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Old 03-05-2011, 09:52 PM   #19
Rose Garden
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 79,644
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Default Re: "Is This Punitive?" is missing the point of GBD

Katigre--thank you so much You have shown with this post (and all sorts of others of course, but this was the crown ) that you totally get it. And, I'm sure you know as I do, that getting it doesn't mean you always are able to accomplish it We're all human and we all make mistakes.

In response to some of the responses . . . I really do get the struggle with feeling overwhelmed by a faulty paradigm. The thing is, and what Katigre is trying to say, focus on changing the paradigm. Run towards a totally new way of doing things. Throw out everything--rather than trying to focus on getting through this or that situation, pull back and look at the big picture.

what are your goals? Are they short term management or long term leadership? In the moment are you being the adult you want them to become?

If not--then the real focus needs to be on becoming the adult you want them to become--and as you do, they will follow you. That's how it works. Where they are is where you've led them--their behaviors are on them, but the overall dynamic, the big picture, YOU choose the canvas, you set the stage. It's scary--especially when you've had no one model it done lovingly and gently. But YOU get to do it now. So decide who YOU want to be--then be that you. And you will parent differently

If you are in the situation where you're even asking "is this punitive/gentle" then you've let things go too far. Muddle through the best you can today and then YOU learn from it--figure out where to stop things before they get there.

Of course, if you have children under the age of 5, just stop stressing. Focus on your boundaries, and what you want to do, and what you will do--because they are going to act their age no matter what you do. This is the age to focus on how you respond--to focus on BEING the parent you want to be. At these ages it is NOT about outcome--the results will not show themselves for years. Think of the parable of the rich man who owned a field and sowed wheat and during the night the enemy sowed weeds. The workers wanted permission to go out and pull up all the weeds but the landowner said NO--because you might pull out wheat with the weeds. Let them both grow up together and then you will know which is which--and pull out the weeds before the wheat is harvested. (totally paraphrasing--but the parable fits here )

In the toddler/preschool years what may look like a weed is often an immature fruit, and what may look beautiful may turn out to be the bud of a weed. Just focus on building your gardening tools and then when you know which is which you will be prepared
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