[Katigre]

A few thoughts...

INFP's and INFJ's have sensitive hearts, they can be bruised and wounded more easily than other types. My sister in law is an INFP and her experience of her childhood is very different than her brother's - she was deeply affected emotionally by things that were barely a blip on my dh's radar. I'm wondering if your experience of school might be very different than your DS's - is it possible that he would not be affected in the way you were?

Is his personality type more dominant than yours? That can be very draining as a mom to enforce boundaries/standards when their resistance is strong. Do you know his mbti? When he resists/complains about doing a chore or school, is he usually able to get out of doing it or delay/reduce it? (Just saw you mention you're more go with the flow...which for a stronger child can lead to them knowing they can push back and not have to do what they need to).

In terms of homework, having the teacher as the authority assigning it might remove some of the struggle bc there would be outside accountability, not just "mom says". And tying his privileges to finishing his homework might be effective in prioritizing it for him.

Perfectionism is something I work on a lot with my kids starting when they're toddlers bc I want them to feel comfortable practicing failure. Understanding that it's part of the process of mastering skills. I think for oldest children in particular it needs to be actively taught and the learning process reinforced so they get comfortable with it.

For writing, it can help to separate the physical act of writing from the brainstorming/writing process. Until my kids can type quickly, I transcribe their writing as dictation and we compose paragraphs and responses that way. It's been really helpful for my 2nd child in particular.