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Old 01-01-2018, 10:33 AM   #1
Aerynne
Rose Garden
 
 
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Default siblings arguing

I know I'm not new to this but for some reason I don't feel like I'm really doing anything about it.

We don't really have beating each other up- usually it's mean comments, or maybe one hit or push or physical action and then it's over. If I'm getting the baby down when it happens (which is usually, since they don't do it when I'm around) then I often don't find out about it until later.

The rule in our family is "Use words, and if that doesn't help, get a grown-up." but sometimes a grown-up is unavailable. But even if a grown-up is available, they often don't. I hear stuff like "I told her to get out three times but she wouldn't. So I gave her a tiny shove." (which violates our rule but I totally get responding like that, especially if I'm not available).

Dd2 (7) likes to egg people on a lot. Ds1 (10) gets annoyed a lot (obviously). In our family the siblings closest to each other in age have more trouble getting along- not sure if that is typical. So 10 yo has most trouble with the 7yo and the 7yo has trouble with both the 10yo and the 5yo. 5yo and 10yo are usually fine together.

So we talk a lot about these things after they happen but often it's "he said this" and "she did that" and it takes me forever to get the bottom of it (like dd2 says "he hit me" but doesn't mention that it was because she was doing something mean to him). Is it worth getting to the bottom of it and hashing these things out? Or is there some kind of good response to say "okay, moving on, when there is fighting we do X"? But I'm not sure what x is.

I've also had ds1 (the 10yo) tells me that he will hit or otherwise be mean to dd2 (the 7yo) when she is egging him on specifically because he knows that I won't do anything to her. He figures something bad should happen to her and knows I won't do it (I talk, but I don't specifically inflict something bad on her and he wants her to have something bad happen to her because of what she did). So because I don't punish, he figures he should punish her. Definitely not okay, and we've talked about it, but he can't remember in the moment.

Overall this isn't about any one kid- it's about the three middle kids, 10, 7, and 5, and how I should handle arguing, especially if I don't find out about it until later (I'll typically nurse dd3 down for a nap and then come out and find out about something that happened 10 minutes ago, for instance).
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Erin

born of water and of the Spirit 4/96
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Beth1231 (01-01-2018)
 
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