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Old 03-22-2010, 04:08 AM   #2
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Default Re: Collected Past Posts about the Five Steps

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kauaidee 08-12-2005 09:17 PM
Re: The Five Steps
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I'm loving step 3 right now. With a 2 year old seeking independence often all I have to do is say "can you do it yourself or do you need my help", and she does what I've been asking. Well at least 99.9% of the time Now all I need to focus on is that it is not punitive. I'm getting there slowly

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Mama Rophe 10-16-2005 02:42 AM
Re: The Five Steps
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I was just wondering...

My ds, who is 16 months, just starts to scream louder and louser when I do the bear hug. He does understand small things, like "Please bring me your shoes."etc. When it is time to clean up, I always have to help him, because he doesn't have the attention span to do it himself yet. What I do is this... I say, "It's time to clean up now." I then slowly start cleaning and he starts to help. When he starts to throw a "tantrum" I try to calm him down with the "bear hug". He just gets louder. I'm not quite sure what to do at this point. Any advice?

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sgreen 10-16-2005 02:33 PM
Re: The Five Steps
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Yep, Ladies

it really works.......and I'm so much calmer as well now.....of course I still have my moments, but less and less..

Halelujah!!

Thankyou for the 5 steps...I've been telling all my freinds here in rainy Manchester about it!

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sgreen 10-16-2005 02:38 PM
Re: The Five Steps
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oops sorry laura!

i didnt offer any advice....

with an 18mth old try good old diversion.....ie counting the things you're putting away in a loud and funny voice?

or tickling him after every thing you put away...make a game?

or go through the five steps again?..in a quiet voice sometimes helps.....they have to quiet down to hear what you're saying?

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ArmsOfLove 10-16-2005 04:57 PM
Re: The Five Steps
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And with an 18 mo I'd do step one and then skip to step 3 and make step 4 doing it with him or even 4 him, though if you start and make it playful he will likely jump right in And I'd encourage you to do the Bear Hug at neutral and positive times--usually I just brush into a room, grab someone up in a Bear Hug, and then go back to what I was doing. This way my children don't associate it with conflict, but with comfort hth

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Mama Rophe 10-18-2005 06:30 PM
Re: The Five Steps
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Originally Posted by ArmsOfLove
Quote:
And with an 18 mo I'd do step one and then skip to step 3 and make step 4 doing it with him or even 4 him, though if you start and make it playful he will likely jump right in And I'd encourage you to do the Bear Hug at neutral and positive times--usually I just brush into a room, grab someone up in a Bear Hug, and then go back to what I was doing. This way my children don't associate it with conflict, but with comfort hth
Thank you! I have started doing this and now ds loves to have his hugs. I love this time too, because he gives hugs and kisses back to me.

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mum2one 10-27-2005 12:43 AM
Re: The Five Steps
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with the 5 steps, I may not be getting it but with the 5th step (the bear hug), it that used only when DS isn't complying after helping him?

Can you please explain that more?

thankyou

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ArmsOfLove 10-27-2005 12:54 AM
Re: The Five Steps
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The helping should complete the task. The Bear Hug is for if the child's internal boundaries break down and he becomes violent towards himself or others or is melting down. Some children require it when they become aggressive. Some children desire it as it is contact and closeness and helps them feel safe. But at the point where you help the job gets done.

does that help?

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mum2one 10-27-2005 06:13 AM
Re: The Five Steps
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Yep, Thanks for that.

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Garnet 03-21-2006 03:11 AM
Re: The Five Steps
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is it just me or should step five come with a clause to it? I showed it to a few ap friends and they wonder how a child picking up toys goes from picking up toys, to a juvenile deliquent in need of restraint. often we use step 5 when my oldest ds gets out of control, but for the others we stop at step 3 or 4. I think they are right, and I almost wish I hadn't shown it to them, it makes us seem more punitive than we are.

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ArmsOfLove 03-22-2006 01:46 AM
Re: The Five Steps
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some children are just that intense I mean

Most often picking up toys does not requre the fifth step

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Garnet 03-22-2006 01:51 AM
Re: The Five Steps
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thats what I said and they were, I don't know Kelli.......ugh. Anyway, I'm over it. I know I'm not a punitive parent. There was all this stuff said about step 5 invading a childs space, and I was like you all *ARE* AP, right? Because as an AP parent, I don't have space. Lack of space is more like it. It might be unusual in some houses for a parent to hug their child after they've done a task they're asked to do, but not mine.

Thanks Crystal.

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sgreen 04-06-2006 04:59 PM
Re: The Five Steps
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Hugging a child when they're a bit out of control is much better than shouting and smacking.....

I find the 5 step method very helpful, and much more comforting for a child....

sometime other people's 'helpful feedback' tells you more about them and 'where they are' with stuff than about your progress...

God Bless you

sarah
xxx

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ArmsOfLove 04-21-2006 04:43 AM
Re: The Five Steps
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Originally Posted by mafiedler
Quote:
thats what I said and they were, I don't know Kelli.......ugh. Anyway, I'm over it. I know I'm not a punitive parent. There was all this stuff said about step 5 invading a childs space, and I was like you all *ARE* AP, right? Because as an AP parent, I don't have space. Lack of space is more like it. It might be unusual in some houses for a parent to hug their child after they've done a task they're asked to do, but not mine.

Thanks Crystal.
my guess is they lean towards TCS or define themselves as "gentle" but that plays out as permissive, or they just have incredibly compliant children who just cooperate

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mumw/lov 04-25-2006 09:57 PM
Re: The Five Steps
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Can I borrow you for a week. How do you do this when a baby is crying at the same time? I am a on demand nursing mother. Sometimes I have to choose I hate that. I try to correct the behavior as it is happening. Simple requests he refusses to listen to lately when I am tending to his brother.

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ArmsOfLove 04-25-2006 10:11 PM
Re: The Five Steps
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Sometimes it's a matter of stepping away from a baby for just long enough to give action to your words for a toddler and then get back to the baby, or live with the baby in a sling

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alexis 05-25-2006 05:12 AM
Re: The Five Steps
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Thank you so much for all of your ideas! I've tried the bear hug before. I was told that if I spoke softly to him and explained that I would let him go when he was calm that he would settle down. He usually loves snuggles and being held. The first time I did it, he screamed so hard that he puked. I didn't do that again. I felt horrible. He hates feeling restrained. I like the comfort corner idea for him. I could sit in it with him. Usually instead of a bear hug, we will sit on the couch and I will rub his back or sit with him. Is this sort of the same thing, if he doesn't like the bear hug? I will do more bear hugs during the day and see how he responds. I'll know right away whether it's working him up into a tizzy or if it's helping. Sorry I just hate that I feel like I sort of do time outs because he doesn't want me to hold him when he's mad for not getting his way etc. (He's a very strong willed 2 1/2yr old)
Thank you.

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Mama Rophe 05-25-2006 05:24 AM
Re: The Five Steps
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My ds doesn't like the bear hug thing either. He hates to be restrained. We also just do the comfort corner. I let him decide if he wants me to be next to him or not. He usually wants me close but not touching him until he has calmed a little bit.

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ArmsOfLove 05-25-2006 04:49 PM
Re: The Five Steps
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for a child who doesn't want to be restrained I absolutely respect that--though if they are attacking and it's a matter of keeping them, myself and others safe versus them being comfortable I always opt for safe. Otherwise, if they are not attacking, I'm nearby when they are ready, but give them their space

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alexis 05-26-2006 01:17 AM
Re: The Five Steps
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So I really thought about the bear hug. I give him positive loving bear hugs, so I wondered if my attitude was punitive when I was bear hugging him. I realized that instead of simple doing an over the shoulder bear hug on the spot, like you suggested, I would pick him up and bring him to a chair and be physically restraining him. This is not the same thing. I tried the "bear hug" today, and it worked beautifully. Since he's young, we went pretty quickly through the steps. We already did choices. Although I count, letting him know that when I get to three, he is choosing for me to help him, after the first steps. If he starts to lose it, I hug him. If he resists, I let go. One time today, we did the comfort corner because he was out of control and did not want to be hugged. He smiled. He also smiled after the hugs. Thank you so much for the great suggestions, and reassuring me that I am not raising a wild child by not doing time outs. I just need to respond lovingly to his behavior. He has actually been more calm and loving today! I used to do "time in" in the sling (or my other soft baby carrier), but I babywear the younger brother so much now, that I always forget that that is another "comfort corner" he really likes. Thanks again.

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ArmsOfLove 05-26-2006 02:12 AM
Re: The Five Steps
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awesome!

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masherrell 10-29-2006 02:14 AM
Re: The Five Steps
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Right now I feel like that little five step thing just saved my sanity. I am very new at this and I grew up in a family where there always is a consequence for an unwanted behavior and my mother and grandmother would make sure I remembered it.. I can't seem to erase that out of my mind. Everyone please pray for me.

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ArmsOfLove 10-29-2006 05:09 PM
Re: The Five Steps
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Originally Posted by alexis
Quote:
Thank you so much for all of your ideas! I've tried the bear hug before. I was told that if I spoke softly to him and explained that I would let him go when he was calm that he would settle down. He usually loves snuggles and being held. The first time I did it, he screamed so hard that he puked. I didn't do that again. I felt horrible. He hates feeling restrained. I like the comfort corner idea for him. I could sit in it with him. Usually instead of a bear hug, we will sit on the couch and I will rub his back or sit with him. Is this sort of the same thing, if he doesn't like the bear hug? I will do more bear hugs during the day and see how he responds. I'll know right away whether it's working him up into a tizzy or if it's helping. Sorry I just hate that I feel like I sort of do time outs because he doesn't want me to hold him when he's mad for not getting his way etc. (He's a very strong willed 2 1/2yr old)
Thank you.
with a child that averse to the Bear Hug I'd do a few things--only use the Bear Hug if he is being violent and aggressive as a means of keeping him and everyone safe; rely more on the Comfort Corner and space-respecting tools. I'd also encourage you to read Sensory Secrets and find some ways to work with him to be less touch averse Maybe jumping on a mini-trampoline to get some large muscle compression (the one my touch averse child loves )

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Mama Rophe 10-29-2006 10:03 PM
Re: The Five Steps
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Thanks for that recomendation Crystal. My 2 yo has never really liked the bear hug in a situation when it is needed. He loves hug's otherwise. When he is upset it just makes it ten times worse. I will see if my library has that book.

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Hopeful 11-23-2006 08:39 PM
Re: The Five Steps
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do you think a 15mo o;d is too young for the 5 steps?

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Lois 11-26-2006 03:38 AM
Re: The Five Steps
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we have used the 5 steps since we have needed to redirect DD which was once she became more mobile, which was about crawling time or close to it. So yes 15 mos is fine to use the 5 steps...sometimes we use them quicker then other times or squish them down to 3 steps.

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ArmsOfLove 11-26-2006 08:51 PM
Re: The Five Steps
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I use the language from birth and "help" includes redirecting, trading out, moving, etc. As they begin lashing out or expressing their frustration I use the Bear Hug to help them calm down

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mothemama 01-14-2007 12:16 PM
Re: The Five Steps
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I had never heard of this! I am going to try it with my 2 and 4 yo dd today! What do you do when you have more than one who needs a bear hug at the same time?? I'm strong but

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ArmsOfLove 01-14-2007 12:19 PM
Re: The Five Steps
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well the Bear Hug really only is needed if the child is melting down and becoming violent. Most things should be resolved at the helping stage. If two children do melt down together I pull them in the best I can. I've been known to bear hug one child with my arms and another with my legs

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TwinMommy03 03-03-2007 04:39 AM
Re: The Five Steps
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What do you do when they WANT you to 'help" them do EVERYTHING, to the point of enabling them? My ds would totally "let me" do everything for him. Even when he is physically capable.

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godsgracegiven 03-03-2007 05:04 AM
Re: The Five Steps
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dd can do the same.

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red_head_angel 04-28-2007 11:49 PM
Re: The Five Steps
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my 3 year old is in the same 'stage' right now. Luckily my 5 yr old grew out of it.

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NewLeaf 04-30-2009 07:41 PM
Re: The Five Steps
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Dd does this too.

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ReedleBeetle 04-30-2009 07:48 PM
Re: The Five Steps
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One thing I ahve done is to help with everything *before* they ask. "Here...let momma do that! Here....Momma needs to do XXXX" In a couple days he is all about "NO! Ikey do it byself!" Sometimes we do playful things, "You can put your socks on." "Oh, you don't want to? Well...let's BOUNCE really HIIIIIIGH! Ok...now put your sock on. We will bounce really high again after your sock is on." then we keep alternating him doing something and bouncing high. Also, doing trades, "I will help you with that, then you help mommy with _______." They love to feel like they are helping. It just depends on *what* they aren't doing. 3 year olds still need a *lot* of help even whent hey can do it by themsleves sometimes. It is hard to remember they can't do it by themsleves *all* the time.

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NovelMama 04-30-2009 08:10 PM
Re: The Five Steps
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AJ went through a phase like that. But it was just a phase--like most things with kids are--and eventually it passes, especially since they are usually eager to be self-sufficient and show how much they can do. I started 5 stepping A when she was 12 months, and I think the helping-with-everything phase came between 15-18 months and lasted less than a month. I saw it as a test--did I mean what I said when I told her I'd help? Would I really help or would I just try to cajole her to do it herself?

I know I go through phases of wanting someone to help me with everything--I just can't admit it because I'm an adult.

It'll pass, don't worry!
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