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Old 07-06-2007, 12:51 AM   #18
GCM_Sticky
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Default Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting

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Title: Hitting at mom/dad
Post by: LittleSweetPeas on March 08, 2007, 03:56:01 PM
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I dont think this quite falls under you hit you sit.

DD is almost 4 and will when feeling frustrated hit at us. Usually she slaps at our leg while she's saying "I dont want to do that" or "You go put it away!" Its generally a hit followed by a command from her for us to do the exact thing we asked her to do.

her little sister is picking up on this now and will hit at us when we change her diaper or redirect or take something away from her.

I generally take her hand and firmly tell her "You are not to hit people. We do not hit in our family. Hitting hurts." and put her hand down and then we work on doing whatever action together. This doesnt always solve it and it keeps coming up. I'm just curious if there is something better that works for this frustration experience.

hitting sister or friends gets a definite you hit/you sit.


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Title: Re: Hitting at mom/dad
Post by: GotMyHeartFull on March 08, 2007, 04:06:28 PM
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I do 'you hit, you sit' with this as well. They sit when they hit a sibling, so why would it be different if they are hitting a parent?


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Title: Re: Hitting at mom/dad
Post by: Teribear on March 08, 2007, 04:06:54 PM
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Drop the we don't hit in our family, because clearly right now she does.

Try "I see that you are very angry. You may not hit. Hitting hurts." or "I hear that you would rather not do X. You may say ________________ but you may not hit. Hitting hurts."

Fill in the blank with whatever would be an acceptable expression of frustration.

She may be reacting to transitions. Some kids who are slow to transition need a bit more warning than just being told "Do x" if that is the case you might be able to say, "You need to wrap up what you're doing, its time to do X" and use the language of the 5 steps. It's stickied around here somewhere.


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Title: Re: Hitting at mom/dad
Post by: LittleSweetPeas on March 08, 2007, 04:11:41 PM
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I suppose I see the difference in that hitting her sister is generally out of anger or selfishness (I WANT IT!) and hitting me is because she is feeling a frustration that she's struggling to express in words.

I always give her a good transition time. She's just discovered this is pretty effective, especially in riling up Dad.




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Title: Re: Hitting at mom/dad
Post by: Teribear on March 08, 2007, 04:32:42 PM
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Quote
hitting me is because she is feeling a frustration that she's struggling to express in words
.

Exactly. So reflect feelings and give her the words you want her to use instead of hitting.


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Title: Re: Hitting at mom/dad
Post by: OpalsMom on March 08, 2007, 04:37:06 PM
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"You're angry. Hitting hurts. I won't let you hurt me. Find another way to be angry. You can..."
Which, in our house, is rapidly followed by "That's too close to me. If you're going to wave your arms around, take them further away from me."
She likes to hit *at* me without hitting me.

The trick of course is then not letting her hurt me (or wave her arms RIGHT next to me). Sometimes I separate us. Sometimes DH steps in. Sometimes I hold her where she can't hit. It depends on the situation.


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Title: Re: Hitting at mom/dad
Post by: ArmsOfLove on March 08, 2007, 07:32:52 PM
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two additional ideas: hug her when she's frustrated--help her feel safe; take her to the bathroom Honestly, my 4yo always had to go when he got like this.


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Title: Re: Hitting at mom/dad
Post by: hey mommy on March 08, 2007, 08:46:29 PM
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I tell C "I know you are frustrated(mad, sad, whatever), but hitting will NOT help. Use your words(another phrase I use A LOT)" if he continues, I hold his arms and tell him "I will not let you hurt me". And then if needed "Hands are for loving, not hitting. Do you need a hug?", which is usually followed by a sad 'yes..."


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Title: Re: Hitting at mom/dad
Post by: LittleSweetPeas on March 09, 2007, 03:15:42 PM
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Quote from: ArmsOfLove on March 08, 2007, 07:32:52 PM
two additional ideas: hug her when she's frustrated--help her feel safe; take her to the bathroom Honestly, my 4yo always had to go when he got like this.


Now that is interesting! DD struggles with chronic constipation and witholding and I have never thought about it but often when she is having behavior issues it is because she needs to pee or poop. Hmmmm....


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Title: Re: Hitting at mom/dad
Post by: canadiyank on March 09, 2007, 04:39:45 PM
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Your boundaries you've set are you...now to address the issues behind the hitting. If she's frustrated then she needs new ways (besides hitting) to express those and deal with the emotions surrounding them. You might find this (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.co...topic=102617.0) discussion helpful, especially as we get into the chapters that teach new and alternative ideas for them to deal with the emotions.



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Title: so what DO I do when he hits? just a few questions.
Post by: poleidopy on March 08, 2006, 03:11:39 PM
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I was at my friend's house the other day and my DS (20 mo) kept hitting her DD (26mo.) When he would hit, I would say "No hitting! Hitting hurts!" and offer him a toy or move him across the room or to my lap. But it kept happening - not necessarily immediately, but often. What do I do? My friend told me to spank him or put him in time out (that's her method) and is appalled at my "permissiveness" Also, he has been very sick for a week & a half, so he is naturally more..."moody" shall we say, and quicker to tantrum. So he was also getting into her cabinet, which is unsafe. I told him to close it and get out twice. When he didn't, I got him and moved him to another area, nearby us, with toys. (The rest of us were eating dinner) He was upset and threw a big toy across the room, toward people. I picked him up, help him on my lap and talked in his ear telling him he was out of control and I was going to hold him for awhile. He eventually calmed down and I put him down and it was a few more minutes until the nest tired/frustrated tantrum. So my friend was SO excited that I was "disciplining" him, because she thinks I am so permissive and never do anything about his defiance. She was so happy that I "gave him a time-out on my lap for throwing the toy- a directly defiant action." Uh, ok. (That scares me -this friend is SO incredibly punitive, to have HER say I did a good job disciplining scares me that I might have done something un-GBD! ) He also got some bear hug/lap time when I picked him up from a 'situation" and he hit me. She thought it was intentional - I knew it was him being sick and tired and flailing about. Even if it WAS intentional, is it OK for me to have him restrained in my lap? Is that "discipline" enough? I don't see how I can be expected to hit him for anything, much less being sick and tired and acting out, but what CAN I do?

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Title: Re: so what DO I do when he hits? just a few questions.
Post by: SingingPraise on March 08, 2006, 03:28:39 PM
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We do three things. DS is now 2 1/2 and has really had hitting issues.

First thing is "Use gentle hands" and then I show him physically how to do that - we stroke the other childs head or cheek, pat gently on the back etc. We do this with animals/pets as well. "gentle hands" has become a mantra around here. I find it works better then "no hitting" cuz I feel like all he hears is "hitting".

Second thing is "you hit you sit".
I will move to a quiet corner of the room and sit with him in my lap and repeat "we use gentle hands. If you hit, you sit".
If we're at home, we go to the comfort corner (which in essence is a self time out) and sit until we are ready to come out and use "gentle hands" with our friends.

He is now old enough to say "sorry" so he is requested to do that when he hits as well.

When I've been with friends and he hits we go thru the three steps.
1. I show him gentle hands and how that looks while saying it. I kiss the other child, stroke their hair etc saying "gentle hands and kisses to our friends"
2. Remove him from the other child to a nother part of the room and reiterate "gentle hands on our friends" and if you hit, you sit. lets sit til you can be gentle
3. Have him say he's sorry when he's ready

If the hitting continues, we leave and I reiterate "we use gentle hands. If you can't use gentle hands we need to go home and not play anymore" . Its not permissive. Its firm. But its gentle as well.

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Title: Re: so what DO I do when he hits? just a few questions.
Post by: rdkkks on March 08, 2006, 03:34:56 PM
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kalli (17.5 mos) has been hitting quite a bit lately too...It used to be enough to show her to be gentle, and she would say "gentle" and be gentle to me or whoever she'd hit. now, she'll rub be gently once, then wind up and hit again. Sometimes I hold her on my lap (bear hug), but if she keeps trying to hit, I'll put her down and move away from her and say that if she can't be nice to mommy, she can't be with me right then. It's still a big battle, I'm not sure exactly what to do either.


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Title: Re: so what DO I do when he hits? just a few questions.
Post by: poleidopy on March 08, 2006, 03:46:44 PM
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Quote:
When I've been with friends and he hits we go thru the three steps.
1. I show him gentle hands and how that looks while saying it. I kiss the other child, stroke their hair etc saying "gentle hands and kisses to our friends"
2. Remove him from the other child to a nother part of the room and reiterate "gentle hands on our friends" and if you hit, you sit. lets sit til you can be gentle
3. Have him say he's sorry when he's ready
Oh, I forgot about that. We do "gentle touches." At the humane society yesterday DS was REALLY great about only using "gentle touches" but when around other children he forgets, I guess. SO I should JUST say "gentle touches" and NOT anything about hitting? When I remember I say "No hitting, hitting hurts! Use gentle touches!" and guide his hand to touch gently. Like rdkkks said though, it used to work for me to just say that once, now it lasts one pat or touch and he is back to hitting. I guess I need to do the "you hit you sit" part more though, maybe that's where I am being too permissive. Is 20mo too young to say sorry? I have DS hug the other child. He LOVES hugs and doesn't hesitate to hug. Is that an OK alternative to "sorry" for now?

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Title: Re: so what DO I do when he hits? just a few quest
Post by: Irene on March 08, 2006, 03:56:53 PM
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I think the hug is good for saying sorry the "no hitting, hitting hurts" just seems to egg my ds on so I have dropped that and I say "gentle gentle gentle gentle" okay, not that much but I do feel like I am saying it all day and I will hold him in my lap too.

with dd, the hitting was mostly at me, so I was able to walk away, but with ds, its not as easy because theres everyone else around.

I think you need new friends or at least give *her* some boundaries I cant beleive she goes on like that!
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