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Old 06-11-2009, 05:04 AM   #25
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Default Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting

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Title: She's hurting us!
Post by: TuneMyHeart on May 03, 2007, 02:45:03 PM
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Ellie is beating us up. Even the poor dog and cat are getting abused. I'm assuming this is normal for a 14 month old, and I've been showing her how to gently touch us and the animals. For a while, when I said "Be gentle," she would softly rub me. But lately she's just throwing herself onto us, pulling hair (especially when she's on my back), smacking and kicking us while playing... Yesterday, she was so mad when I tried to put her in her carseat, so I stopped and let her nurse. She bit me! Today, she pulled the cat's hair and without even thinking, I smacked her hand. I honestly can't believe I did that. What else can I do?

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Title: Re: She's hurting us!
Post by: OpalsMom on May 03, 2007, 02:55:55 PM
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The trick is to show her other ways to do what she wants to do. If she wants to roughhouse, being gentle may not be enough; if she's mad, it's unlikely to be satisfying. So she needs a way to be wild without hurting you, and a way to be mad without hurting you. Foot stomping and hitting the carseat worked for us at that age as ways to be mad.

As for the cat and the dog, they don't understand roughhousing, so it's pretty much "You need to be gentle with the animals or not be near them. It's not safe."

As for biting when nursing, that's how DD taught me that comfort nursing was not her idea of a solution for anger. (She was younger than your DD then). How do I know that punitive discipline is not immediately effective? She had to bite me 4 times before I got it, and if biting a nipple isn't punitive, I don't know what is! Anyway, unless you have good reason to believe it usually works, I'd drop the comfort nursing for anger.

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Title: Re: She's hurting us!
Post by: TuneMyHeart on May 03, 2007, 04:26:38 PM
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Thank you so much, that makes sense. I didn't realize the comfort nursing while angry wasn't working. I'm so used to nursing her when she's upset. She's bit me a few times lately and it's always when she's comfort nursing. She's a huge comfort nurser.

I really have to pay attention to her when we're playing or I just about lose an eye. Today she hit my nose so hard that I thought for sure it was bleeding. She's just playing and being silly though. Does a 14 month old have complete control over their body?

Any ideas on how to teach her not to pull my hair while on my back? It's getting frustrating. I can give her a toy or something to hold, but it isn't long until she throws it down.

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Title: Re: She's hurting us!
Post by: abbzchld on May 03, 2007, 04:30:31 PM
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My 16 month is into head butting and bloodied my nose tonight.

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Title: Re: She's hurting us!
Post by: BornFreeBaby on May 03, 2007, 09:27:45 PM
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It doesn't seem to me that my almost 14 month old has an impulse control. The hitting seems to be an expression of her excitement or her way of trying to get her energy out. I don't think that she can really control it at this age, like her super he-man strength grip- she just grabs my arm (or other nipple not in use) and yow! she can really squeeze the heck out of us. What I realize having the older one, is that this is a stage and it will pass- its very very normal. I just try to tell her what to do and show her how- then change whatever we were doing to another activity. Sometimes the hitting can also be an expression of her frustration with me or the situation and she doesn't know how to verbalize it.

It will pass!

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Title: Re: She's hurting us!
Post by: mamaKristin on May 04, 2007, 01:34:59 PM
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A lot of times, little ones get frustrated by their lack of words to express themselves, so they use their bodies (hands, arms, legs and teeth) to do what their words cannot. Doesn't mean it's ok, but that it's not abnormal either.

Does she show a pattern as to what sets her off? Is she frustrated? Tired? Hungry?

I know when my kids were at that age, they would often be more physically expressive, and I had to tighten up my personal boundaries to keep myself safe, and from reacting badly in return. A hit was generally met with a "you may not hurt mommy", while moving out of range. Physical hurting would stop our games or play temporarily to show that the behavior was unacceptable. Not in a mean way, but just a "you hit mom, mom stops the game" kind of way.

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Title: Hit me with ideas, ladies - 18 mos. and, well, hitting...
Post by: canadiyank on June 25, 2006, 04:37:12 PM
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Ok, dd2 is almost 19 mos. and starting the hitting stage...I need a refresher course on what to do! Mostly it's directed at dd1 for no discernable reason; dd1 then falls apart, screaming and crying (which I tend to see as overreacting), which exacerbates the problem. We've taught dd1 to say, "Stop, that hurts! Gentle, gentle." And usually dd2 pats her or hugs her, making amends. But I just can't figure out why she's hitting, other than she's 18 mos.

Oh! She *just* did it. Apparently dd1 was in her path. I did the "sympathize with the victim, correct the aggressor thing" and it seemed to work. I forget - is this just one of these things she'll outgrow and I keep up with the constant reminders? LOL! I haven't dealt with this in years!

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Title: Re: Hit me with ideas, ladies - 18 mos. and, well, hitting...
Post by: hsgbdmama on June 25, 2006, 05:27:58 PM
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Set expectations, set expectations, set expectations and repeat them often.

For example, I had an issue with ds1 when going to the library -- he'd haul off and hit another kid if they took something away from him.

So what I did (and this requires absolute consistency from me as the parent) was to set the expectation(s) and the consequence(s) and repeat them often; so using my example:

Once or twice before we got in the car to go to the library, I would tell him that he is not to hit anyone and to play nicely, otherwise we would leave.
Stated the expectation in the car on the way there.
Stated the expectation once more when we parked.

Then follow through. Ds1 got one warning and if he did it again, I followed up with the action of leaving -- yes, we left with him hollering. Yes, I had to physically pick him up and carry him out, with him hollering. But with consistency, he knew I meant business and he started abiding by the rules.

There were times when I was not consistent, and I definitely saw the difference. :/ So to help set him up for success, I made sure I was being consistent.

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Title: Re: Hit me with ideas, ladies - 18 mos. and, well, hitting...
Post by: hink4687 on June 26, 2006, 08:31:45 AM
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Jodi-
At what age do you think they really start understanding this though? My DS is almost 16 months and we're having hitting problems too (and pinching, biting, etc). I've been pulling him away from the situation and holding him on my lap while I tell him not to hit people, we touch softly and showing him how. He sometimes seems to get it because he'll go back and touch real softly and other times he just goes back and hits again. But my deal with leaving is I really don't think he'd care at all, so I don't feel like it would really make a difference because he never seems to mind change in scenery. And I know this may be a dumb question but at this age can he truly understand if I tell him in advance. I usually do tell him everything regardless if he understands or not because I know at some point he will but isn't he still a bit young? I'm obviously a FTM here!

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Title: Re: Hit me with ideas, ladies - 18 mos. and, well, hitting...
Post by: canadiyank on June 26, 2006, 09:19:07 AM
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It's ok if he doesn't mind a change in scenery...it's not supposed to be punishment, but a way to alleviate the situation, if that makes sense. I do talk to her, telling her things in advance, not sure if she completely understands, but it's good training for me. She does say, "Yeah" in response.

I'm remembering Joanne said to find the reason behind the behaviour and address that...I think in our case it's frustration, so I'm trying to think of things that can address that...

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Title: Re: Hit me with ideas, ladies - 18 mos. and, well, hitting...
Post by: OpalsMom on June 26, 2006, 10:22:51 AM
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With my DD, "Don't hit" (however you phrase it, including "be gentle", "soft touch", etc. etc. etc.) never worked. I suppose sheer repetition might have succeeded eventually. What did work was to figure out what her goal was, and offer her an acceptable way to that goal. Something angry to do when she was angry; a vigorous way to ask to play when she wanted to play; words when she's frustrated... When we couldn't figure out what her goal was, we tried suggesting things (usually active, vigorous things) either on wild guesses at her goal or just pure "something else physical you could do". Usually we got a kind of hot-and-cold calibration out of that (like if you suggest an angry dance and she give you the "what drugs are YOU on" look, that probably wasn't the right answer...)

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Title: How to GD a 16month old.........
Post by: purplerose on January 09, 2007, 01:03:03 PM
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who hits, bites and throws toys all the time at me. He only does it to me. It's when he is mad and/or frustrated. And he chucks toys HARD!!! He will hit me, bite me and has even thrown himself on the floor and bang his head. I've tried to gently, but firmly tell him "NO. Hands are not for hitting", etc. But he just gets madder and does it more. So then I whip out the boobie and let him nurse for a minute and then he's fine. He's starting to do it to the other kiddos and I don't like it. HELP!!!

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Title: Re: How to GD a 16month old.........
Post by: ArmsOfLove on January 09, 2007, 01:09:02 PM
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how verbal is he? what have you done to focus on teaching him how to communicate and get his needs met?

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Title: Re: How to GD a 16month old.........
Post by: gentlemommy on January 10, 2007, 11:39:44 PM
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When dd hits or bites, it's hard for her to just stop that behavior. So I sometimes redirect it. "No you may not bite mommy. That's owie for mommy. If you need to bite, you may bite this book." I was worried it might be confusing for her but she recently started to bite me, shook her head, and then grabbed one of her board books to bite down on.

Also...are you doing sign language? That helps dd communicate and cuts down on her frustration levels.

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Title: Re: How to GD a 16month old.........
Post by: canadiyank on January 11, 2007, 11:51:26 AM
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For biting, could he be teething?

For hitting, I stop, redirect, and try to address the behaviour behind the hitting. "Stop hitting, owie...let's high five!" And then try to determine the cause behind it, "Wow, you're angry! Let's jump up and down to get the angries out."

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Title: Re: How to GD a 16month old.........
Post by: purplerose on January 15, 2007, 12:53:29 PM
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Thanks for the replies everyone. Sorry it's taken me so long to get back. I've tried to ask my baby what he wnats when he gtes like this " Do you want nursies" Do you want juice? Eat? ETC. No, I don't use sign language with him. When he does bit or hit, I will say "No. Hands are not for hitting. If you want to hit, hit this pillow". I will tell him "Biting and hitting hurts mommy". He will only do it to me. It's getting better, now that I'm trying to understand what he's trying to tell me! It's frustrating with a 16 month old who can't really verbally commyunicate.

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Title: Re: How to GD a 16month old.........
Post by: canadiyank on January 15, 2007, 01:59:19 PM
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Just a small note, I read once that small repetitive movements (like hitting a pillow) actually build stress, whereas large body movements (jumping, dancing, running, etc.) relieve stress, so I have found it helps to suggest the large body mvt's instead of hitting (I understand what you're saying - this is better to hit than mommy ) but actually to help calm him and learn how to self-calm large body mvt's are more helpful.

Glad things are going better - it really does help when you realize they're trying to communicate something.
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