[Rugayatu]

This morning we were working in the garden. DD LOVES to dig and I love to let her, but we're getting to the point where seeds need to go in most places. So she was digging in one bed while I was planting in the next bed. Then, she stepped in the bed. I told her she needed to stay on the grass or on the path between beds. She did not get off the bed so I repeated that she needed to get off the bed and stay on the grass or on the path. Then I helped her back onto the grass and showed her how to walk around to the path. She did, then jumped into the bed. I removed her to the path. She kicked mulch up onto the bed.

At this point maybe I just should have removed us both from the situation? But I didn't. It's gorgeous out, I wanted to be outside with her and get things done because we've had rain lately and it's finally nice. I set her on the grass, looked her in the eye and repeated that she could dig in the bed with her shovel but her feet needed to stay on the grass or on the path and if she could not behave properly in the garden, she would have to stay out of the garden. As soon as I let go of her she ran, laughing, through the garden. At this point I was getting angry and did not handle myself well. I grabbed her arm and swung her out of the garden twice in a way that was not so gentle or self-controlled. After the second time I grabbed her hand and walked her down, away from the garden, towards the front yard. Once there she broke free and ran ahead and straight into one of my flower gardens. I grabbed her out of there and carried her, first laughing and then crying, inside.

I just feel so defeated about this. I was rougher with her than I want to be. I let my anger get a hold of me. I need scripts on how to deal with direct defiance like this (or help me see what else it is - that's the only vocabulary I have to describe these actions ). She doesn't often look at me and do exactly what I just told her not to do, but when she does it is one of my major buttons. Coming from my FOO, that = defiance = spanking and I don't have any other positive tools to use in that circumstance. I didn't spank her today, but boy did I want to!