Gentle Christian Mothers Community - View Single Post - Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting

GCM_Sticky · 06-11-2009, 04:28 AM

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Title: saying "ouch"
Post by: kosmom on March 24, 2005, 01:44:56 PM
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I liked Joanne's advice on another thread about giving very descriptive boundaries (like "sharp!" "hot!" "ouch!", etc.) And we do that with our 19 m.o. He is very good at recognizing "hot". And sometimes it stops him in his tracks if I say "that's dada's, not kaemon's". MOST of the time he will not pursue it, unless he's just really tired or feeling really determined

However, the "ouch" thing is kind of wierd. He knows what it means. I think. But last night, while I was nursing dd, he was stepping on my bare feet (at first, accidentally) so I said "ouch. hurts mama" And he kind of stopped, but the second time he did it and I said "ouch, hurts mama!" a little more firmly, he looked down at my feet, stepped on them, and said "ow" "ow, ow, ow" almost like he's wanting to get the response out of me. So it makes me want to stop saying "ow". Those little Nikes HURT!!!!

Any other way to teach a child that they are hurting you, without actually hurting them? (Which is the only advice I had ever gotten before GCM...if they bite you, bite them back gently...if they pull your hair, tug on theirs....) I want to find a better way, but I also want him to stop hurting us intentionally. And at least it is not very often that he does this, and it's never "his" idea to start it...he does it as a response to an accident. So maybe, in a way, he is exploring what "hurt" is all about, and will eventually "get it"? It's almost like he's conducting an experiment to see what happens when he steps on toes, presses on heads (his baby sisters), squeezes wrists, "drums" on my legs, etc.

Any ideas?

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Title: Re: saying "ouch"
Post by: Quietspirit on March 25, 2005, 06:48:18 AM
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He is very young. And you are right in that he is figuring it out by doing. That's very normal developmentally.

You can tell him, holding his hand or foot firmly, "NO. Hitting (stomping, biting) hurts!" Make it firm not gentle. He needs to hear it in your voice (not yelling of course...more like lower and firm) that this is different than game time, play time, cuddle time, etc. By using a lower firm voice combined with "NO. Hitting hurts" while physically stopping him he should get the message. You can also move away from him while he does it. Not out of the room of course, but several feet away.

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Title: How do I handle this?
Post by: Mama Rophe on February 10, 2006, 10:35:36 PM
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My 19 month old will hit and bite us. It is not done out of anger sometimes frustration. Mostly he does it when he is playing. We tell him that hitting isn't right. But he just laughs and contunues to do it. What can we do to help him stop this?

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Title: Re: How do I handle this?
Post by: milkmommy on February 10, 2006, 10:49:39 PM
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Hitting and biting whie playing or other forms of aggression (even if not intentional) with mommy means mommy stops playing and walks away for a bit. Its inaapropiate so we stop.

Deanna

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Title: Re: How do I handle this?
Post by: lavender mom on February 10, 2006, 11:47:30 PM
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My 16 month old DD does this on occassion (she also does it in anger, but that's a different thing!) When she's doing it as a sort of rough play, we say "gentle pats." Usually that's enough to change her behavior, but sometimes well also pat her gently to show her what a "gentle pat" is.

When she bites in playfulness, we tell her to give us kisses instead ("gentle kisses") , and that seems to help her too. I'm sort of surprised that this one works, but I've used it with both kids, and it hasn't confused them.

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Title: What is developmentally appropriate for an 11 mo?
Post by: sadiesmommy on December 20, 2007, 11:32:22 PM
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DD has been hitting me, the dog, DH, and everyone for a few months. I've thought it was just infant jerky motions and exploring her world, so all I have done is say "gentle," and given her the sign for gentle. She looks at me, but it doesn't seem like she really gets it. Lately she's been hitting me, scratching me, etc. When I tell her to be gentle, with a sad look on my face (sometimes I say, "That hurts mommy.") she sometimes thinks its funny and does it more. If I were of the *other* persuasion, I would think she was being defiant, but I don't *think* she is. Is she? And if so, what do I do to help her stop this? It's hurting all family members, and even little buddies at play group.

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Title: Re: What is developmentally appropriate for an 11 mo?
Post by: OpalsMom on December 21, 2007, 11:35:00 AM
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I only do "gentle" if it looks like the kid is trying to be gentle and is accidentally being too rough. I mean, if I'm MAD or even just EXCITED, gentle touching just doesn't get at what I'm trying to express...

Here's what I do, and what I did starting when she started hitting people. I said "Ow! That hurts! I don't play with people who hurt me." Then I separated us enough for her to get the point. When we got together again, I would show her an acceptable way to express what I thought she was trying to get at; she could hit an object if she was mad, she could play pattycake or high-five or sign "play" if she wanted to play.

She's not being defiant. She's not capable of being defiant. She's experimenting. But that doesn't mean she gets to hurt people.

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Title: Re: What is developmentally appropriate for an 11 mo?
Post by: graceful mama on December 21, 2007, 11:45:13 AM
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good response so far...

For us, I would help her pet the dog gently and show her how that makes him soooo happy! (very animated).

I had the problem of her laughing when hurting me clamping down hard nursing - I also had to remove her - I would say sternly "Ow! Biting hurts mommy!" and quickly place her down and turn my back on her. Sounds terribly rude, but anything else got laughs so... After a minute she would be upset and I would pick her up and love on her and say "I love you, but you can't bite mommy". She learned very quickly.

I also used the "You hit you sit" from Dr Sears. If she was hitting, I'd warn her, distract her etc, IF she persisted in hitting. I would calmly say "Ok, you need to sit in your chair and calm down for a minute. You can play with mommy again when you are ready to be gentle". That worked very well from even b4 a year old. No set time or ignoring her - just a place for her to calm down (like a high chair or swing). As soon as she asked to be picked up again, that was ok. We would talk about being kind and practice gentle touch. If they find that hitting separates them from you, they learn quickly that it's not acceptable. But of course, not separate in the sense of rejection. We have always used a chair as a place for her to calm down. Even now, she will sit there and start praying for Jesus to help her be calm and kind or to obey or whatever. So cute! It's not a negative thing in her mind.

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Title: Re: What is developmentally appropriate for an 11 mo?
Post by: gentlebirth on December 21, 2007, 11:52:22 AM
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What she's doing is totally normal for her age. She's really incapable of empathy yet, because she's still learning cause and effect for her own body.

At that age, what we typically do is say a gentle, firm: "No! Ouch! That hurts", and then involve her in another fun reaction game (since playful reaction seems to be what she's wanting). Distraction or redirection is your best bet.

Peekaboo, nose honking games, reacting is a crazy way to a repetitive gentle touch from her...all good ways to give her the fun she's wanting.

ETA: TBH, at 11mo, I doubt she lacks the ability to connect "you hit you sit" with her actions, because she's not really losing control. She's just using an immature, baby way to get your attention.

You can enforce your physical boundaries and fulfill her need for attention painlessly by giving her another appropriate game.

06-11-2009, 04:28 AM	#24
GCM_Sticky master maker of stickies Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 654	Re: Collected Posts about "You Hit, You Sit" and General Posts about Hitting ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: saying "ouch" Post by: kosmom on March 24, 2005, 01:44:56 PM --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I liked Joanne's advice on another thread about giving very descriptive boundaries (like "sharp!" "hot!" "ouch!", etc.) And we do that with our 19 m.o. He is very good at recognizing "hot". And sometimes it stops him in his tracks if I say "that's dada's, not kaemon's". MOST of the time he will not pursue it, unless he's just really tired or feeling really determined However, the "ouch" thing is kind of wierd. He knows what it means. I think. But last night, while I was nursing dd, he was stepping on my bare feet (at first, accidentally) so I said "ouch. hurts mama" And he kind of stopped, but the second time he did it and I said "ouch, hurts mama!" a little more firmly, he looked down at my feet, stepped on them, and said "ow" "ow, ow, ow" almost like he's wanting to get the response out of me. So it makes me want to stop saying "ow". Those little Nikes HURT!!!! Any other way to teach a child that they are hurting you, without actually hurting them? (Which is the only advice I had ever gotten before GCM...if they bite you, bite them back gently...if they pull your hair, tug on theirs....) I want to find a better way, but I also want him to stop hurting us intentionally. And at least it is not very often that he does this, and it's never "his" idea to start it...he does it as a response to an accident. So maybe, in a way, he is exploring what "hurt" is all about, and will eventually "get it"? It's almost like he's conducting an experiment to see what happens when he steps on toes, presses on heads (his baby sisters), squeezes wrists, "drums" on my legs, etc. Any ideas? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: saying "ouch" Post by: Quietspirit on March 25, 2005, 06:48:18 AM ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ He is very young. And you are right in that he is figuring it out by doing. That's very normal developmentally. You can tell him, holding his hand or foot firmly, "NO. Hitting (stomping, biting) hurts!" Make it firm not gentle. He needs to hear it in your voice (not yelling of course...more like lower and firm) that this is different than game time, play time, cuddle time, etc. By using a lower firm voice combined with "NO. Hitting hurts" while physically stopping him he should get the message. You can also move away from him while he does it. Not out of the room of course, but several feet away. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: How do I handle this? Post by: Mama Rophe on February 10, 2006, 10:35:36 PM ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My 19 month old will hit and bite us. It is not done out of anger sometimes frustration. Mostly he does it when he is playing. We tell him that hitting isn't right. But he just laughs and contunues to do it. What can we do to help him stop this? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: How do I handle this? Post by: milkmommy on February 10, 2006, 10:49:39 PM ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Hitting and biting whie playing or other forms of aggression (even if not intentional) with mommy means mommy stops playing and walks away for a bit. Its inaapropiate so we stop. Deanna --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: How do I handle this? Post by: lavender mom on February 10, 2006, 11:47:30 PM --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My 16 month old DD does this on occassion (she also does it in anger, but that's a different thing!) When she's doing it as a sort of rough play, we say "gentle pats." Usually that's enough to change her behavior, but sometimes well also pat her gently to show her what a "gentle pat" is. When she bites in playfulness, we tell her to give us kisses instead ("gentle kisses") , and that seems to help her too. I'm sort of surprised that this one works, but I've used it with both kids, and it hasn't confused them. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: What is developmentally appropriate for an 11 mo? Post by: sadiesmommy on December 20, 2007, 11:32:22 PM ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DD has been hitting me, the dog, DH, and everyone for a few months. I've thought it was just infant jerky motions and exploring her world, so all I have done is say "gentle," and given her the sign for gentle. She looks at me, but it doesn't seem like she really gets it. Lately she's been hitting me, scratching me, etc. When I tell her to be gentle, with a sad look on my face (sometimes I say, "That hurts mommy.") she sometimes thinks its funny and does it more. If I were of the other persuasion, I would think she was being defiant, but I don't think she is. Is she? And if so, what do I do to help her stop this? It's hurting all family members, and even little buddies at play group. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: What is developmentally appropriate for an 11 mo? Post by: OpalsMom on December 21, 2007, 11:35:00 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I only do "gentle" if it looks like the kid is trying to be gentle and is accidentally being too rough. I mean, if I'm MAD or even just EXCITED, gentle touching just doesn't get at what I'm trying to express... Here's what I do, and what I did starting when she started hitting people. I said "Ow! That hurts! I don't play with people who hurt me." Then I separated us enough for her to get the point. When we got together again, I would show her an acceptable way to express what I thought she was trying to get at; she could hit an object if she was mad, she could play pattycake or high-five or sign "play" if she wanted to play. She's not being defiant. She's not capable of being defiant. She's experimenting. But that doesn't mean she gets to hurt people. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: What is developmentally appropriate for an 11 mo? Post by: graceful mama on December 21, 2007, 11:45:13 AM ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- good response so far... For us, I would help her pet the dog gently and show her how that makes him soooo happy! (very animated). I had the problem of her laughing when hurting me clamping down hard nursing - I also had to remove her - I would say sternly "Ow! Biting hurts mommy!" and quickly place her down and turn my back on her. Sounds terribly rude, but anything else got laughs so... After a minute she would be upset and I would pick her up and love on her and say "I love you, but you can't bite mommy". She learned very quickly. I also used the "You hit you sit" from Dr Sears. If she was hitting, I'd warn her, distract her etc, IF she persisted in hitting. I would calmly say "Ok, you need to sit in your chair and calm down for a minute. You can play with mommy again when you are ready to be gentle". That worked very well from even b4 a year old. No set time or ignoring her - just a place for her to calm down (like a high chair or swing). As soon as she asked to be picked up again, that was ok. We would talk about being kind and practice gentle touch. If they find that hitting separates them from you, they learn quickly that it's not acceptable. But of course, not separate in the sense of rejection. We have always used a chair as a place for her to calm down. Even now, she will sit there and start praying for Jesus to help her be calm and kind or to obey or whatever. So cute! It's not a negative thing in her mind. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Title: Re: What is developmentally appropriate for an 11 mo? Post by: gentlebirth on December 21, 2007, 11:52:22 AM --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What she's doing is totally normal for her age. She's really incapable of empathy yet, because she's still learning cause and effect for her own body. At that age, what we typically do is say a gentle, firm: "No! Ouch! That hurts", and then involve her in another fun reaction game (since playful reaction seems to be what she's wanting). Distraction or redirection is your best bet. Peekaboo, nose honking games, reacting is a crazy way to a repetitive gentle touch from her...all good ways to give her the fun she's wanting. ETA: TBH, at 11mo, I doubt she lacks the ability to connect "you hit you sit" with her actions, because she's not really losing control. She's just using an immature, baby way to get your attention. You can enforce your physical boundaries and fulfill her need for attention painlessly by giving her another appropriate game.

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