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Title: Augh! Stop hitting the baby!
Post by: Eowyn on June 04, 2005, 12:35:38 AM
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Ian's 22 months, and Henry's just a few days shy of 2 months. Ian is usually gentle with him, but there are occasions when he wants attention, and wants it now. On those occasions, he hits Henry. It doesn't matter where he is, he'll walk up, lean in to give him a kiss (or so I think), then whack him. He'll hit him in my arms, in the bouncy, or on the couch or bed. I'd like to give him the attention, but I do not want to reward the behavior. I with him and read to him when it's just him and me, but that isn't often since Henry likes to be held all of the time, and they're on opposite nap schedules. He wants my undivided attention, and that's just not often possible right now.
Wall-time (a la Love and Logic) results in screaming, and I feel it's the wrong consequence for him. What can I do to encourage him to stop smacking the baby and get my attention another way?
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Title: Re: Augh! Stop hitting the baby!
Post by: purplerose on June 04, 2005, 10:41:03 AM
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When my DD used to do this (she was 17 mos old when DS was born), I don't think she was doing it to be mean, she was just frustrated. So, I just gently told her..."no no sweetie, we touch the baby gentle" and then took her hand and showed her how to be gentle. It took a while, but she got it. HTH
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Title: Re: Augh! Stop hitting the baby!
Post by: Miranda on June 04, 2005, 10:49:33 AM
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Can you catch his arm before it lands on the baby? And gently but sternly say " no we be gentle to our new baby" and encourage him to come kiss the baby on the head or something.
My 2 youngest are 22 months apart and I do alot of " The baby sure thinks your a great big sister" ect...
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Title: Re: Augh! Stop hitting the baby!
Post by: gratefulmama on June 04, 2005, 02:09:26 PM
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my son does the same thing, he is bored and starts out just talking to his sister and then it's like his impulses just take over and he gives her a little WHAP right on the head! He is getting better as we always stress " We don't hit, gentle touches"
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Title: Re: Augh! Stop hitting the baby!
Post by: ArmsOfLove on June 06, 2005, 12:33:19 PM
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You are definately stuck in a punitive paradigm
Give him as much attention as you can--he has a very real need and he didn't ask for the situation to change. I'd talk to him about how it's okay to sometimes love the baby and sometimes not love the baby; to sometimes like the baby and to sometimes hate the baby--these are very real and valid feelings. It is never okay to hurt the baby!
Wall time isn't going to work because it's increasing the separation when you need to be increasing the connection. And you definately need to find ways to give him the attention you can, and find times to give him undivided attention
That's not rewarding bad behavior--that's meeting the need that caused the bad behavior.
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Title: Re: Augh! Stop hitting the baby!
Post by: Eowyn on June 07, 2005, 03:47:05 PM
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It seems that for the most part, the hitting has been a phase. It's decreased dramatically over the last few days. We had been doing a lot of encouraging gentle touches from the get go, and I made attempts to read to Ian (he's not a fan of sitting for more than a few minutes) or play a game with him when I'm nursing the baby, but I got really frustrated when it felt like I wasn't getting any results, and I hated seeing one of my babies hurt the other--wall time was me (and DH) thoroughly out of patience with the situation.
Ian has also undergone a growth spurt in his verbal skills and comprehension. It's amazing to me how in just a day or two he's speaking so much more, and understanding so much more. I think that's helped with the hitting, too.
I thought I might set up a beanbag with a few books, and some squishy balls and things that he can throw and hit instead of Henry, when he feels really upset and wants to hit, and perhaps suggesting to him that he sit in his bean bag or by me, and I'll give him as much attention as I can when Henry's done eating (how can I phrase that so an almost two year old will understand it), and as much as I can for now. Is this a good idea?
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Title: Please help me with my hitting child!
Post by: Sweet Baby 03 on June 12, 2005, 09:38:06 PM
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I really don't know what to do. Whenever my child gets mad or whenever someone comes up to talk to her and she doesn't want them to, she hits. It is very embarassing and I don't know how to get her to stop. This has been going on for quite some time, so I don't believe it is just a passing phase. I have tried everything, including hand smacking, spanking and time outs.
Usually, I just hold her hand down and say no, no hitting, but that just makes her angry and hit more. I've tried teaching her to "touch gently" to no avail. I'm really sad about her agressive behavior. She hits other children, too, and I really hate it. Can someone give me some advice on what to do about this? It seems like I've tried everything and it's just not working. Please help. Thanks.
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Title: Re: Please help me with my hitting child!
Post by: fatfishes on June 13, 2005, 05:21:27 AM
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HI .
I thought f a cuple of things.It takes consistency for anything to work,keep working with the touch gently approach..If she hits out hold her hands and repeat no hitting.The hand tapping/spanking will not have helped,but I am sure you know that.
If it is an adult,step in first ,explain she finds meeting people difficult.Some adults are so tactless with children,they just rush in pick them up or demand a conversation in a way they would never treat another adult.Let her make the first move.
With children be watchful,you will notice the frustration build up.INTERVENE THEN If she hits ,you make a big fuss of the wounded one,then repeat the message no hitting.
My eldest was a hitter [and biter].We didnt use GBD then.But I believe she is not a group person.She likes her own space and I was always out and about with her .She coped better when I gave up some of our playdates,outings and toddler groups.Now she is a confident,very socialable 14 Yo.
Finally be on her side.Believe she is a friendly being.
Hang in there.
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Title: Re: Please help me with my hitting child!
Post by: ArmsOfLove on June 13, 2005, 12:17:15 PM
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What's going to make it stop is really just her maturing and gaining better self control. In the meantime there are ways to be teaching her so that as she matures out of this stage she leaves the hitting behind
Supervise Supervise Supervise! When children are in a stage like this (and it is a stage--just not a short one with all children
) they need close and constant supervision. This is the age when you follow them around the playground and don't always get to engage in the adult conversations :/ If they move to hit stop them--gently but firmly grab her arm and say, "No hitting. Hitting hurts" and them move her away. Teach angry dances, angry songs, ask her to draw angry pictures, give her a punching pillow that she may hit. Offer it every time she moves to hit.
You can institute a "hurt and go" policy where you leave as soon as she hurts someone.
And realize that this is very common! It's an immature expression of very real big feelings. As she gets older and more verbal and can use some of the other tools that you're working on teaching her, she will
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Title: Re: Please help me with my hitting child!
Post by: Sweet Baby 03 on June 13, 2005, 12:24:44 PM
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Thank you for the replies. I really appreciate them. It's just so hard-and frustrating-especially when she hits another adult. One poster's right, though, a lot of people will just come right up to her and get in her face or try to take her and it just freaks her out and she hits. Same with another child that gets too close to her. She just needs her space, I guess. But, I still want her to learn that hitting is mean and hurts people's feelings. I guess I will just keep doing what I'm doing and be consistent with it. I do give sympathy to the one she hit, but it doesn't seem to make a difference yet. I do try to supervise her closely, but I really need to be better with it, so I can intercept right away. Usually, if she won't stop hitting, I'll take her to another room for some time out. Not a "time out" time out, but just some quiet time to settle down. Again, thanks for your help.
I can't wait until the day that she communicates better leaves the hitting behind!!
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Title: Re: Please help me with my hitting child!
Post by: ArmsOfLove on June 13, 2005, 12:33:24 PM
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Quote
I still want her to learn that hitting is mean and hurts people's feelings.
May I suggest a different message to give her? I'd suggest changing the message you want her to learn to being: "Words are how we tell people how we feel and set boundaries." "mean" is a very vague word and is very loaded with emotion. Rather than "nice" or "mean" I focus on teaching "gentle" and pointing out when something isn't gentle. You can actually teach gentle. And I'd focus more on hitting hurting bodies than feelings
I try very hard to not suggest my children are responsible for other people's feelings--but they are responsible for not hurting their bodies
After your last post I think it sounds like your dd has some fantastic boundaries and needs to be taught how to set them
I'd emphasize words like, "Say, 'I need space!'" And I'd suggest speaking for her to people when she starts to hit, "OH, she's saying, 'Please give me space!' She needs you to move back and not be so close to her." This models for her what she will need to say to get people to back off and as she gets more verbal she'll use the words she's heard you saying.
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Title: Re: Please help me with my hitting child!
Post by: Joanne on June 13, 2005, 01:53:19 PM
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To reiterate what is being said, I think your dd needs some affirmation and coaching. Affirmation on the fact that her desire for space is legitamite and coaching on how to assert that space appropriately.
Practice! Role play. Practice being an adult approaching her and teach her to stop you with words instead of her body. Practice being a child and the same thing. Have her practice with stuffed animals and dolls.
And speak for her. "My dd needs some time and space to get used to you."
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Title: Re: Please help me with my hitting child!
Post by: Sweet Baby 03 on June 13, 2005, 08:52:55 PM
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Ok. Thanks again for the advice. I'll try really hard to use it! Also, it helps me feel better just knowing others understand what I'm going through and are willing to offer the advice. Again, it is appreciated very much! Although someone being too close to her causes a lot of the hitting, it doesn't cause all-sometimes she's just angry because she was told no, etc. I'll try teaching her other ways of communicating to others that she needs her space.
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Title: Re: Please help me with my hitting child!
Post by: jujubnme on June 13, 2005, 09:01:56 PM
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Quote from: Sweet Baby 03 on June 13, 2005, 08:52:55 PM
Although someone being too close to her causes a lot of the hitting, it doesn't cause all-sometimes she's just angry because she was told no, etc. I'll try teaching her other ways of communicating to others that she needs her space.
I think the key is to help her communicate whatever she's feeling in a different way than hitting. So if someone is getting too close, you teach her to tell them she needs her space. If she's angry, you can help her use her words for that and give her some other outlets for expressing her anger if needed. At this age hitting is often just an immature way of communicating. As she learns more and more other ways to communicate, the reflex to hit will lessen. It does take time, though.
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Title: Re: Please help me with my hitting child!
Post by: Sweet Baby 03 on June 14, 2005, 07:43:22 AM
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Yes. Time and patience.
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