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Old 04-26-2008, 07:49 AM   #4
Chris3jam
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Default Re: Discipline can "fix" a problem

Quote:
Originally Posted by MarynMunchkins
I want to talk about the idea that discipline - either punitive or GBD - can always solve an issue with a child's behavior. I know how easy it is to believe that if you just do *this*, the annoying problem will be solved and your life will be easier. For punitive parents, that idea tends to be a spanking. For GBD parents, it seems like it often relates to food or sleep. If you feed them more often, or this, or NOT this...If you get them to bed earlier, take more naps, less naps...they will stop behaving this way.

:/

I realize I deal with special needs, but I don't think that is really true. And I feel like I have often set myself up to fail completely by trying to fix a problem rather than just doing what I should and coping with my own feelings about the situation. Working all day to get the baby just the right amount to sleep just to have her be up all night anyway. Or practicing feeling words and outlets for anger only to have someone push someone again.

I think there are a LOT of situations as a parent where your job is simply to discipline and ride out the storm. I suppose it goes along with the idea of age-appropriate or age-typical behavior, but it's more than that. I think it's about relinquishing control and realizing that children really are their own people and they don't cooperate or respond to even the best discipline all the time.

Thoughts? Comments?
I think you are totally right on. And I think that is where I am hitting a brick wall with my kids. My kids' "problems" (or, ever since we've hit this plateau that seems to have gone on forever) are not being handled by discipline. At the very time that I need to relax a bit, and let them grow up and move on (ie, quit trying to avoid bad consequences to bad behaviour), I have been treating them the same, still, as I see these behaviours that outright worry me (being unkind to each other, yelling, hitting, hurting, etc., etc.). So, I "tighten up the reins", not knowing that I really need to be giving them their heads a bit, and taking on a lot more responsibility (which will bring on consequences of their own actions). It's started to sink in a little, as we branch out into organized sports. I think you see this as the kids grow up. . . .when smaller, "making it happen" and distraction is so much easier, and it works.. . which, at the same time, avoids consequences (potential dangerous ones, even) to their actions. As they grow up, and really start asserting their individuality, I think "making it happen" and disraction is a hindrance to some of the consequences that they need for growth. When they are smaller, for instance, we can take a snack with us to the store,make sure they've napped, etc. . . we can be a lot more proactive. As they get older, that "need" is gone, it's not so critical, and they *should* be able to have more control over their bodies, and when they "cut up" in the store, they need to see the consequences to their actions (the clerk telling them not to heelie in the store, for instance. . . since they didn't listen to me 1,000,000,000,000 times). I think it becomes less a matter of discipline (trying to change the behaviour), and more a matter of being able to "live with" the disappointments, embarrassments, excitement, joys . . . . . .. basically the highs and lows of living with another imperfect individual, and trying to help them find their way through, too, rather than trying to change it. As we try to deal with our own reactions and emotions, we need to be there to help them navigate the same waters.

I understand I've rambled. And I'm sorry. But, I think it all applies. I just absolutely cannot find the right words for the ideas today. I just wanted to say that I agree, and I'm seeing the same thing, *especially* as they get older.
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