[canadiyank]

Chapter Two - What To Do When Your Child is Upset

I love that this book is so practical. She admits there's tons to do and foundations to lay, but most people pick up the book wanting to know what to do *now* when a tantrum is happening. She says, "The good news is there are things you can do to help your child to deal with his feelings over time. The bad news is that nothing "works" in the moment of crisis. Once your child has "lost it," he can rarely learn anything until he is calm again. At the moment of crisis, the most effective approach is to give the child the support he needs, and then plan what you will teach he when he is calm" (p. 14) [italics mine].

Levels of support - depending on the child's age and skill level for dealing with emotions and situations, that parent's role changes as children grow in age and ability.

Comfortor - I will take care of you.
Teacher - You have choices.
Coach - You can think of choices.
Supporter - You are in charge. I'll support you.

She then illustrates these examples with stories from various ages and skill-levels of children, making it clear that just b/c a child is x-age doesn't mean they're able to deal with the emotions/situations successfully (jeepers - how many of us can't? Yet we skill have higher expectations of our, say, 3yo... ). As the child grows and they learn they will be able to more successfully handle these situations and your role as a parent will change. I love that final stage of "supporter" - you are in charge; I'll support you. I can think of many parental relationship that either didn't have any of these roles or were stuck at one which led to many problems in their adult children's lives.

As far as the crisis of "in the moment," she clarifies that while it's important to deal with the crisis, very little learning occurs as this time. In fact, if that's the only time you deal with feelings, your child will probably continue to have emotional meltdowns b/c although acknowledging feelings is helpful, it does not teach the child *how* to deal with the emotions.

First, the steps for dealing with a crisis:

1. Check for safety. Move anyone or anything being hurt.
2. Acknowledge feelings. "It's ok to feel ____." (Identifying feelings gives them a feelings vocabulary, that feelings are acceptable, and that their feelings are different from actions. It's ok to "guess" at their feelings and be wrong...they're still learning and if they can tell you're wrong, great!)
3. Set limits. "And I will not let you _____." (Notice use of "and" here instead of "but," which can negate or minimize their feelings you idenitified in step 2.)
4. Offer choices. "You may ____ or _____ instead." (These are the skills you've introduced at other times.)
5. Offer support. "Would you like me to ___?" ("Offering support may be tricky. Some children want to be left alone, others feel abandoned if you leave. You can ask what the child wants, but remember that she may really not know. You may need to experiment to see what works best." p. 17.)

Between crises is when the main teaching takes place and that's the focus of the future chapters. To start off, though, these three actions are important:

1. Teach new strategies and skills for coping.
2. Ackowledge effort. Teachings skills is a gradual effort and learning them may takes weeks or months versus hours or days.
3. Reduce stress. (Too many activities, triggers, dealing with your own stress, etc.)