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Old 07-18-2006, 10:32 AM   #22
4blessings
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Default Re: I need to say a few things about the idea of defiance

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris3jam
I can understand with little children. But, what about older kids? Like. . .8 and 9 and 10? The ones that you can actually see thinking about it. . . and then they decide that they'll do it anyway. You can *see* the little wheels turning. The ones that say, "But I wanted to do it anyway, and so I did!" I understand that they wanted to do it. . . but it was *wrong*!
In our family, this is where logical/natural consequences come into play. First of all, I should say that I don't really think my older children do things defiantly. I don't see it that way, anyway. Do they sometimes do things I specifically told them not to do? Sure! Did they do it thinking, "Mom told me not to do XYZ, but I don't care. I'm going to, anyway." No. It usually comes from a place of impulse control or just simply getting carried away and forgetting.

But whatever the reason for the "disobedience", the consequences (natural and/or logical) are the same. We wouldn't add a consequence for the act of defiance.

An example. My oldest son (14) has an AirSoft BB gun with which he likes to target shoot. DH and I have specifically told him that he is never, ever to shoot when any small children are around b/c he can't trust small children to stay behind him when he shoots. One day I was out watching him shoot. A small neighbor child walked into the empty lot near where he was shooting. He saw him and shot anyway. Now, I know my son's heart, and I know for sure that he didn't defy me. He just got carried away, as 14 y/o boys sometimes do, and just didn't think. Still, the consequence for being unsafe with the gun was losing his gun for a while. It doesn't matter why he did what he did. He was unsafe and from the time he got the gun, he knew that ownership of the gun came with the condition that he would always use it safely. Am I making any sense at all? LOL!

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