[bolt.]

I think the answer is to move your 'make it happen' much closer in time-frame to when you actually give your instruction. This is how you form the habit of following the instruction (instead of waiting for enforcement). It's the delay between the instruction and the 'make it happen' is what builds up the 'wait and see if mama is coming' habit.

It sounds like you do...

1) Say the instruction.
2) Watch for compliance for 10 to 30 seconds.
3) Approach the situation.
4) Make it happen.

I'm recommending...

1) Approach the situation.
2) Say the instruction.
3) Watch for compliance only 1 or 2 seconds.
4) Make it happen.

It's more important to develop the specific habit of following instructions as an automatic thing than it is to keep trying for general compliance from a distance. Also it's important to preserve the power of your instruction-words by not giving instructions that you can't or won't 'make happen'.

So, with the car seat thing, you obviously can't 'make it happen' that Asher should do what he has been told to do *while* you are bucking Eli -- you can't be in two places at once. Therefore you can't give an instruction to a 4yo while you are physically occupied with something else.

To develop the following instructions habit, wait until you *can* put him straight into his car seat. Then, while you are standing right-close say, "Get into your car seat." Pause a moment, watch for signs of movement, then lift him in. This shows him, "She says it = it happens." -- which will help him really grasp the process on a visceral cause-and-effect level.

Soon you will see some signs of movement within the time you allow -- so let him complete the task himself, unless he stops (then you would carry the process on). Then give the next instruction (whatever he does with straps and clips). When he is consistently doing the process step by step, give the whole process one name, maybe, "Get yourself ready in your car seat." and see if he carries it all the way through while you are close-by.

When he is consistently doing that, try being slightly further away when you give the instruction. You can increase how distant you are, as long as he is still following your instruction. You will probably find there is a particular distance at which he feels that you aren't close enough to 'make it happen' -- so show him that he's mistaken about that... until he gets it.

That's when you can begin to expect Asher to follow that instruction while you buckle Eli... after you've managed to 'engrave it in stone' through consistently making it happen.

It's not a hard thing, but it is repetative. Making it happen will never be effective from a distance until a child really 'gets' that things are *always* made-to-happen, which requires close contact for the first while of developing the habit. Then you will find it effective even when you are across a room or otherwise occupied -- but don't test it until you are sure. It's important that your instructions *always* happen. You are writing a law of physics here. Exceptions are confusing.