Re: Dealing with my parents
It is interesting how parenting your own children sheds light on your own upbringing - and that can be heartbreaking if you realize your parents made some foundational errors of judgment, especially if it seems like those mistakes were avoidable or involved misplaced priorities. There's something about holding your own child and thinking, "wow, I could never do that...why did THEY do that?" That is a very painful experience.
As to structuring a future relationship with them, it sounds like you're torn--you don't have an intimate relationship with them and don't feel safe when you imagine what that would be like, but on the other hand you don't want to cut them off if to do that is a blind following of the same toxic pattern of disagreement = disapproval = rejection = disfellowshipping.
I think Amy has a good suggestion for you--what you're describing is some big stuff, and talking it through in counseling might be very helpful.
ETA: Welcome to GCM! I hope you'll find lots of good support and friendship here!
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