[bolt.]

he's mad because he hates school work. he comes downstairs looking to lash out.
the phone rings..its my best friend.

he says (sarcastically) : Oh! see ya in a couple of hours.. (eyeroll)

I think you could have let this go, and talked to him about it later (in a couple of hours)

Conversation A: "Did you ever notice that when you feel crummy about one thing, you tend to get sarcastic about lots of things? That happens to lots of people. It makes it hard for them to be polite and respectful... do you know that it happens to you sometimes?"

Conversation B: "You know, sometimes when kids your age are having upset feelings, they come looking for a parent, so they can tell someone about those feelings. That's one of the important things parents do for kids your age. So, because I know that, I bet it's extra frustrating when you are already frustrated, and you need me, and you come looking for me, and it turns out that I'm doing something and I'm not going to listen to you. Is that right? Do you have those feelings sometimes? -- OK then, you need something to say, something that's not rude (even though you are upset) that lets me know that you need me, and that it's important. Let's think of some ideas of what you could say."

i ask him towash his oatmeal fixin' supplies after he makes breakfast..
he says: well,you dont always wash your stuff after you make oatmeal

I'd go with a simple, "That's true. Why did you want to tell me that?"

Then he'd be free to say, "Well, I don't know why I have to do things immediately when you get to do them whenever you want to."

Then you would be able to help him figure out why the world actually does work that way -- (a) because you do dishes as a major chore, so it's OK to save things up and do them all together when you are the person totally responsible for that chore, and (b) because oatmeal is a special arcane substance that turns to concrete if it's not dealt with immediately -- so, even when you aren't doing all the dishes right away, you do take care of any oatmeal right away.

do you see whats going on here? he likens himself t be another adult in the house.

This is GREAT! He's asking you all the time, "I notice that adult life seems great. I admire adults. I want to be one. Can you tell me how adult life works, how it differs from a child's life, and why?" -- This is the very basic road to maturity, stability and independence. There is absolutely no reason for you to resent answering these questions.

but somewhere along the way i wonder if i've set up our relationship to be off balance somehow...but. i dont know how.

Not at all. It's just that he's recently crossed over into noticing that standards differ, and he'd like to know how and why (because he suspects that the 'why' might just be because adults are allowed to be bossy because they are large -- if you don't want him to believe that, answer his questions!) And, he immaturely thinks that he might prefer to live under the 'adult' scheme (because it looks good to him as an observer).

If you think he can handle a more adult scheme of freedom (use of his personal discretion) with responsibility, give him boatloads of responsibility and let him! If he can't, tell him why that's so.

Seriously, it would be an insult to his intelligence if you expected him to never notice that you don't actually follow all the rules you have invented for the benefit of small children.

i want -in the end- to have a wonderful atmosphere of communication where my children are not afraid to come to me and tell me that they're struggling in an area..or that they just.. have FEELINGS!

That's what he is doing. He's telling you that he notices he doesn't have adult freedoms, that he's confused and struggling with that idea, and that he has feelings about that. It's OK!

but i also dont want my kids to think they can just speak however to me.

The strategy at this age is to let the moment pass (never try to 'teach' an upset child) and later have a 'remember when this happened' conversation, tell him what he said, what it implied, and why it was offensive / unwise. Then brainstorm better ways of saying the same thing without whatever the problem was. Establish this as a strategy he *wants to use* -- then remind him in other similar moments by saying, "I think you mean to say <polite substitute phrase>, right?"