View Single Post
Old 03-03-2007, 12:46 AM   #2
canadiyank
Deactivated
I support GCM!
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Central WA
Posts: 17,196
canadiyank has a reputation beyond reputecanadiyank has a reputation beyond reputecanadiyank has a reputation beyond reputecanadiyank has a reputation beyond reputecanadiyank has a reputation beyond reputecanadiyank has a reputation beyond reputecanadiyank has a reputation beyond reputecanadiyank has a reputation beyond reputecanadiyank has a reputation beyond reputecanadiyank has a reputation beyond reputecanadiyank has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Discussion of "Dealing With Disappointment" by Elizabeth Crary

Chapter One - Who's Responsible For Happiness?

Wow, that was a big insight for me. I mean, I know I can't make my children happy, and that quote at the top of the board that pops up periodically about just b/c our kids are having a strong reaction to the boundaries doesn't mean it's punitive, has had a lasting impact on me as I've parented. To hear it from a difference source was so helpful to me...so here it is again, folks: My child is responsible for his or her own happiness. We can provide wonderful experiences, encouragement, etc. but ultimately we can't make them happy, nor is it our responsibility.

Although we can't "make" them happy, we can help them...

Parents' role: modeling ways to deal with feelings appropriately, teaching information and skills needed, backing out (when appropriate) and letting children be responsible for their own feelings;

Children's role: to notice their feelings, learn the skills to manage feelings and situations, experiement with what works for them.

This quote was especially pertinent to our situation:

"Recently parents have begun to acknowledge their children's feelings and are surprised that their children sometimes remain upset. Acknowledging feelings is very helpful, and children need more than that. They need information about feelings, concrete tools and strategies to deal with their feelings and the situation they face, and support as they experiement and find out what works for them." (p. 9)

What kids need to manage their feelings...

1. Information about feelings - a feelings vocaulary, to know that feelings change, and that feelings are different from actions.

2. Tools and strategies - to calm themselves instead of putting a lid on it or exploding.

3. Support - different levels of parental support depending on age and stage of learning. (She makes a big distinction about this, focusing on the fact that stage of learning of skills is more important than age. So many times we expect things b/c they're "x" age, but they lack the skills to deal with the situation.)

She then goes on to a self-test that talks about your "Parenting EQ (emotional quotient) Style," which is helpful for determining how you handle kids' feelings. There's the sensitve response, which acknowledges feelings and often tries to destract the child but not offer tools or strategies for dealing with the feelings (that would be me...). A Critical response dismisses or discounts the child's feelings, may blame child for situation, doesn't like display of feelings, offers no skills. A Fixing response tries to solve the child's problem or avoid the situation so the child won't be upset. Rarely acknowledges feelings, offer tools, or encourages the child to problem-solve for him/herself. The Coaching response acknowledges child's feelings, offers strategies to deal with feelings, reminds they have choices of strategies, and that they (the parents) are available as a resource.

Obviously the Coaching response would be the one they are teaching us how to do. I was suprised to find that while I was reflecting and acknowledging away I wasn't giving a whole lot of tools for dealing with the situations and feelings. And I'd already read the book but was still doing that.

Anyways, there ya go.
canadiyank is offline   Reply With Quote
 
X vBulletin 3.8.3 Debug Information
  • Page Generation 0.07832 seconds
  • Memory Usage 6,958KB
  • Queries Executed 14 (?)
More Information
Template Usage:
  • (1)SHOWTHREAD_SHOWPOST
  • (1)ad_footer_end
  • (1)ad_footer_start
  • (1)ad_header_end
  • (1)ad_header_logo
  • (1)ad_navbar_below
  • (1)cyb_flashimagebanners
  • (1)footer
  • (1)gobutton
  • (1)header
  • (1)headinclude
  • (19)option
  • (1)post_groan_box
  • (1)post_groan_javascript
  • (1)post_groan_navbar_search
  • (1)post_thanks_box
  • (1)post_thanks_javascript
  • (1)post_thanks_navbar_search
  • (1)postbit_legacy
  • (1)postbit_onlinestatus
  • (11)postbit_reputation
  • (1)postbit_wrapper
  • (1)spacer_close
  • (1)spacer_open 

Phrase Groups Available:
  • global
  • postbit
  • reputationlevel
  • showthread
Included Files:
  • ./showpost.php
  • ./global.php
  • ./includes/init.php
  • ./includes/class_core.php
  • ./includes/config.php
  • ./includes/functions.php
  • ./includes/class_hook.php
  • ./includes/functions_notice.php
  • ./mobiquo/smartbanner.php
  • ./includes/functions_bigthree.php
  • ./includes/class_postbit.php
  • ./includes/class_bbcode.php
  • ./includes/functions_reputation.php
  • ./includes/functions_post_thanks.php
  • ./includes/functions_post_groan.php
  • ./includes/functions_misc.php 

Hooks Called:
  • init_startup
  • cache_permissions
  • fetch_postinfo_query
  • fetch_postinfo
  • fetch_threadinfo_query
  • fetch_threadinfo
  • fetch_foruminfo
  • style_fetch
  • cache_templates
  • global_start
  • parse_templates
  • fetch_musername
  • notices_check_start
  • global_setup_complete
  • showpost_start
  • bbcode_fetch_tags
  • bbcode_create
  • postbit_factory
  • showpost_post
  • postbit_display_start
  • post_thanks_function_post_thanks_off_start
  • post_thanks_function_post_thanks_off_end
  • post_thanks_function_fetch_thanks_start
  • post_thanks_function_fetch_thanks_end
  • post_thanks_function_thanked_already_start
  • post_thanks_function_thanked_already_end
  • post_groan_function_post_groan_off_start
  • post_groan_function_post_groan_off_end
  • post_groan_function_fetch_groans_start
  • post_groan_function_fetch_groans_end
  • post_groan_function_groaned_already_start
  • post_groan_function_groaned_already_end
  • reputation_image
  • postbit_imicons
  • bbcode_parse_start
  • bbcode_parse_complete_precache
  • bbcode_parse_complete
  • postbit_display_complete
  • error_fetch
  • showpost_complete