried what people will think. Right now I feel we just "pretend to like each other". We don't argue, fight, etc. I stopped putting forth effort awhile ago. We've never been big communicators, but I would say we prob email 3-4 times a year. I saw them when we went home to visit last time, but I chose places like my grandparents to have the main family get together(because I felt safe there). I avoided even talking about why I wouldn't leave my daughter there becuase it was easy to say our friends want to meet our daughter. They came to see us after we had our daughter, and my mom came out one other time. Both visits I felt had ulterior motives. One of which I was kind of confronted but not prepared....or froze up.
I'd love to know if anyone else has gone through anything similar or has suggestions. I realize if they cut me off it would be easier. I'm not sure how to go about future encounters. Just pretending to get along gets old. I feel like it's wasting my time and energy. Right now I live far away so there isn't as much conflict as there could be or possibly will be depending on where we move next. Well my toddler says I've typed enough Thanks for any encouragement or advice!
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