[canadiyank]

I think of punitive as things "added on" to make the kid feel bad. Things that are beyond the teaching part of discipline. That was hard for to grasp and I still struggle with wanting my kids to feel bad. Punitive can be physical as well as words, forced isolation, etc.

Willful defiance vs. lack of impulse control. Hmm. Well, I think this has to do with intent, which sometimes we can tell in the child, and sometimes not. Either way, you need to address the behaviour. And even if it *is* defiance (as in, able to control behaviour, and willfully making a choice to act a way that is different from the parent's request) it can still be dealt with in a graceful way.

Grace vs. Permissiveness - I see permissiveness as a lack of boundaries - either none or weak. Not backing up your requests with actions. At it's worst, apathy and neglect. Grace, in it's purest form, is undeserved. I think grace, as Paul says, is not license, which I think it can be seen as.

Consequences - natural: what would happen with no intervention; logical: respectful, related, relevant, and useful for preventing recurrence of behaviour; imposed: unrelated to offence and often a eumphenism for punishment.

Normal vs. normative - the age-old question of "what is normal?" LOL. I think of "normative" as "average," like, an average age for a kid to start crawling, or expected behaviour for a kid of that age. Normal is what is usual for that indivual (per "Crystal's Book" thread) but on these boards is obviously used in it's "normal" sense of "average," too.

Appropriate vs. age-appropriate - I have heard "age-expected" lately and I prefer that terminology. What is normative beahviour for that age group - you can expect it, be prepared for it, and commiserate with others going through the same thing - doesn't mean it's appropriate (e.g., hitting) as inapproprate behaviours need to be addressed. Understanding age-app behaviour helps formulate you to form an appropriate response to that behaviour.

Ok - I interviewed dh, here's his responses:

WD vs. Lack of impulse control: child choosing to do something parent asks them not to; IC - everyone struggles with (he gave example of him and a bag of Doritos), not necessarily related to age, but can be.

Punitive: anything that would put fear in a child.

G vs. P: Permissiveness is just allowing things to happen whereas Grace is more involved, using things to teach what is right.

Consequences - connontation of consequence would mean a "pre-knowledge" natural: whatever happens as result of action; imposed: if "x" happens, "y" will happen (imposed by parents); logical: type of imposed, but more apt for the child to learn from, direct corellation to original action.

What "normal" is is your pre-conceived idea of what it should be; normative is general actions rather than preconceived ideas of what those actions should be.

Appropriate vs. age-appropriate: age-ap would give reason for inappropriate behaviour, not that it's an excuse, but a truth.