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Old 07-06-2007, 01:14 AM   #19
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Default Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting

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Title: "I'm going to hit you Mommy." How to respond?
Post by: klpmommy on July 11, 2006, 09:05:27 AM
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DD was way overtired today & when I told her that we were going upstairs to take a nap she said "I'm going to hit you Mommy". I asked if that was because she was angry and she said yes, she didn't want to go to sleep. I responded that I couldn't allow her to hit me, but she could use her words like she did & she could hit her pillow or the bed or even give me an "ouchie five" (ds's favorite thing is to give me a high five & me to yell Ouch! That hurt). She said she didn't want to do any of those things & came over & hit my bottom about 3 times. She has never been spanked & it has been a long time since ds was spanked- I think she picked my bottom b/c it was the easiest thing for her to reach. I didn't say anything at that point, just picked her up & took her to bed where I laid down with her while she fought me until she fall asleep. She normally doesn't fight sleep this hard, we have had a rough couple of days irt sleep (or lack thereof). Hoping she will take a good long nap & wake up in a much better mood.

But how should I respond to "I'm going to hit you Mommy" and being hit?


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Title: Re: "I'm going to hit you Mommy." How to respond?
Post by: pneumaphile on July 11, 2006, 09:40:30 AM
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I think you handled it great. I liked the way you gave her options, and validated her feelings, and got her need (sleep) met. Usually if I'm being hurt I move my body out of harm's way.


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Title: Re: "I'm going to hit you Mommy." How to respond?
Post by: Mamatoto on July 11, 2006, 09:53:17 AM
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I may have said, "No, you're not" picked her up and held her and said, "I know you don't want to take a nap, but it's nap time, let's go lay down together..."


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Title: Re: "I'm going to hit you Mommy." How to respond?
Post by: Joanne on July 11, 2006, 04:13:00 PM
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I think you did fine and your wording great. "I won't let you" is very important body language to teach.

If possible, I would have stopped her after the first hit or at the attempt.


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Title: Re: "I'm going to hit you Mommy." How to respond?
Post by: klpmommy on July 12, 2006, 10:33:00 AM
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I realized what my problem was with the way I handled this. I didn't *do* anything, ie I didn't punish dd in any way. I am pretty good at not feeling the need to punish these days, but this one involved being hit so I felt like I should do more than "just" meet her need for sleep & realize this was an unusual behavior due to being overtired.

Thanks for your help!


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Title: Re: "I'm going to hit you Mommy." How to respond?
Post by: Radosny Matka on July 12, 2006, 11:01:25 AM
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Quote from: klpmommy on July 12, 2006, 10:33:00 AM
I realized what my problem was with the way I handled this. I didn't *do* anything, ie I didn't punish dd in any way. I am pretty good at not feeling the need to punish these days, but this one involved being hit so I felt like I should do more than "just" meet her need for sleep & realize this was an unusual behavior due to being overtired.

Thanks for your help!


Anyone is inrrational when overtired, adults included. Since it was behavior out of the ordinary, you did great with your reaction. There is no need to punish. Our goal isn't to punish, it is to teach. You did just that - you held your boundry and let her know that your words have meaning - that she was going to sleep and that was final. I too would have done what snugglemama said, "no your not, it's time for bed." After being hit I would have stopped it after the 1st time and firmly said, "you may NOT hit mommy. hitting hurts. I'm putting you to bed."


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Title: Re: "I'm going to hit you Mommy." How to respond?
Post by: Heather Micaela on July 12, 2006, 11:06:00 AM
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I read the title and was thinking "at least you were warned" my dd just blindsides me.

Ok that didn't help at all, but you are not alone...


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Title: Re: "I'm going to hit you Mommy." How to respond?
Post by: klpmommy on July 12, 2006, 11:51:32 AM
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I realize that the way I stated this was not the way I meant it.


Quote
I realized what my problem was with the way I handled this. I didn't *do* anything, ie I didn't punish dd in any way. I am pretty good at not feeling the need to punish these days, but this one involved being hit so I felt like I should do more than "just" meet her need for sleep & realize this was an unusual behavior due to being overtired.

What I meant was I realized why I was questioning how I responded. It just seemed too easy in a lot of ways,kwim? I didn't need to punish b/c once she got her nap in she was much more normal.

The three hits were very quick. My hands were full & I was putting stuff down. I really couldn't have stopped her after one hit, I don't think. But maybe if I hadn't been so stunned that she actually hit me I might have been quicker.

thanks again


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Title: Re: "I'm going to hit you Mommy." How to respond?
Post by: TulipMama on July 13, 2006, 11:59:51 PM
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Quote
I realized what my problem was with the way I handled this. I didn't *do* anything, ie I didn't punish dd in any way. I am pretty good at not feeling the need to punish these days, but this one involved being hit so I felt like I should do more than "just" meet her need for sleep & realize this was an unusual behavior due to being overtired.

I totally understand. I still sometimes feel trapped by my thinking that wants a cause-and-effect reaction that is punishing. *hug*

You did great. Stated the situation and boundaries, reflected feelings, and dealt with the root issue. You enforced the boundaries as best you could (ie, hands full, surprised by the actions--didn't get to restrain her from a repeated swat) but you still enforced the boundary and dealt with the root issue.

The only thing I would add (though you might have done it! *Grin*) was as we were settling for the nap, prayed silently or outloud for wisdom in this situation. Sometimes praying aloud helps my children calm and the Lord uses it in their hearts. Sometimes praying silently is what we need most. . .

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Title: Where can I find "You hit, you sit?" Don't know how it works...
Post by: jmme on October 01, 2006, 09:54:34 PM
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I did a search and well I couldn't find it

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Title: Re: Where can I find "You hit, you sit?" Don't know how it works...
Post by: canadiyank on October 01, 2006, 11:13:08 PM
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Hmmm....maybe we could start a sticky for that!

Crystal...can you explain? I've used it modified, mostly pulling the hitter off to attend to the hittee. The main premise, as I understand it is to put some space in between them, allow them to calm down, and then make amends when calm.

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Title: Re: Where can I find "You hit, you sit?" Don't know how it works...
Post by: HomeWithMyBabies on October 02, 2006, 04:36:27 AM
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I have a tough time with this one too. I've tried it a few times before but wasn't sure what I was doing and it didn't work.

I let ds pick where he wants to sit, but he spends about .001 seconds there before he's up again and ready to resume hitting. Maybe he's too young for it to make sense?

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Title: Re: Where can I find "You hit, you sit?" Don't know how it works...
Post by: canadiyank on October 04, 2006, 10:27:49 PM
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Bumping...I'll bring this to Crystal's attention....

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Title: Re: Where can I find "You hit, you sit?" Don't know how it works...
Post by: ArmsOfLove on October 04, 2006, 10:40:19 PM
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I thought we had a sticky

Basically, when children get into it and someone hits/hurts I intervene and move them physically, if necessary, and say, "You hit, you sit. Go to the couch until I come to you." Then I make sure the other person is okay--check them physically, listen to their side of things, reflect and validate AND find out if they provoked the aggression. Then I go to the hitter and calm them down and hear their side and reflect and validate. THEN I bring both calmed children back together and encourage them both, if necessary, to make amends for whatever wrong they did to each other.

the purpose is to stop the encounter immediately and to unravel the knot so that we can retie the bow together

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Title: Re: Where can I find "You hit, you sit?" Don't know how it works...
Post by: Mamatoto on October 06, 2006, 06:48:34 PM
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How often do you do this in a day, Crystal? Does this happen a lot with your kids?

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Title: Re: Where can I find "You hit, you sit?" Don't know how it works...
Post by: jmme on October 06, 2006, 07:21:07 PM
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Aha... Thanks so much Crystal! Do you also talk to the kiddos about having gentle hands and feet and that it's not okay to hurt brother/sister? Also, what are some good words for me to use to validate and reflect my children's feelings?

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Title: Re: Where can I find "You hit, you sit?" Don't know how it works...
Post by: ArmsOfLove on October 06, 2006, 07:26:53 PM
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well I start talking about gentle hands with my children when they are babies. I use the wording of the 5 Steps as soon as a baby reaches up and smacks me or grabs my hair while nursing. I take their hand in mine--gently but firmly--and say, "Gentle mommy. Gentle touches only." And then take their hand and stroke me gently while I'm stroking them gently. I also take their hand and gentle them (I remember when Joanne made "gentle" a verb )

I talk to my toddlers about it and have them "try again" with gentle hands. That is often part of making amends--a gentle touch replaces a harsh one.

I try to get into situations before someone hits or gets hurt so I don't end up doing this that often at all. My most aggressive child has been my 4yo (he is still working through his feelings over the trauma of the babies' births ) and I'm more likely to grab him into a bear hug and help him calm down than to you hit, you sit him--but I've done that when I need to tend to someone who is hurt. Maybe 2 or 3 times in a week Most weeks once, maybe. But I've worked with my children to use boundary setting language to tell him when he needs to stop what he's doing, when something hurts, when they don't want to play a certain way, etc. And they get me if he's *getting* aggressive so that I can help him calm down.

With reflecting feelings, I simply state what I observe. "you are angry. You didn't like . . . " "You are upset. I can see that you are feeling very tense." "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" is a book
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