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Old 03-05-2018, 10:11 AM   #5
charla
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 16,637
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Default Re: Help with GBD with older children and large family.

Switching paradigms from punitive to grace-based parenting was so very difficult for me. I kept reading and posting here and practicing the things I was learning and, like a previous poster said, it finally clicked. It can be a long road, but just like we allow our kids baby steps, we can allow ourselves those baby steps. Grace is for mamas, too. You don't have to have it all figured out today. I've been on this journey a long time, and goodness knows, I'm still learning new ways of parenting.

I will list a few things that really helped me and my children in case you find it helpful in your family:

Scripting and do overs - If they were fighting or whining, I might give them a script and have them try again. If they are fighting over a toy, I might say something along the lines, "Let's try that again asking with kinder words." If they still aren't sure what to say, I might give them a script like, "May I have a turn with that toy?"

Problem solve - Or in the above example, I might have them problem solve (brainstorming can be fun and silly because anything goes) and come up with ideas with how they might share the toy. Maybe child one has it for ten minutes and child two the second ten minutes or they come up with a version of play where they can play with it together.

Reflecting emotions - Oh my, this one is hard for me, but most often if I can reflect back what a child is feeling, it usually diffuses the situation.

Forgiveness - I was a yeller, too. It made me so upset with myself. The best thing I did to repair my relationship with my children was to apologize to them each and every time I yelled at them. And it blessed my heart how forgiving children can be, and truly made me want to try better. I would also use the do over on myself, too. I might say, "Mom, needs a do over; let me try that again with a kinder tone of voice." In that way, I was modeling what I wanted from them. Modeling is definitely a powerful teaching tool.

Actively engaging - the other thing that helped yelling was to get up and actually go to my child when I was talking with them or trying to get a point across. Touching them on the shoulder, getting their attention, looking eye to eye, and being in close proximity, really helped me not to need to yell.

So glad you here! You'll get this, mama. Keep practicing and asking questions. What a blessing you are to your children.
__________________
CHARLA
Married to Nick, 31 yrs
Mom to Nathan and his wife Abby,
and Hope Elizabeth, dancing for eternity
with babies: Micah Noel, Grace Anna, Andrew David



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The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to charla For This Useful Post:
Findingjoy (03-12-2018), homesteadmama (03-08-2018), kiloyd (03-25-2018), MaybeGracie (03-05-2018), The Tickle Momster (03-05-2018), TraceMama (03-06-2018), twoplustwo (03-25-2018), Virginia (04-27-2018)
 
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