mammal_mama

About the logical consequence of taking the keys away from the older teen who's acted irresponsibly with the car -- I'm wondering how "logical" it is for a 16yo young adult, who's been primarily raised with GBD, to need such intensive parenting?

I realize we've all come to GBD from a variety of different background situations, and I fully understand that a teen who's been raised with primarily punitive parenting isn't likely to mentally BE a young adult at 16 (or even at 19 or 21). Some of my punitive friends have teens who still seem to be making really important life decisions based on questions like, "What punishment will my parents give me if I sneak out in the middle of the night to have sex with my boyfriend ... and happen to get caught?"

It seems like many of them just weigh the fun of the misbehavior against the parent-imposed consequence IF they get caught, and the actual likelihood of getting caught -- and when they're grown up with punishment, some really spirited teens reach the place where they're "used to" spankings, and "used to" being grounded for a month, and they just develop an "I don't care" attitude. It's like the years of punishment have totally blinded them to the potential life-altering consequences of unwed pregnancy or sexually-transmitted disease, or reckless driving, or substance abuse. They're just focused on surviving the short-term punishment from Mom and Dad. With those kids you might really have to lock up the car keys (and your prescription drugs, too!).

But I think a primarily GBD-raised teenager is capable of thinking about long-term consequences -- such as killing or disabling themselves, or someone else, through reckless driving. I think a GBD teen would shudder at the thought of having to live the rest of his life knowing someone else's child, sibling, friend, or parent is dead because HE wanted to drive twenty miles over the speed limit in freezing rain.

I say this because it seems unnatural that so many parents (Christian and otherwise) are struggling to "get control of" young people who are physically adults capable of being parents themselves. I realize we live in a complex, dysfunctional society where it's generally not advisable for young people to mate and bear children the moment they reach puberty -- and where young adults often need our financial support well beyond the point when teens in primitive societies are fully participating in adult society

(But for the sake of accuracy, I must point out that primitive people live in interdependent societies where no one, of any age, goes off on his or her own to live independently from the group) --

But even though I wouldn't encourage my daughters to marry right after menarche, and I'd want to help them as much as possible in preparing for their life's work, I STILL don't anticipate continuing to "discipline" them when they're physically young adults. That's because I'm expecting they'll ALSO be young adults mentally and emotionally, albeit young adults living in a mixed-up society where they're likely to need greater parental support than, say, the Yekuana of the Amazon River-Basin.

I'm thinking a GBD parent should be able to relate to her teen in more of a mentor/mentee (or older adult/younger adult) sort of relationship -- rather than a parent/child relationship. But my oldest is only 7, so I can't say I really KNOW. What are long-time GBD parents of teens finding?