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Title: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED it!
Post by: poleidopy on November 01, 2006, 08:31:54 PM
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Today DS was in the living room & I was in the kitchen (next room over) the friend who was over last week criticizing, no I mean *voicing her concerns over my lax parenting* was standing between me & DS. DS shrieked this high-pitched, "trying to get mama's attention" scream. TBH - I didn't really hear it, I've been so stressed lately i kinda tuned it out. So I stuck my head in the doorway to see what he wanted, he wanted to ask me if he could go outside. I said "No, right now we are playing inside! Here, here is your blue ball to play with." and he was fine. This friend was like "You WANT him screaming for you like that! You want him being rude and hurting your ears?!" I was just so fed up and having such a bad day, I had to bite my tongue as to what I FELT like saying to her. Instead, I just said :Yes, I really don't mind. I had tuned him out and he failed to get my attention any other way, so I would rather he yelled for my attention than just went outside by himself." Ugh. It stinks so bad when she questions my every decision. BUT...as hard as it is, i have TOTALLY rubbed off on her AND her DH!!!!
They are both more gentle. They are both more patient. And they have cut out the spanking by about 98% and instead of telling their DS to do something and then spanking him, they have even started doing the 5 steps! (they just don't know it
) SO cool! PTL! I hope to continue rubbing off on her with my weird parenting...bwahahahaha!!!
Oh, I guess my question was what should I do when DS screams? He does it a lot. He screams when he wants something. He screams when he can't have it. he screams when it's bedtime & he's not tired. He screams when i hold his hands to keep him from scratching his eczema until he is oozing and bleeding. he screams when he's having fun. I usually ask him to use his words to tell me what he wants 7 screaming is for outside. I mean, what else am I supposed o do?
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Title: Re: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED
Post by: Kangababys Mom on November 01, 2006, 09:01:51 PM
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What I would do is respond to his screaming with gentle statments such as "when you scream like that it hurts mommy's ears. Can you ask quieter/nicer?" Once you set up the expectation that he is not to scream, don't listen when he screams, or say things like "what, you were so loud mommy couldn't understand what you were saying. Can you ask in an inside voice?" I wouldn't get angry over it, just not meet his demands while he is yelling, insist (gently) that he talks to you and others in an inside voice...unless he is outside
AFA your friend...I agree that children shouldn't yell at their parents for things...but I think you handled it appropriatly. You are right, better your son told you than gone outside w/o permission.
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Title: Re: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED it!
Post by: abbiroads on November 01, 2006, 09:19:08 PM
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I'm wondering when the ability to not scream is present. We have been working on this issue with ds for I think forever and he still screams-all the time.
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Title: Re: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED it!
Post by: canadiyank on November 01, 2006, 09:27:58 PM
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For screaming I say, "Try again with a quieter voice," and model that voice, or just, "Try again." Also, I have taught my dd to say, "Excuse me," and then wait, but that took awhile.
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Title: Re: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED
Post by: euromom on November 01, 2006, 09:42:08 PM
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My ds is a screamer too. Someone on here (can't remember who
) taught me about the "inside scream" It's a open your mouth, pretend like your screaming but no noise comes out scream. I taught this to ds so that when we are in places like a store or the library or even at home and he is getting real excited and screaming I can tell him "Inside scream" and he does a quite one!
I also tune things out easily so something I taught ds is to come and touch my arm or leg and say "mommy mommy" because him touching me gets me out of my zone and into realizing that he needs my attention. If he doesn't come up and physically touch me I may not even realize he is screaming to get my attention but him touching me helps me to know he needs me and I make it a point to stop whatever I am doing when he does that (actually comes and nugges me).
Other times when he screams I may just say "Words" and he knows to use words to tell me what he wants. I also tell him "Ouch, that hurts my ears!"
HTH
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Title: Re: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED it!
Post by: Titus2Momof4 on November 02, 2006, 05:45:46 AM
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OK when I first started reading your post, I was thinking "AGAIN? This same person is over at her house again and criticizing again?? Does this friend just get a rise out of it? Is the OP a "train wreck" to this friend??" Then I got to the part about how you have been rubbing off on her
and now I am thinking, I seriously wonder if when she is critical like this, she is simply voicing her thoughts because she is truly interested in how a GD mama "thinks", kwim? Given what you've said, probably she is just asking questions, like we ask here, only, you have to be the target of her questions
As for the screaming- We have a shrieker too. No fun!
I just keep telling him "Noah, no screaming...say stop/cup/outside/XYZ" and he DOES. It's like he just doesn't have the word for what he wants to say sometimes, so he shrieks. I give him the word to say, and he says it, so he's learning. Meanwhile, I know that it's a phase and as ear-piercing as it is
he'll outgrow it when he has more words (he has LOTS of words, btw, and is very clever... but sometimes he has "feelings" and doesn't have the feeling word, or is so used to shrieking, he doesn't think to SAY his word first), and a little more impulse control to use his words first, and NOT shriek first.
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Title: Re: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED it!
Post by: palil on November 02, 2006, 06:17:05 AM
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You've already gotten some good suggestions for coaching, and it will take time for him to a) have enough words *to* use (and giving him scripts is a great opportunity to help him develop vocabulary!) and b) have the impulse control to catch himself before the scream comes out.
If you realize in the moment WHY he's screaming, I would also reflect that, and state your contribution to it if applicable. "You REALLY want to go outside. You've been trying to get my attention in other ways, and it wasn't working, so you screamed. I'm sorry. I'm listening now, so say it with words instead of screams."
With the having fun inside, maybe you can try to channel the screaming into words like "YEAH! ALRIGHT!" etc. and I LOVE the quiet scream idea for this scenario!
Also make sure he gets plenty of opportunities where he CAN scream if he wants... I have to catch myself sometimes cause even when the boys are outside I don't *want* them to scream, but I have to remind myself that they need that auditory outlet sometimes, and if I don't want it in the house, then... outside is the only option, so let er' rip!
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He screams when i hold his hands to keep him from scratching his eczema until he is oozing and bleeding.
When he's screaming over something like this, it's not a disciplinary issue. I had a very servere rash reaction to something a few years back and had uncontrollable itching for 6 weeks. I thought I was going to lose my mind. It was literally IMPOSSIBLE to stop scratching sometimes, even though I *knew* the scratching made it hurt and itch worse. I was reduced to tears and loud vocal explanations of my grief and frustration many times and just wanted to put my fist through a wall when it was at it's worst. When my dh would try to MAKE me stop scratching he was just offering himself up as a target for my frustration.
Straight up pain is much easier to deal with, IMO. Severe itching with no relief is torture. You probably know all this
but I thought I would offer the reminder. We've been through the eczema thing with my oldest son, and I have to remind myself that the hostility he sometimes directs at me when I'm trying to treat it is not about bad behavior.. it's a manifestation of his pain and upset.
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Title: Re: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED it!
Post by: Quietspirit on November 02, 2006, 06:37:34 AM
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He screams when i hold his hands to keep him from scratching his eczema until he is oozing and bleeding
I'm just going to address the above. Don't do it. Eczema is like living with poison ivy 24/7. Holding his hands to prevent him from scratching is literally torturous.
I know you're doing it from concern and to prevent damage.
But it only inflames the situation and makes the itch worse because he can't get to it. Try preventative things instead. Sew soft cotton socks to the ends of his sleeves to cover his hands. He can then *rub* the itch but can't do damage. Try giving him a cold washcloth (VERY cold...we keep ours in the freezer) to put on the itch. Show him how to rub the itch not scratch it. Give him an ice cube to rub on the itch. Some people like very hot washcloths instead of cold. This makes the itch worse for my son, but it works for some people. We keep Aquaphor in the fridge so it is very cold and we put it on whenever he itches. He gets moisturized with Aquaphor or Cerave cream 5-8 times per day. But it has truly helped his skin. I have a routine...we moisturize 4 times per day (morning, late morning, afternoon, evening) and then we moisturize him whenever he itches as well. We also do not hesitate to use medication for the itching. My son takes either Benadryl or Atarax for itch most days, particularly at night. He has very severe eczema and, during flare ups, is often covered over 95% of his body.
Eczema is the "itch that rashes" so if you can find ways to lessen the itch without making a huge deal (hgue deal = holding hands, saying "don't scratch), you will help to improve his skin.
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Title: Re: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED
Post by: mama-hobbit on November 02, 2006, 07:18:10 AM
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Screaming people go into the bathroom here.
You can scream all you want in the bathroom, but nowhere else. If you start screaming outside of the bathroom you are told to stop, or go into the bathroom.
Usually it echos so loudly in the bathroom that the screaming stops pretty quick because... ITS SO LOUD.
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Title: Re: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED it!
Post by: palil on November 02, 2006, 07:34:15 AM
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Quote
We keep Aquaphor in the fridge so it is very cold and we put it on whenever he itches.
OT but that's a good idea... and so is the cold washcloth. I'll have to try that.
I use Lavendar Shea Butter right now... everything else makes him scream cause it burns, and doesn't seem to help much anyway.... but putting it in the would be pointless cause you have to melt it in your hands before you rub it on. I'll try the cold Aquaphor.
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Title: Re: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED
Post by: Kangababys Mom on November 02, 2006, 07:46:46 AM
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I think I've read on here that some moms have had luck with Emu Oil on Eczema
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Title: Re: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED
Post by: pneumaphile on November 02, 2006, 08:15:14 AM
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You don't have to teach them to stop screaming. They figure it out as they get impulse control. It's obvious to them that the rest of the world does not go through life screaming at each other.
Sometimes in the grocery store, I'd try whispering to the kids to try to get them to whisper instead of scream - with some limited success at some times.
But what I learned is that they do it, they pretty much don't have to impulse control to not do it, it's irritating as all get-out, and then eventually they just stop and use words instead! It's a developmental stage, I think.
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Title: Re: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED it!
Post by: Quietspirit on November 02, 2006, 09:13:43 AM
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Screaming people go into the bathroom here
Her little one is very little for this though. I *think* he's only 2 or so.
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Title: Re: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED
Post by: milkmommy on November 02, 2006, 09:32:01 AM
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It's obvious to them that the rest of the world does not go through life screaming at each other.
Ahh havent met my MIL then
Is pretty clear she never learned screaming and throwing tantrums don't work, her voice has lowered over time but the whinning ect is still there. While I do think much of it is age I disagree that in "all" cases it just goes away on its own. DD screaming has gotten worse especially when we started "ingnoring it" (but I'm at a loss on what to do instead) her communcation has taken leaps and bounds but the screaming is worse...
I'm trying tofigure out a possible organic cause...
Deanna
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Title: Re: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED it!
Post by: palil on November 02, 2006, 10:03:19 AM
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(( Deanna ))
I think it can resurface at times due to physical issues or emotional stress.
And I agree that it's more difficult if a child has an example in their life who *does* scream in response to anger or frustration. Whether it's a parent, a grandparent, a family friend, or another child... when they see/experience it coming from someone else, and especially if they see if happening without producing boundary-setting from other people, then it can be much harder to lead them by example even after they've passed the ages where some screaming is developmentally normal.
:/
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Title: Re: what do I do when DS SCREAMS? same critical friend asked me today if I LIKED it!
Post by: abbiroads on November 02, 2006, 02:32:16 PM
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Quote from: milkmommy on November 02, 2006, 09:32:01 AM
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It's obvious to them that the rest of the world does not go through life screaming at each other.
Ahh havent met my MIL then
Is pretty clear she never learned screaming and throwing tantrums don't work, her voice has lowered over time but the whinning ect is still there. While I do think much of it is age I disagree that in "all" cases it just goes away on its own. DD screaming has gotten worse especially when we started "ingnoring it" (but I'm at a loss on what to do instead) her communcation has taken leaps and bounds but the screaming is worse...
I'm trying tofigure out a possible organic cause...
Deanna
and I think this goes hand in hand with our "no" discussion
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