[DancingWithElves]

Originally Posted by Buela

I too struggle with major anger issues so I am and watching this thread.
What doesn't make sense to me (and get your tomatoes ready) is that all the self-talk and strategy presented here do nothing to end my frustration. If frustration is what happens when your goal is thwarted, for example, getting out the door in a timely manner and I need to lock myself in the bathroom, walk away etc etc I would just get more mad? Cause in the mean time dd would be walking around the house in her salty boots yelling etc. So then not only am I upset that we are late, but also that my floor needs mopping..... sigh

what we are saying, is that when it is a choice b/w hitting a child and walking away, it is always walking away (if it's safe to leave the child) YES, it is better to mop your house ten times over than hit your kid, call him/her names, scare/berate/guilt them.

but if you are just frustrated, angry/hurt/upset, and do not feel you will express yourself inappropriately, then no, walking away will probably not do much. we're talking about different scenarios that play out in our lives in the context of our feelings.
so, if you are frustrated about leaving late, how do you act towards those around you and yourself? is it healthy/productive/helpful/appropriate? if no, how can *you* change it? kwim?

---------- Post added at 01:06 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:05 PM ----------

Originally Posted by BlessedBlue

Self-talk isn't the solution, but it's a means to finding the solution, right? Or is self-talk just a means of retaining sanity and calm?

for me, all of the above, depending on the situation.

---------- Post added at 01:20 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:06 PM ----------

OK: stabilizing--
i remember (tearfully) prying a cooking spoon from ds's hands so hard that it hurt him and he cried. Hello, Irene, this is not an emergency. yes, you need the spoon, yes you are upset about other issues right now and you're putting a lot of nervous energy into stirring that pot of soup, but ds holding a spoon you want is not that kind of emergency!

however, if it were a lightbulb, i'd have to get it from him, as best i could at that time, b/c it *is* dangerous.

basically, when i'm seeing red (about to do something inappropriate, yell, call a name, hit, whatever) all i get to do is stabilize and then i need to take care of myself. So, it may mean i move a pot of soup to the back burner. It may mean i wrestle a knife out of ds's hands, which he grabbed from the counter. I may mean i put the baby where she is safe and ds cannot get to her. that's *IT*. then it's my turn. then i breathe (in the bathroom, outside, in the closet, in the bedroom with door locked) sure, ds may run about bucket naked, he may throw something in frustration, he may hit the door. as those things are happening i feel like : "i should be there right now" but i learned (fairy recently) that i cannot be there until i can behave appropriately. i just don't get to treat my kids that way. i just don't. it's not acceptable. just b/c i don't want to witness their big feelings, or clean up, or have a toy broken in frustration, does not give me permission to stay in the situation while i am out of control and lash out. again, that's what my mother did. i have learned a better way. a HARDER way, but a better way for myself and my children.