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Old 02-19-2007, 12:13 PM   #11
mammal_mama
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Default Re: request for stickies discussing definitions of terms

I sometimes hear parents saying they (the parents) use natural and logical consequences as a "teaching tool." I think this is all backward. Every person's born into this world with a strong drive to explore and learn about natural cause-and-effect relationships: it's the CHILDREN who use natural consequences as a learning tool: no one should be using natural consequences "on" them.

I think the healthy approach is for parents to respect their children's desires to explore these relationships, and to ONLY intervene when the children want them to -- or when they know the children really WOULD want the intervention if they fully understood what would happen (i.e., no toddler really wants to experience the consequence of pulling a pan of boiling water off the stove, so in cases like these we redirect the child; an older child may think she doesn't need to wear her coat to the park, but if the parent knows it's a windy day and she's likely to wish she had it, a caring parent would suggest bringing the coat along just in case).

I think it's natural, healthy parenting to respect our children's autonomy and let them learn in the ways they want to learn. But I don't think it naturally "follows" that we'd stand back and withhold our intervention at times when we know they'd want it -- even if we felt they could survive the consequence and learn from it. That's not treating others as WE'D like to be treated.

For instance, if I accidentally left a practically-full gallon of milk on the counter after dinner and went to bed, and my husband came down for a bedtime snack and noticed, it wouldn't naturally "follow" that he'd leave it out and let it spoil "to teach me a lesson" -- or that he'd insist I get out of bed and carry my latched-on toddler down the stairs with me to put it away so "maybe next time I'd remember."

If no one noticed the milk and it DID sit out overnight, it wouldn't naturally "follow" that dh would say, "You've wasted $3.50, and that's about half the cost of that new book you wanted me to pick up -- so I'll just wait 'till you find a way to make up the $3.50 before you can have the book. Maybe you can do some babysitting, or sling the baby on your back and go shovel the neighbors' snow or something."

Even if I chronically forgot to put food back in the fridge, my husband's natural response would be to double-check and help me with this, not to impose some unpleasant consequence to "make me think."

What "naturally" follows if milk gets left out to spoil is, if it's the last carton, the family might need to have eggs and toast instead of cereal in the morning ... what naturally follows is, if milk's an essential part of the family's diet, the milk will need to be replaced as soon as possible. Sometimes our budget's extremely tight, so if we wasted our last gallon of milk, we might have to eat really creatively for a few days 'till dh got another paycheck --

or it's possible that he could replace the milk right away but not have enough left over for my book, in which case he'd buy the book out of his next paycheck; if I was really desperate for something new to read NOW he'd pick something up at the library to get me through.

I just don't think we should approach the situation any differently if it was our CHILD who made the error. I think treating my child differently than how I'D want to be treated is essentially slapping the "natural consequences" label on a punishment.
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