[Katigre]

Note: I want to emphasize that so much of parenting depends on the specific parent/child relationship and family dynamics, including this area. This is just what has worked well in our family. We've got good relationships with our kids and are confident that our expectations are reasonable - if we had a lot of conflict in other areas, we might do things differently. Also, none of my kids have special needs and as a family we're pretty emotionally resilient - that affects my confidence in having them keep going even if there are tears. I'm sure that there are kids for whom being forced to finish a task they are scared of doing would lead to an increase in anxiety about it, instead of feeling the pride and accomplishment that my kids feel. Every child and parent is different!

Originally Posted by knitlove

I agree with you but often have trouble patenting though the fit. Do you think you could offer some spacifics as to how you do it?

Sent from my Pixel 2 XL using Tapatalk

I'm strong-willed . But in all seriousness, it differs by the individual child and task - one wants cuddles, one wants to yell their frustration, one wants to sit on my lap to be able to get through it, one just wants reassurance that these current feelings aren't permanent. But whatever emotional tools I use, what doesn't change is that they can't throw a fit to avoid the task we've already set out ahead of us. It doesn't matter if it takes 5-10-15-20-25+ minutes of them trying to tell me they can't do it - I'll be sympathetic, I'll listen, I'll redirect them to the task (I won't generally let them leave the room unless it's to go to the bathroom b/c it's too easy to get distracted), I'll suggest calming techniques, and I'll remind them that they *can* do it and that it *will* be done - and that there is another side to how they're feeling.

I'm their "doula" . When a mom in labor first says "Oh my gosh this is so hard I can't do it!" the doula keeps helping them along, suggest different coping techniques, etc... But the task of birthing doesn't end just b/c it's hard. A good doula doesn't respond to the first freak out with "Oh no you're right - you can't, so we'll just stop birthing."

I want my kids to know that the initial frustration they feel at a new task isn't a sign to stop, but a sign to figure out the problem and keep going. They may find halfway through that it's too hard - but giving up in the first 5 minutes isn't a good measure of either their skills or the task. Perseverance is a skill that I think is essential for being a capable adult, and this is how we have our kids practice it. We have a saying "Keep practicing it until it becomes easy" (this applies to things big and small).

So I don't let them not do the task just b/c they protest (even strongly). If it's a reasonable expectation, then it will be done. We simply outlast their protests until they reach the other side of accepting that it is required and doing it. I believe this emotional process of feeling frustrated by a task, feeling like "I can't do this! I don't want to do this!", and then completing it anyway (and realizing that they are far more capable then they assumed) is so important.

Once they've realized it has to happen - nothing else happening until this task is done (this is my older kid version of 'make it happen' since I'm not going hand-over-hand to pick up toys with bigger kids), then they find the strength within themselves to do the work. Again, we're not asking unreasonable tasks. We're asking them to do things that are age-appropriate and we know they are capable of doing. Some tasks are 'tip-toe' capable (meaning it is stretching their skills - like someone peaking over a fence on tip toes b/c they're not quite tall enough to see flat footed).

I also have a philosphy that education (becoming a life-long learner) is the 'work' of childhood. That includes play, large muscle, small muscle, free-exploration, and also defined tasks that build specific skills (like handwriting, arithmetic, reading, writing). Work isn't all drudgery - I have great joy in my work! But there are also parts of it that I strongly dislike, but can't avoid. Knowing how to buckle down and get through those parts is part of building character, and we want our kids to be comfortable doing that by the time they're grown adults.

So I approach it mentally like we're building skills, and one of the biggest skills is emotional resilience. My kids disliking something isn't a reason to avoid doing it if I believe it's a necessary thing for them to learn. (And sometimes, it's not so much the task itself that's necessary, but the character development to see that they CAN do something they thought was impossible. It's been great to see that skill translate into other areas of life - everyone needs to learn the emotional skills to know their limits, but you'll never know your limits until you're pushed past the point of what's comfortable/easy/familiar. I want my kids to be open to growth, and approaching school (and other things in life - even stuff like doing longer bike rides than they thought they could do, finishing a big household chore together, etc...) means doing harder things - but it's satisfying and good to tackle them.

This has paid off hugely as my kids are growing older and able to do so much, and are proud of how much they can do. They cheerlead their younger siblings now, b/c they've seen that in their own lives the skills get easier as they go. As an example, We just did some long hikes in the mountains together, and they kept going when it was hard and were rewarded with a beautiful waterfall at the end of the hike. Practicing it on a smaller scale at home leads to them tackling bigger things later on with minimal pushing from DH or myself - it becomes self-generating after awhile .

This also applies to chores like cleaning the kitchen, putting away laundry, etc... This has been our family practice since they were toddlers, so it's not like we were laissez faire and suddenly put down the hammer at age 7 (that would lead to a lot more difficulty in helping the child understand that they are required to do these things - resetting boundaries is always more intense at first). They don't have to enjoy each task, we do talk about what they've learned from it or how something they don't necessarily enjoy is still useful to know.

Ex. My daughter hates loading the dishwasher - but it's still on her chore rotation every other day. Eventually she knows she won't have to do it anymore, that her younger siblings will take up this task, but that it's good to know how to do it as she grows up though. My son hates handwashing dishes, but we still have him do it. He needs to know how to clean up after cooking/eating. They don't only get to do the chores they like, they also have to learn to do the ones they dislike). We totally acknowledge that they don't like those chores, and that's ok! Their feelings are valid, but their feelings don't change the fact that in a family chores have to be shared, even ones we dislike.

For my oldest, handwriting and creative projects are what tended to trigger his 'I don't want to/I can't' in his elementary years - but now, as a 7th grader, he buckles down and does those things with far less resistance/fear/uncertainty b/c we've helped him build the habit of tackling things that aren't necessarily his favorite. He will likely never enjoy creative writing, but he can do it competently now b/c of the practice over the past few years. If it had never been required, he would have stayed in his comfort zone and had far less growth.

We also teach them emotional self-awareness/self-regulation skills which helps in internalizing the lessons from tackling harder tasks. I talk things through with them during and afterward - how did you feel at the beginning/middle/end? what did you learn? will it be easier next time now that you've done it? what would have helped you in the middle of the situation? And we apply those lessons next time we hit a similar roadblock. It's a learning process for them and for me (b/c each child is different in their needs).