View Single Post
Old 08-07-2009, 08:52 AM   #45
GrowingInGrace
Guest
 
 
Posts: n/a
Default Re: Discipline can "fix" a problem

Quote:
Originally Posted by joyinthejourney View Post
This thread is a breath of fresh air! Oh, how timely! I love the honesty here! One thing that's *always* bugged me about the punitive mindset is how it completely ignores the bond breakage. Yes, the discipline works. But, what are your kids learning about how to relate to YOU? You can't spank your child & honestly tell me it didn't break something btwn the 2 of you! People here admit that & are honestly trying to keep the bond intact.

That bond will be SO incredibly important when the child is a teen, on the brink of adulthood.. This is what keeps me on track. I don't want my child to be afraid to come to me, afraid to talk & be honest about mistakes & feelings. Just for the short term goal of "proper" outward behavior. That's the kind of teen who desperately loves their parents & may "do" all the right things...but is uncomfortable to tell them how they really feel. I know, bc I was that teen. Very much a "good" girl. But, afraid to ever say I was depressed.

ETA: The depression had nothing to do with punitive upbringing. They were doing the best they knew how, and we did have a very loving home. But, I do think that type of discipline set me up to feel like I must always be happy. So, when I didn't have a good explanation for why I was depressed (prob raging hormones, which I didn't understand), I was afraid to tell, bc I didn't want to worry them. I still see this when my ds isn't in a "smiley" mood. My mother will automatically worry & ask why he's not "himself" today. GBD helps me recognize that there are lots of feelings, lots of reasons for those feelings, and most of them are okay. Besides being punitive, my mom did a lot of creative things to try & help us. But, she also always tried to "fix" things if we weren't in a "smiley" mood.
I think you have some very good points here. I have a people-pleasing oldest daughter and I wouldn't want her to feel unable to tell me anything because she wouldn't want us to worry. I'm going to keep that in mind.

I picked up the book Mad isn't Bad and it's wonderful, but I also know there is another book called Sad Isn't Bad too (oh, wait, I think that's on death and dying...hmmm not what I'm thinking of). I wonder if that would help the kids understand and cope with sadness.

Last edited by GrowingInGrace; 08-07-2009 at 08:55 AM.
  Reply With Quote
 
X vBulletin 3.8.3 Debug Information
  • Page Generation 0.06972 seconds
  • Memory Usage 6,933KB
  • Queries Executed 14 (?)
More Information
Template Usage:
  • (1)SHOWTHREAD_SHOWPOST
  • (1)ad_footer_end
  • (1)ad_footer_start
  • (1)ad_header_end
  • (1)ad_header_logo
  • (1)ad_navbar_below
  • (1)bbcode_quote
  • (1)cyb_flashimagebanners
  • (1)footer
  • (1)gobutton
  • (1)header
  • (1)headinclude
  • (19)option
  • (1)post_groan_box
  • (1)post_groan_javascript
  • (1)post_groan_navbar_search
  • (1)post_thanks_box
  • (1)post_thanks_javascript
  • (1)post_thanks_navbar_search
  • (1)postbit_legacy
  • (1)postbit_wrapper
  • (1)spacer_close
  • (1)spacer_open 

Phrase Groups Available:
  • global
  • postbit
  • reputationlevel
  • showthread
Included Files:
  • ./showpost.php
  • ./global.php
  • ./includes/init.php
  • ./includes/class_core.php
  • ./includes/config.php
  • ./includes/functions.php
  • ./includes/class_hook.php
  • ./includes/functions_notice.php
  • ./mobiquo/smartbanner.php
  • ./includes/functions_bigthree.php
  • ./includes/class_postbit.php
  • ./includes/class_bbcode.php
  • ./includes/functions_reputation.php
  • ./includes/functions_post_thanks.php
  • ./includes/functions_post_groan.php
  • ./includes/functions_misc.php 

Hooks Called:
  • init_startup
  • cache_permissions
  • fetch_postinfo_query
  • fetch_postinfo
  • fetch_threadinfo_query
  • fetch_threadinfo
  • fetch_foruminfo
  • style_fetch
  • cache_templates
  • global_start
  • parse_templates
  • fetch_musername
  • notices_check_start
  • global_setup_complete
  • showpost_start
  • bbcode_fetch_tags
  • bbcode_create
  • postbit_factory
  • showpost_post
  • postbit_display_start
  • post_thanks_function_post_thanks_off_start
  • post_thanks_function_post_thanks_off_end
  • post_thanks_function_fetch_thanks_start
  • post_thanks_function_fetch_thanks_end
  • post_thanks_function_thanked_already_start
  • post_thanks_function_thanked_already_end
  • post_groan_function_post_groan_off_start
  • post_groan_function_post_groan_off_end
  • post_groan_function_fetch_groans_start
  • post_groan_function_fetch_groans_end
  • post_groan_function_groaned_already_start
  • post_groan_function_groaned_already_end
  • bbcode_parse_start
  • bbcode_parse_complete_precache
  • bbcode_parse_complete
  • postbit_display_complete
  • error_fetch
  • showpost_complete