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Old 10-01-2007, 01:41 AM   #22
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Default Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting

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Title: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping
Post by: gracieannsmom on June 08, 2007, 02:29:20 PM
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I have told her that it is not okay to hit, it is not okay to kick...she needs to use her words, etc. We have gone over this again and again and again. So my neighbor picks up my dd and her dd from preschool today and told me that while they were at a stop sign, my dd punched her dd in the face.
I am so embarassed and absolutely at wits end with dd. I took her up to her room and sat down with her and explained (once again) why we do not hit or punch or kick. I asked her why she did it, she said she didn't know. I asked if her friend said something that made her mad, she said no. So now I feel that this has gone far enough...hitting is one thing but taking a punch at someone is a different story. I feel like a punishment needs to take place. What should I do??? I have her in her room right now until dh comes home and we can talk about what happned again.

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Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping
Post by: J3K on June 08, 2007, 02:32:52 PM
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How old is she ? Nearly four according your siggie , right ?

I think part of it is age , part of it may be diet , and even another part , just not knowing what to do with big feelings.

Maybe Crystal will pop up and share some advice.

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Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping
Post by: gracieannsmom on June 08, 2007, 02:35:09 PM
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Yeah, she's almost 4. I hope Crystal comes on too because this has gone far enough. Whether age appropriate or not, I feel that some sort of consequence needs to take place. She has to understand that the behavior is unacceptable.

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Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping
Post by: J3K on June 08, 2007, 02:46:01 PM
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Does she get enough physical activity ? Maybe if she had a focus ? I'm sorry I'm not much help.

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Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping
Post by: Natalie on June 08, 2007, 02:49:24 PM
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I'm subbing in, because Samantha is slapping, cheerfully, and I cannot figure out how to stop her. She slapped a good friend across the face so hard it left a mark, and then later in the day slapped a child in a doc's waiting room, when the child wouldn't let go of a toy. He thought they were playing tug o' war.

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Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping
Post by: joyful mama on June 08, 2007, 02:53:51 PM
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i have a hitter, too. Its no fun.

We do 'you hit you sit' every.single.time.

we have her make ammends (usually its a hug, and an offering of a toy...), apologize (when she's ready). We've left places if she's warned once and it continues. We also focus on diet and avoid hfcs and refined sugars...

really, I think its a phase thats annoying, frustrating and embarassing. dd was also a biter and outgrew that. Its extremely rare for her to bite now.



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Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping
Post by: Natalie on June 08, 2007, 03:43:26 PM
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Could you go into more detail as to what "You hit, you sit" looks like?

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Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping
Post by: teamommy on June 08, 2007, 04:02:15 PM
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My 5 yo was a hitter. From about 2.5, to about 4.5. The worst was 3.5-4, then it slowed down a lot. Then it was screaming and throwing (but not at people). Now we are just at the unpleasant verbal response stage By that I mean that these thing have been his primary way of responding to frustration, and we work on teaching him better ways to express himself. I felt like a broken record for a few years. It just takes a long, LONG time for it to sink in for some children, I suppose.

He hit another child only twice (otherwise it was within the immediate family), and when that happened I encouraged him to apologize right away; when he didn't I apologized for him but later I explained about showing remorse and apologizing, and also Crystal's idea of making amends and on his own he came up with the idea of drawing a picture to give to the dc to say sorry, and he did that and we stopped by later to apologize.

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Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping
Post by: euromom on June 08, 2007, 04:34:00 PM
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subbing in also as I also have a hitter. One thing that's helped somewhat is we got him a boardbook titled "Hands are Not for Hitting" He's a bit younger though and I think the book is more for toddlers (Natalie maybe your dd would like it? I think from your siggie she is about ds's age?) When he hits I have him sit and ask him "What are hands used for" he first replies "Not for hitting!" and then I ask him again what hands are used for and we go through some of the things from the book "hugging, helping, eating and drinking, playing and building" etc... He does still hit a lot. Just hoping this will sink in one day as we repeat over and over what hands are suppose to be used for.

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Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping
Post by: Natalie on June 08, 2007, 04:41:48 PM
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We have that book. It makes no sense to Samantha. :/

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Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping
Post by: euromom on June 08, 2007, 04:44:15 PM
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Maybe when she is a few months older Ds is just a month or 2 older and we just got it for him a few weeks ago.

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Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping
Post by: gentle_answer on June 08, 2007, 07:59:07 PM
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My DD is a hitter, pincher, pusher, etc. She has been since her newborn fingers could find my neck or arms.
I've noticed it's worse when she has to pee. Sending her to the bathroom works wonders.

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Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping
Post by: ArmsOfLove on June 08, 2007, 08:12:33 PM
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I really do understand how frustrating this is

The thing is . . . she is not developmentally able to understand the consequences of her actions--that requires logic and that isn't going to kick in at a pre-level until around 8. Which means, she does not *get* that when she hits it's going to hurt someone. She just knows that feelings build up in her and explode out her fist. The only way to get this to stop is to supervise supervise supervise and to learn the signs that she's about to explode. Prevent it where possible. If she needs space then make sure that she isn't spending a lot of time with people in her space or they are likely to get hit. If she needs to eat to keep her blood sugar regulated make sure that she is eating regularly or someone is going to be punched. If she is hyperfocusing and not aware of when she needs to pee, or ignoring the cues her body is giving her until she has antsy rage building up in her body, then make sure she goes pee regularly (and don't ask if you see the signs because she'll likely say 'no' as she doesn't believe she *needs to* pee ). If she has food sensitivities then make sure she gets NO exposure to those foods or she will not be able to control herself and then talking with her about it will be like trying to convince an addict not to do what they do when they are drunk.

A punishment simply isn't going to *teach* her anything. Punishments are about making the child suffer and feel bad so they won't do what they did again--but people who feel bad act bad so a punishment is counter productive for inducing better behavior.

For a child this age who is hitting I'd do lots of things--even in addition to what I put above. I'd have her outside as much as possible and doing things to get her big muscles compressed. I'd be doing deep massage--especially in her hands. I'd have her doing kinesthetic play with play doh, shaving cream, clay, or other things that get her hands busy (kneading dough is great ). I'd have her doing lots of water play if she calms in the water. I'd work with her on using her words and offer her scripts for the things that set her off. "I need space" "I want to be alone" "I don't like that" "Stop" and when I'm around I'd enforce her boundary very quickly. I'd talk with her about what she can do if you aren't there and something happens---get another adult in charge, move away if she can, etc. I'd teach her to hit something like a pillow--with children this intensely into hitting I say "Hit pillows, not people!" and give them a pillow to hit. I'd get her something like a worry stone to keep in her pocket so that she can use her hands and rub them to get tension out. I'd have her moving moving moving. If the drive home from school is hard I'd have her go to the bathroom before heading to the car and do 10 jumping jacks before getting in, and have a worry stone to rub so that she can keep her hands busy, and make sure she's armed with a script of what to say to the other mother if she needs help.

hth

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Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping
Post by: nurse_reedle on June 08, 2007, 09:55:52 PM
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Hitting is such a problem here that we have inacted the "You hit, you sit" thing. There is no required time and it puts instant distance between the hittee and the hitter. Isaac is two and not very verbal yet, so this captures his attention and gives him a place to regain his focus. Then we cuddle as soon as he is ready....usually after 2 seconds. I am encouraging kisses or sorry for making amends at this point. So far, he will only make amends with me and no one else. If her hurts someone else, he still want to make amends with me LOL. So far, this is working the best.

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Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping
Post by: ArmsOfLove on June 08, 2007, 11:12:01 PM
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I'm not really hearing anyone using "You Hit, You Sit" as a replacement for time out, but I wanted to make sure and talk about this a bit since a few people have mentioned it

The point of "You Hit, You Sit" is to remove the hitter from the hittee and put a distance between them. This does a few things--it allows you to check on the child who was hit and make sure they are okay and gives the hitter a chance to calm down and collect themselves. It puts an abrupt stop to the hitting and the situation that led to it. The thing to remember is that children who hit are provoked. We may not understand what provoked them, or think that hitting was justified, but in their minds they were provoked. I try to make sure that one thing I do in the process is ask them what provoked them and address better ways to respond as well as teach the other child a better way to communicate their point. Often it was someone in their space, or someone grabbing a toy, or saying something that hurt their feelings. These are problems that need to be addressed also

The child who hit does need to make amends, but often the child who was hit needs to make amends first. If they provoked then they wronged the hitter also. Separating the children gives me a chance to get both of their stories and try to find the reconciliation approach that will be best for all involved.

If the child is too young to make amends or tell me their story then I may still do this if it's chronic or if I need to make sure the child who was hit is okay. But I'd get them as soon as I can and make sure they are okay also. the interesting thing about young children who hit is that they really don't understand that their action hurt the other person--and if they realize they have hurt someone they usually feel terrible about it. I once watched a 3yo barrel across a room and slam into their friend. The child fell over and began crying and the child who had hit into them burst into tears and was terrified because their friend was hurt. Lacking logic he really didn't anticipate that happening and didn't realize he had caused it

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Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping
Post by: nurse_reedle on June 08, 2007, 11:26:20 PM
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We do it because he is hitting US and he won't stop without distance. It gives him a second to collect himself and then we can move on. I don't know how to address his "issues" though since he is so little and they involve not getting what he wants LOL

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Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping
Post by: ArmsOfLove on June 08, 2007, 11:51:57 PM
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what you're doing is fine You could also put him into a very comfortable bear hug pulled into you and talk calmly into his ear about reflecting feelings and setting boundaries "You may not hit me" and my children especially appreciate me saying " I am bigger than your big feelings. I can keep you safe and keep you from hurting me"

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Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping
Post by: nurse_reedle on June 08, 2007, 11:58:53 PM
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He loves being hugged, EXCEPT during crisis....then he freaks out really badly and starts thrashing around. I value my face a little bit LOL So we just hug afterwards. Is this all we need to do at this age? We can't make him understand why he can't have something, but we do explain the best we can.

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Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping
Post by: ArmsOfLove on June 09, 2007, 12:05:00 AM
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I would explain and then stop explaining. Sometimes at this age children perceive us continuing to explain as trying to convince them to change their feelings and they can resist that. They also believe that we have power so if we really wanted to we could So I try to state the answer and the reason and then reflect their feelings about it.

Mostly, though, it's about giving him time to mature

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Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping
Post by: Allison on June 09, 2007, 05:15:41 AM
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My 3 year old is a hitter, too, when he's upset. He has to be provoked, usually by his older brother, but he will punch hard if his is. When he's upset with dh or me, he will smack us sometimes. I see it as being so upset but not knowing what do with the feelings and not remembering to use words.

My oldest went through the hitting stage like most kids, but giving him a pillow to hit instead and teaching him how to express his feelings helped. By 3-3.5 he didn't hit anymore. Even now, when his little brother hits him, he never hits back. Its like the urge to hit is just not present in him.

I have a feeling that urge will always be present with my 3 yr old. My oldest has the urge to scream, yell and slam doors instead. LOL

You hit, you sit is good but I have trouble being consistent with it. :-\

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Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping
Post by: Novella on June 09, 2007, 05:29:23 AM
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Thank you so much for this information, Crystal My DS is a hitter to me and DH. I started just yesterday giving him the "you hit, you sit" and it worked. Within 30 seconds, he came to me and said "i'm sorry mommy" I really appreciate the words you have offered here. I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

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Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping
Post by: MarynMunchkins on June 09, 2007, 05:39:31 AM
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So you think once Bug turns 8, the logic will kick in and he'll stop hitting?



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Title: Re: Dd's hitting is NOT stopping
Post by: Natalie on June 09, 2007, 06:20:45 AM
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We started you hit, you sit yesterday. My kids are both so just toddlers. I swept Samantha up last night, after she slapped Simon, sat her in the chair, and told her, "If you hit, you have to sit." Before she can start expressing her displeasure with this idea, before I can turn around to go get the crying Simon, he is elbowing his way between me and Samantha so hard that he nearly knocked me over. He gave me the oddest look, apparently not at all happy that I had stolen his sister away from him.

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