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Old 10-01-2007, 01:20 AM   #21
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Default Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting

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Title: Hitting
Post by: MommaRhe on June 28, 2007, 10:28:12 AM
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I'd like to know how others handle their children hitting. This is a new one for us - our first didn't hit. Our little one has started a few months ago. (she was 2 in March)


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Title: Re: Hitting
Post by: Susan K on June 28, 2007, 11:34:40 AM
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My 3 year old ds was a hitter. I held his hands gently when he was trying to hit me. I would say that you are not allowed to hit mommy.
On the play ground I would stay near him to try to stop him from hitting others. If he did hit he would sit in my arms for a bit.
He has got much better.
Susan
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Title: Re: Hitting
Post by: OpalsMom on June 29, 2007, 11:31:19 AM
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If DD hits me (tries to hit me, hits at me, etc...) I say "Hitting hurts. I won't let you hurt me," and move to make that true. Then we discuss what she CAN do for whatever she's trying to do. If she hits somebody else, much the same thing. She needs to come away until she's ready to make amends (make it better, whether or not she says she's sorry) and she has to tell me what she's going to do instead of hitting next time. (At 2, I told her what she could do, and our notions of making amends were simpler.)

When she's not in the thick of it, we discuss options for what you do. If somebody does something you don't like, you say (or sign) "Stop! I don't like that!" and you move away if necessary, get adult help...

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Title: 19 month old hitting
Post by: rowansmom on July 27, 2007, 09:50:19 AM
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He usually isn't aggressive when we are home all by ourselves. He'll hit in play, but we always stop him and tell him to be gentle and he does.

But when we go outside to play, there arethree little boys and two little girls. all the boys are older than him by 1-2 yrs and one girl is his age and the other is a year. He will randomly at times just lightly smack the ones younger than him. without even looking at them sometimes, he'll be doing something else and if they are near his swinging arm they get hit.

the older boys, he hits all the time. mostly because I think he's trying to claim his domain??? but if he tries to play with them (and they are very possesive boys when it comes to their toys and their parents don't correct it) but when DS tries to play with them and they whine or tell him to leave or walk away from him, he'll hit them.

at the library the other day he would reandomly go up to kids and just hit them (all younger than he is) but the older kids he'll again try to play with them and because they don't understand him they ignore him and then he hits.

he talks, but not much and has his own language, (which the pedi is not concerned about) I have put him in time out, but he laughs at it. the only thing that seems to get the message across is to shut the sliding glass door while he watches all the kids play. (he loves being outside) but when we are say at the library, what do I do? how do I communicate to him to stop this?

I feel awful when he does this to otherkids and their parents make me feel like I'm not diceplineg him enough (not because I don't spank, they don't spank much if at all) but because I don't say no all the time. Instead i use re-direction and model good behaviors, like saying Be gentle and then show him how to be gentle, or tell him, "Htting is not nice, you made so and so cry, now give them a hug and say you are sorry" He gives hugs and kisses he loves to do that. I don't think he's a violent kid, I don't think he's dissobedient, but others parents call him a bully.

I'm frustrated with their parenting skills (one 3 yr whines about eveyrhting and anytime he cires it';s always the others kids fault and then he gets what he wants) but I don't want to look like an awful parent in front of them.

any suggestions to help me understand a little more as to why he's doing this? how to stop it? and maybe how to better communicate witht he kids and parents about his hitting?


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Title: Re: 19 month old hitting
Post by: ArmsOfLove on July 27, 2007, 04:47:37 PM
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it sounds like he's trying to set some boundaries and get some space. I'd work on teaching him signs or words for "need space"


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Title: Re: 19 month old hitting
Post by: joy on July 31, 2007, 07:23:33 PM
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Is he trying to figure out just how to "be" with them maybe - how to connect with them? My DS is just about the same age, and he is nervous around other kids to the point of avoiding them (he seems to get pushed down in the frolicking... I'm surprised that he hasn't started hitting too, I guess.) In order for my guy to feel comforable around other kids, I sometimes need to stay close by at the beginning and let him change his focus from me to the other kids at his own pace. Or I'll kind of invite one child to do what we are doing if one of them toddles over interested in whatever we have going on. From there I talk to them both and try to set a sweet tone. I just need to help keep it mellow initially. Maybe your DS is nervous like mine but is showing it in a different way?

I really hope the other parents aren't giving you bad vibes about it. A toddler hitting is pretty normal behavior - or at least this mom thinks so.


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Title: Re: 19 month old hitting
Post by: Littledisciples on July 31, 2007, 07:32:05 PM
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My toddler does the same thing. I re-direct I say gentle touches and gently stroke her arm to show her how to be nice. I think it is a normal behaviour at this age but frustrating too.


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Title: Re: 19 month old hitting
Post by: HomeWithMyBabies on July 31, 2007, 07:52:07 PM
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Sounds normal. I think some kids are still playing with cause and effect at this age, and working out where they end and other people start. I'd apologize to the other kid for your ds, and explain and demonstrate gentle touches with ds. Watch him very closely, there are often signs before the actual hit occurs and maybe you can step in before it happens.


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Title: Re: 19 month old hitting
Post by: rowansmom on August 01, 2007, 07:29:19 AM
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I don't think he's nervous. He loves kids. He'll beg to go outside when he sees them out there. BUt I think maybe it is more cause and effect. but he did start hitting me and my husband this week. We've tried talking to him, but I don't see any recognition in his face that he did something wrong.

I've stopped him from hitting many times, and we always go up to the kid he hits and I appologize for DS and then ask DS to give the kid a hug because he gave him a boo-boo, and it wasn't nice.

hopefully it's just a stage, but I really don't think, after watching him, thats it's out of violence, maybe frustration, but not malice

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Title: Re: 19 month old hitting
Post by: Joanne on August 02, 2007, 06:34:28 AM
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Quote:
I don't think he's nervous. He loves kids. He'll beg to go outside when he sees them out there.
It's likely both. He can easily be very excited about playing with the kids but too immature (appropriately, he's so little) to deal well with the excited energy in his body.

Quote:
feel awful when he does this to otherkids and their parents make me feel like I'm not diceplineg him enough (not because I don't spank, they don't spank much if at all) but because I don't say no all the time. Instead i use re-direction and model good behaviors, like saying Be gentle and then show him how to be gentle, or tell him, "Htting is not nice, you made so and so cry, now give them a hug and say you are sorry" He gives hugs and kisses he loves to do that. I don't think he's a violent kid, I don't think he's dissobedient, but others parents call him a bully.
The people around call a toddler a bully? I'd stop that *immediately*. I would, however, drop the "hitting is not nice" and even making him give a hug (which is an uninvited physical interaction). "Nice" is a vague concept to very young children. I'd shorten it and act more quickly: "No hitting. Hitting hurts". Move him away or temporarily have him removed from play.

Quote:
I'm frustrated with their parenting skills (one 3 yr whines about eveyrhting and anytime he cires it';s always the others kids fault and then he gets what he wants) but I don't want to look like an awful parent in front of them.
Stop worrying about how you look as a parent. It's a heavy burden to carry.

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Title: 3 yo swatting/hitting at people
Post by: lovinmama on May 16, 2007, 09:34:13 AM
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Ds is apparently swatting or hitting at people and my family is complaining. Well, when they play with him rough he really gets into it, so what do you expect? Of course he's going to get more aggressive. And the other part is when he's not ready to interact with people he kind of swats them away. I've been saying "let's be gentle," but I think that he's trying to set some sort of boundary at that time. Like, "I'm not ready to visit with you right now, give me my space." I want ds to be able to set boundaries for himself in a healthy way..........so any ideas?

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Title: Re: 3 yo swatting/hitting at people
Post by: lksparks00 on May 16, 2007, 10:02:08 AM
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can you give him some words to use instead of the swatting? I try to use the words "respect my boundaries" and "I'm not ready now" for dd in place of swatting/hitting. I'm sure others will have much better scripts, but I"m just getting started with this stuff.

And I've always found it sooo frustrating when an adult plays rough with a child, and the child ends up hitting someone or breaking something, and it's the child who gets in trouble. Hello! The adult started it and shoulda' noticed when the little one was approaching an outa' control state. I usually tell the adult not to instigate

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Title: Re: 3 yo swatting/hitting at people
Post by: lovinmama on May 16, 2007, 03:03:02 PM
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Thanks Laura, it is soooo frustrating when the adults can't even stay in control with the child!! But I'll to be more creative and give him some words to use...

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Title: Re: 3 yo swatting/hitting at people
Post by: canadiyank on May 17, 2007, 08:12:23 PM
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Yep, determining the reason behind the hitting is sooo helpful. Still not acceptable, but there's a difference in how you'd help a kid who was hitting b/c he needs space, vs. angry, vs. excited, etc.

I would say, "Stop! Owie. Say, 'Stop, I'm done.'" or something appropriate. Practice at a neutral time. Of course, the other kid may not always co-operate, but you are giving him real tools. Then address what to do if the kid *doesn't* stop. Stand near mommy? Move your body away? etc. Something that's acceptable to you and he can remember. And then practice that, too.

HTH!

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Title: Re: 3 yo swatting/hitting at people
Post by: Amber on May 18, 2007, 02:23:25 PM
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I have been teaching Cole to say "Stop, I don't like that!" in those situations where people aren't respecting his boundries. Of course he has yet to say it and usually just whines for me, but we are working on it. I also use the same phrase when he is getting too rough when playing with me (or Kyle) in hopes that he will learn that everybody has boundries that need to be respected.

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Title: Re: 3 yo swatting/hitting at people
Post by: Joanne on May 21, 2007, 08:16:59 PM
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Quote:
Ds is apparently swatting or hitting at people and my family is complaining. Well, when they play with him rough he really gets into it, so what do you expect? Of course he's going to get more aggressive.
I have 2 seemingly contradictory responses to that. The first is that I found reserving rough play for one select male (Dad is best!) teaches children, especially boys, how to be a boy but have physical boundaries. Discourage/disallow wrestling/physical play from others.

The seemingly contradictory response is to make sure that the rough play really *is* a contributing factor or a problem. It's common enough for moms to be "too" wary of physical play. Children need it; especially boys.

Quote:
And the other part is when he's not ready to interact with people he kind of swats them away. I've been saying "let's be gentle," but I think that he's trying to set some sort of boundary at that time. Like, "I'm not ready to visit with you right now, give me my space." I want ds to be able to set boundaries for himself in a healthy way..........so any ideas?
You have given your own answer. As suggested by the others, speaking the words for him "I'm not ready to visit with you right now, give me my space." That's perfect.


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Title: Re: 3 yo swatting/hitting at people
Post by: chelsea on May 23, 2007, 08:46:41 PM
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Ds used to scream (very, very loudly) to let people know he needed his space (too many strangers touching his hair or relatives just teasing him, etc.) I told him (sometimes over and over) that we don't scream at people, but if someone was doing something he didn't want them to, he should say "No thank-you!" to them. The only problem came in where people didn't respect his "No thank-you" and that's where I would step in and loudly say (looking at ds but spoken in the direction of the person not respecting his boundaries ) "GOOD JOB! WE SAY NO THANK-YOU WHEN WE WANT SOMEONE TO STOP, DON'T WE?!!" People always get the hint after that.
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