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Title: THEY WON'T STOP FIGHTING!!!!!!!!!!!
Post by: purplerose on May 19, 2005, 09:33:05 AM
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I'm trying to be as gentle as I can, but my 3 and 2yo won't stop fighting!!!!uhghhghggh!!
They just scream and scream at each other! This started yesterday and they are doing it again this morning!!! I'm trying to distract them, but it's just not working!! DH wants to revert back to yelling and a swat on the bottom again, but I told him NO!!! It's just a phase and they'll work through it. I'm trying to get them to do other activities, and even tried to put them in separate activities, but they just want what the other is doing!! Any advice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Title: Re: THEY WON'T STOP FIGHTING!!!!!!!!!!!
Post by: blessed2mothr4 on May 19, 2005, 10:10:48 AM
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Lara
I have been dealing w/ this w/ my 4 yo and 3 yo all week! I have been so upset w/ them and did revert back to yelling at them.
Today I woke up and said "thing have got to change" So I changed things... We worked on sorting through toys, cleaning and played together. When they started to fight I waited a few minutes to see how they'd work it out and then intervene if I needed. I just tried to keep them busy w/ playing or cleaning and it seemed to help...
I will be praying for you! I know how very frustrating it is.
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Title: Re: THEY WON'T STOP FIGHTING!!!!!!!!!!!
Post by: ArmsOfLove on May 19, 2005, 11:13:11 AM
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What they are showing you is that not fighting before was not because they knew how to get along--it was from fear of punishment. So it's time to actively teach them how to get along. Problem solving skills are important, they need to know how to reflect feelings, assign a positive intent, all the things you're learning need to be being passed on to them
Can you describe a fight between them and what it sounds/looks like so I can help with where I'd insert what?
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Title: Re: THEY WON'T STOP FIGHTING!!!!!!!!!!!
Post by: purplerose on May 19, 2005, 01:20:08 PM
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I figured maybe a change in scenerey or people would help! So my girlfriend came over with her little boy and the 3 of them palyed in the backyard and got along great! Then we took the kids to McDonald's for lunch and they played great again! Then we came home and me and my 2 kids played outside (I had to really supervise them, not because of their fighting, but b/c of the little boy next door)....when the little boy started to get mean I said "Ok, let's go in for quiet time and nap time" and NO ARGUEMENTS!!!
Now DD is upstairs laying in my bed for her quiet time (watching tv) and DS is playing down her next to me right now for a few more mintues and then I will lay him down and get DD down for a nap and then I get NICE AND PEACEFUL MOMMY TIME!!!!!!!!!!
I guess they had some pent up energy they needed to get out!!!!!
I'm just glad to know that I'm not the only one who goes through this at times!!!!!!
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Title: Re: THEY WON'T STOP FIGHTING!!!!!!!!!!!
Post by: ArmsOfLove on May 19, 2005, 01:37:02 PM
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Yeah
that "taking a break" skill is invaluable! That's why I love the Comfort Corner
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Title: Re: THEY WON'T STOP FIGHTING!!!!!!!!!!!
Post by: Joanne on May 19, 2005, 03:42:06 PM
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Quote
DH wants to revert back to yelling and a swat on the bottom again, but I told him NO!!! It's just a phase and they'll work through it. I'm trying to get them to do other activities, and even tried to put them in separate activities, but they just want what the other is doing!! Any advice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, you and DH are both right and both wrong.
It is a common stage. One that will take many forms in the next .... 10 years or so. Indeed, my sister and I still "fight" in ways and we are 39 and 50.
So, yes, it's a phase. And, yes, they need the type of boundaries that spanking would provide - but without the spanking.
Here's what I'd do. I'd look at my lifestyle. When things get like that around here, we usually:
1) Watch too much TV (or over use other screen activities).
2) Don't get outside enough.
3) Have too many toys.
4) Don't have enough predictable structure.
5) I have started repeating myself instead of "making it happen".
So, I change all of that. Those are proactive responses. For responsive discipline (in the moment), they get a do-over after I coach them through a better way to handle the situation. Continued fighting means that NO ONE plays with the item.
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Title: Bad day with 9 yo dd. Long-ish and need feedback
Post by: Mothering by Heart on August 05, 2005, 11:11:04 AM
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Yesterday, my 9yo dd kept having a hard time listening to her siblings. She would hit them, and when they told her to stop doing something, she would just not stop. I had to step in and say, "When someone tells you stop, you stop."
Later last night, before bed, she threw something at her 2YO SISTER"S FACE!! She is 2!!. I just don't get it. It was pretty close to bedtime, so I said, "You have had a hard time listening to people today, you have been hitting and now you just threw a toy at a baby's face. You need to go to bed, now, beause you are having a hard time being arouind other people.
She started crying and screaming that she was NOT going to bed and that she would just turn the light back on. I said you are going to bed, and I will turn the light back off. I said good night , turned on the night light and turned off the light.
I heard her get out of bed, and I went to her room and the light was back on. I fixed her fan so she couldn't turn the light back on. She started screaming that she hated me. I said, "Well, I love you. Goodnight" and I left.
I went down stairs. A few minutes later, she comes down stairs crying and startes arguing about going to bed. I stated again why she needed to and that was it. My dh backed me up. So she yelled at us both to "Shut Up!" I got off the couch and took her hand to lead her up stairs saying, "You may ot talk to me like that. Go to bed." SHe stomped as loudly as she could to her room.
After giving her a few minutes, I went upstairs to her room to talk with her . On her door was a sign that said "MOM" It was in a circle with a line drawn through it. I pushed open her door. I was going to see how she was doing. Before I could say anything, she snapped, "Can't you read?"
My face fell and I turned and walked out. A few minutes later, she came downstairs again and said, "I removed the sign."
I said, "okay"
"Well, aren't you going to come back and talk to me?"
I said, "When I am ready."
I finished what I was doing and then went upstairs to talk to her. She started crying and said. "I don't understand why you did a big thing to me when I only did a small thing." :/
I said, "I didn't do anything to you. You have had a hard time all day respecting people's boundaries and hurting them. I don't think that is a small thing."
She wanted me to spend more time with her, but this was a preplanned night with dd 5 and I didn't think it was fair to take that from dd 5. I reiterated that I loved her and told her good night.
Today, she seems to be in a happy mood. I am just wondering what I could have done differently if anything.
Thanks
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Title: Re: Bad day with 9 yo dd. Long-ish and need feedback
Post by: ArmsOfLove on August 05, 2005, 11:44:55 AM
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Amy, ever have a bad day when you pick a fight with someone just so you can get all your angst out? Ever look to be provoked or take innocent things wrong knowing it had nothing to do with the innocent thing but you needed to just get the yucky stuff inside out? It sounds like your 9yo was having one of those days
After the pattern started and she was clearly being negative and antagonistic I'd have turned my focus to pursuing her to figure out what was really wrong. Sounds like she was pushing you away to see if you loved her enough to pursue her. She needs you to walk through the sign, break through her nasty, and hug and love on the little hurt girl who is buried under all the crud
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Title: Re: Bad day with 9 yo dd. Long-ish and need feedback
Post by: Mothering by Heart on August 05, 2005, 12:03:01 PM
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Quote
Amy, ever have a bad day when you pick a fight with someone just so you can get all your angst out? Ever look to be provoked or take innocent things wrong knowing it had nothing to do with the innocent thing but you needed to just get the yucky stuff inside out?
Oh Yeah. I can totally see now what was happening. So, instead of letting my face fall and leaving when she asked if I can read, I should have said something like, "Yes, I read the sign but I really want to make sure you are okay. Is there anything you would like to talk about?"
And when I noticed the pattern earlier, I should have been more proactive in finding out the cause.
I just realized that when she came down and told me that she had removed the sign, I was "punishing" her by saying I would come up when I was ready
Do you agree with that conclusion?
This was so out of character for her, so I can see that it was just "one of those days" but I didn't help her through it like I should have because she "should know better"
Well, I feel better knowing more how to help her through it next time
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Title: Re: Bad day with 9 yo dd. Long-ish and need feedback
Post by: singingmom on August 05, 2005, 12:10:27 PM
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I read your post earlier, but I didn't know what to say. I have similar moments with my oldest every now and then and I don't know what to do other than basically what you did. I tend to want to put him alone in his room, but I know that doesn't really help. So I'm exhorted and encouraged by Crystal's post and I plan to love him through the crud next time.
I do think you did very well staying calm in the face of her anger.
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Title: Re: Bad day with 9 yo dd. Long-ish and need feedback
Post by: ArmsOfLove on August 05, 2005, 12:38:34 PM
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Quote
I just realized that when she came down and told me that she had removed the sign, I was "punishing" her by saying I would come up when I was ready Do you agree with that conclusion?
Yeah, but don't beat yourself up over it
It's more that feeling bad is a cycle and people who feel bad act bad. She felt bad so she acted bad and everyone she encountered ended up feeling bad and acting bad and pretty soon everyone's just feeling and acting bad
By identifying the pattern you can choose to not take it personal next time and just not feel bad--assigning a positive intent means you can say, "Hey, she's being jerky but she's wonderful, something must be wrong"
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Title: Re: Bad day with 9 yo dd. Long-ish and need feedback
Post by: Mothering by Heart on August 05, 2005, 12:47:41 PM
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Quote
By identifying the pattern you can choose to not take it personal next time and just not feel bad--assigning a positive intent means you can say, "Hey, she's being jerky but she's wonderful, something must be wrong"
Got it
Thank you so much
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Title: Re: Bad day with 9 yo dd. Long-ish and need feedback
Post by: 4blessings on August 05, 2005, 02:45:31 PM
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Great thread. Very helpful! I'm taking notes for future reference. I have similar situations with my 10 y/o sometimes. Thanks girls!
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Title: Re: Bad day with 9 yo dd. Long-ish and need feedback
Post by: mom2threePKs on August 06, 2005, 02:56:11 PM
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When my almost 9 yo dd acts like that (and yes, she acts just like that) I have found tht writing notes back and forth under the door can help unlock from the conflict and stat communicating again. I think it hels her feel like she has my undivided attention even with her sisters around. The notes usually degenerate into silliness :P then we can talk about things. Telling her tht although her behavior was attrocious, I don't think she is fundamentlly flawed or a bad girl seems to help break the pattern as well. Plus lots of hugs and kisses.
I feel so much better hearing that another 9yo dd has moments like mine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Magan
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Title: Re: Bad day with 9 yo dd. Long-ish and need feedback
Post by: Mothering by Heart on August 06, 2005, 03:19:13 PM
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Quote
When my almost 9 yo dd acts like that (and yes, she acts just like that) I have found that writing notes back and forth under the door can help unlock from the conflict and stat communicating again
That is a great idea, Magan!
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Title: Re: Bad day with 9 yo dd. Long-ish and need feedback
Post by: Wake Me Up on August 06, 2005, 05:36:58 PM
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I notice this with my dd. The uglier she's being with me, the more she has something inside that she really needs to get out and talk about.
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