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Old 03-11-2007, 11:36 PM   #26
canadiyank
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Default Re: Discussion of "Dealing With Disappointment" by Elizabeth Crary

Chapter Three - What Kids Need to Know About Feelings

Everyone has feelings, expressed or suppressed - before people can cope effectively with feelings it's helpful to understand their nature.

Kids need to know:

1. How to identify feelings.
2. The nature of feelings.
3. How to cope with feelings.

How to identify feelings through:

Vocabulary You can do this through labelling your own feelings, observing the feelings of others, labelling children's feelings, using books/videos to introduce feelings (talking about what the character is feeling, asking child to identify character's feeling, telling of a time you felt that way, etc).
Variety Label both comfortable and uncomfortable feelings. Most people only comment on feelings when they are negative..."reflecting only uncomfortable feelings can encourage children to notice and feel more uncomfortable feelings at the expense of comfortable ones" (p. 23).
Gradations There are a wide variety of feelings (for example, pleased/happy/excited are gradations of similar comfortable feelings, while worried/scared/terrified are gradations of similar uncomfortable ones) and children need to be able to discern and identify the difference. Also, if you as a parent notice a mild upset you can offer coping strategies they are likely to reject if they were more upset.
Internal signs of feelings Physical signs such a tenseness, relaxation, hotness, etc. can give insight into what's happening so they are better able to understand what's happening and then deal with it.

The nature of feelings:

Feelings are okay All feelings are acceptable. They can be expressed in helpful or harmful ways.
Feelings change Since most children live in the present they have difficulty thinking they can be *so upset* right now, but that feeling can change. You can be sad now and happy later.
Feelings are different from actions "It's ok to be angry, and it's not ok to hurt someone or something."
Feelings can be expressed in many ways "Young children often express their feelings by crying, screaming, pushing, biting, or hitting. Over time they can learn that there are other ways to demonstrate their feelings. One way you can teach alternatives is to model constructive behaviour and verbalize what you are doing." (p. 27) "I feel really upset! I'm taking three calming breaths...do I feel better?" etc.
Feelings vary from person to person While children can see that feelings vary, they generally assume other people feel exactly as they do. People feel differently about things!
Everyone has feelings Feelings are not tangible, so children can conclude others don't have them...you can teach them about other people's feelings by commenting on them, having the child label them, talking about your own comfortable and uncomfortable feelings, etc.

How to cope with feelings:

"When children are upset there are two aspects - the feeling itself and the situation or event that preceded the feeling. Children need tools or strategies to deal with both these aspects." (p. 29).

You can teach these concepts through:

Modeling
Observations
Stories
Activities
(the future chapters deal with the teaching of these concepts in greater detail)

It is possible for parents to unknowingly discount feelings through denying, reducing, dismissing, and/or solving them.

Denying says you are wrong, you don't feel that way.
Reducing says you are overreacting, you shouldn't feel that strongly.
Dismissing says it is not reasonable for you to feel that way.
Solving discounts the feeling by fixing it rather than accepting it.

Instead of blocking of dismissing the feelings, you can acknowledge you can respond by simply listening (using oh, umm, really? when appropriate), acknowledging the feelings, and/or offering help. This tells the child it's ok to have these feelings and also leaves the responsibility for dealing with the feeling to the child.
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