[DancingWithElves]

hugs, mamas. this is such a good conversation... hard but good

so, mamahammer: first, i wanted you to know, that professionally, when i want to ask a mother just one question, to see how she's doing, coping, etc. i ask: "If one of your kids spilled a large glass of milk on the floor right now, how would you feel and what would you do? " Some mamas just consider their answer, and their chin starts quivering, and they start crying, and that's pretty much my clue (been there myself, btw), and still more look down to hide their eyes, b/c they know they would not do anything they'd be proud of (been there a-plenty also). Situations like that just tell you a lot about how much margin you have, kwim?

WE NEED MARGIN! b/c we are mothers and milk is gonna get spilled, and messes *just* cleaned are gonna get messed up again in a second, while it took all-stinkin-day to clean, and if we don't have margin we'll end up acting a way that we'll regret later. Everyone needs margin. I get it by not answering my phone (esp. when mother calls ) by eating, a lot and often (two nurslings) by doing only one thing out of three that i am convinced i just have to do
i hope this makes sense.

i am a survivor of abuse and i know that i carry anger in my body like a bruise or a toxin or something i know what it's like to be out of control. but hey, now for my 3 yr. old who screeches like a bat and has a crazy look, i have compassion for him, b/ c i know what it's like, i know exactly what it's like. and it's harder for dh to understand him...

basically there are two types of ppl: one type can get the anger out and rid of it by physical activity, it can by just running, but it also can be punching, slapping, whatever, while processing the anger, thinking angry thoughts basically. i have never met a survivor of abuse or a current/recovering addict who was this type
and another type, who may initially feel better while getting it "out' physically, but in the end only feels worse, and may become out of control, etc. I'm def. this type.

I have to have margin... b/c even while taking myself to my room i can be out of control. i can mutter profanities, or throw something on the way, or slam the door (latter being so unsafe... have i told you about the freak accident i witnessed? )

it really helps to become vulnerable at that time. this took a long time to learn, b/c i had to keep repeating to myself that i am safe now, where i am now it is safe to be vulnerable (i have not been for the first 17 yrs of my life) so what you'd see is my getting really and then taking a deep breath, verbalizing the hurt that is under that and starting to cry.
Which is *really* helpful to ds b/c mad is scary, and sad he can understand: he messed up something i was working on, and now i'm sad, that makes perfect sense to him. Plus, sad he knows how to work with: bring mama something nice, give mama kisses, etc.