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Old 05-23-2006, 08:51 PM   #6
raisa
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Default Re: request for stickies discussing definitions of terms

Quote:
punitive (previously, i saw only spanking/slapping as "punitive")
Punitive is adding something extra and typically painful (physical or emotional) with the belief that a child needs to suffer in order to learn. Punishments detach the relationship and discipleship cannot occur without relationship. This is why within the church most punitive teachers will develop "the right way" to spank that involves re-attaching after the detaching experience. This would be the hugs and prayers that are part of the ritual of spanking. This actually makes the punishment more problematic because the child is forced to engage in attaching behavior in the midst of a detaching experience.
This helps clarify how the same action ("time out"/ "taking a break") can be punitive or not, depending on the intent and the way it's implemented. "Go to your room and think about what you did wrong! [I hope you find it unpleasant to be in there]" is punitive. "You need a break to calm your body down and stop hurting people. Let's go to your room and rest" is not punitive.

A few more thoughts on the "punitive mindset." A punitive mindset locks us into reacting to behavior. We feel compelled to punish ("I won't let him get away with that"). This keeps us from showing grace to our children. We are afraid to be playful or nurturing for fear of rewarding bad behavior ("Don't laugh and hug them, they'll just keep doing it.") So, we deny ourselves tools that might help reconnect and diffuse tension. We deny our children the opportunity to feel better.

A punitive mindset sees challenges as power struggles we have to "win." We have to pick someone to be the loser, and blame them. In this mindset, we're more comfortable if they're the bad guy. So we become mind readers and decide they "meant to hurt us" or "know it bugs us" or "did it just to get to me."

How about: In a permissive mindset, we're afraid of our child's unhappy feelings -- In a punitive mindset, we're afraid of their happy feelings . . . ?


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