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WildFlower · 05-17-2012, 06:03 AM

I don't think it's a good thing to view a request as an order. I think we NEED to teach our children boundaries and let them be allowed to say no to a request but learn to do as we tell them to do. I really think it's good to differentiate between a request and an order. It's not the "please" that makes it a request. It's the way it's state.

"could you move that to the table" (is a request (optional) even without the please)
"Please take off your shoes " (is an order even with the polite please)

The words "could and can you or would you" all indicate a request. Without those they are an order. Please just makes it more polite, no matter if it is a request or not.

What I have learned here on GCM is to us commands for young children and do NOT use requests when it is not optional. Then making sure you help make it happen every time helps them learn it is not optional. Don't start giving optional requests till they are later. At some point (not sure which age) you start teaching the difference between "may I " and "can I" and they begin to understand the difference. I don't want my children to learn to obey every adult that makes a request or gives an order.

I think that I really want my DD to learn that she CAN say no to requests from those in authority. For example you said that if a boss asks if you could do something you feel like you have to. Just because you feel like you have to , does not mean you really do. If it is voluntary, such as overtime or extra work you SHOULD be able to say no. Teaching our children good boundaries will help them be able to say no when appropriate. I think I wasn't raised to feel like I could say no and create my own boundaries. I think this is something I want to do differently with my DD.

05-17-2012, 06:03 AM	#49
WildFlower Banned Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: indiana Posts: 4,410	Re: Pet Peeve #5 by my own mom I don't think it's a good thing to view a request as an order. I think we NEED to teach our children boundaries and let them be allowed to say no to a request but learn to do as we tell them to do. I really think it's good to differentiate between a request and an order. It's not the "please" that makes it a request. It's the way it's state. "could you move that to the table" (is a request (optional) even without the please) "Please take off your shoes " (is an order even with the polite please) The words "could and can you or would you" all indicate a request. Without those they are an order. Please just makes it more polite, no matter if it is a request or not. What I have learned here on GCM is to us commands for young children and do NOT use requests when it is not optional. Then making sure you help make it happen every time helps them learn it is not optional. Don't start giving optional requests till they are later. At some point (not sure which age) you start teaching the difference between "may I " and "can I" and they begin to understand the difference. I don't want my children to learn to obey every adult that makes a request or gives an order. I think that I really want my DD to learn that she CAN say no to requests from those in authority. For example you said that if a boss asks if you could do something you feel like you have to. Just because you feel like you have to , does not mean you really do. If it is voluntary, such as overtime or extra work you SHOULD be able to say no. Teaching our children good boundaries will help them be able to say no when appropriate. I think I wasn't raised to feel like I could say no and create my own boundaries. I think this is something I want to do differently with my DD.

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