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Old 03-09-2011, 02:04 AM   #31
Climbing Rose
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Default Re: "Is This Punitive?" is missing the point of GBD

Originally Posted by Joyanne View Post
By the same token, however, just because the consequence makes them feel badly, does not mean it is wrong to use that consequence or is punitive, etc.

Kids are fighting over a toy. They've been warned that the toy will be taken away and they will be separated if they cannot stop fighting.

What response teaches/enforces healthy boundaries?"
I will put the toy on the top shelf in my closet, so that everyone will learn to take turns or play together. I will separate the children so that they will not hurt one another and will understand that they will lose the privelege of playing together if they can't play together without fighting.
"Will this response help keep everyone safe?" Yes, and it will keep the toy from getting broken.

"What values do I want to teach in this situation?" I want to teach them to be kind to one another, and to be careful with their things. Patience, responsibility also play a part.

"Will my response teach them a pattern for how to act in the future?"
Yes, they will learn that there are consequences to our behavior, both positive or negative.

Now, the children may not like this response at all. They may howl and kick and fuss, etc. But it is a fair and logical consequence, and it isn't punitive, at least to me. I'm not trying to punish them, I'm attempting to teach them how to get along with others, how to be responsible with their belongings, etc. Not attempting to punish them because their behavior has angered me, and they 'deserve' to have their toys taken and not to be allowed to play together.

In Christ,
Wouldn't it be better to give the children *words* they can say to each other when fighting over a toy is taking place.....teach them *how* to get them closely so you can intervene when you figure out who is the perpetrator, by intervene I mean, at that very moment, give them verbal proactive teaching, to actually *show* them how to get along and share with each other, take turns, etc. ?

How does putting the toy on the shelf *teach* them to take turns or play together? Isn't teaching active verbalization?

I think if we are right there with them when they are playing it is possible to work with them and instruct them how to get along, mostly by giving them words to say to their brother or sister, like, "what you just did upset me...I want to play with the toy *this* way....An example would be yesterday in my home, my 7 yr old had set up a board with some toys on the end of it and he was rolling a golf ball to play "bowling" the toys down. His 5 yo sister came along (I didn't see this) and must have interrupted his play or taken one of the toys and played with it in a less controlled fashion, and this upset my boy, who started yelling at her. At that point I need to join them, sit down at the floor with them and help my son to "explain" to his sister that he was using the golf balls to play bowling, and I could *help* her to join in with his game without distrubing its setup. By *being * there w/ my children, I think I can do some of this more proactive teaching. sort of like Joanne's GOYB parenting (get off your butt). Does this make sense?
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