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Unprepared for Parenting (Ezzos, Pearls, Etc.) *Public* Support and information for those affected by the Ezzos, the Pearls, and other punitive and adversarial methods of child-rearing.
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23. No posts harshly dissecting parenting moments of others since we desire to humbly cultivate a heart attitude of grace and not judgment towards other mamas. We all struggle at times as parents and have much to learn, and GCM's focus is to provide tools and information for each of us to parent more effectively. Posts voicing some frustration regarding choices made by others can be okay, but it needs to be within the overall context of seeking understanding or ideas for better responses in the future.

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Old 05-05-2006, 07:14 PM   #1
WI Mama05
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Default What do you say? How do you explain it? We should have a script!

Yesterday I had a friend here that I haven't really seen or been close to in years. We started talking about parenting styles. She does co-sleep and EBF, but other than that I didn't know much about their style.

She flat out asked me "what do you do for discipline". I kinda didnt know what to say! I told her "grace based discipline" and she asked what that was I told her it was more positive than punitive - focused on giving the child choices and consequences for their choices. I just couldn't think straight. How do you explain it??

A friend has since told me I should have said it was treating our children the way Christ treats us, but in the heat of the moment....well, you know. This same friend (JJsmom) said we should have a script for when these questions come up.

Anyone? A simple way to explain it so I don't sound crazy?

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Old 05-05-2006, 07:27 PM   #2
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Default Re: What do you say? How do you explain it? We should have a script!

Just wanted to
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Old 05-05-2006, 08:17 PM   #3
Katherine
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Default Re: What do you say? How do you explain it? We should have a script!

It's a tough one to sum up, isn't it? I like JJsmom's answer.

I think my favorite short answers are:

1) that I want to disciple them. ( Most people think of discipleship as a nurturing, encouraging, teaching dynamic that happens between adult Christians... but then they hear "discipline" and immediately think punishment)

2) that I try to TEACH them in the context of a connected, mutually-respectful relationship.

3) We set reasonable, age-appropriate standards, and actively help the kids succeed at reaching the standard.

Quote:
She flat out asked me "what do you do for discipline".
I think the hard part about addressing this type of question is that it's often asked in a context which means "which punishments do you use on your kids?" I don't know if that was the case in this instance, though. I'm not good on-the-spot, but I guess if someone asked me that, I'd probably answer it with discipline=teaching in mind. So...

We try to teach what they *should* do by coaching and modeling the behavior we want to see.
We set them up for success by having age-appropriate expectations and by *helping*-- e.g. bridging the gap between their resources and our expectations when they can't meet the standard by themselves
We let them express their feelings and encourage them to have healthy boundaries for themselves and respect the boundaries that other people set.
We focus on helping them internalize principles (as opposed to demanding "good" outward behaviors) and on nurturing a respectful, connected relationship with them.
We pay attention to cues that something is not working, listen to the signals they send, and try to address any organic or circumstantial issues that are hindering their ability to succeed.
We nurture their inner person. "People who feel good act good." (ETA: I always think of Luke 6:45 when I hear this: The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings out that which is good, and the evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings out that which is evil, for out of the abundance of the heart, his mouth speaks.)
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Old 05-05-2006, 08:34 PM   #4
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Default Re: What do you say? How do you explain it? We should have a script!

Quote:
Originally Posted by palil


3) We set reasonable, age-appropriate standards, and actively help the kids succeed at reaching the standard.
I this!!!!!!


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Old 05-05-2006, 08:40 PM   #5
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Default Re: What do you say? How do you explain it? We should have a script!

How did your friend respond? With interest? OR did she seem weirded out?

Asking because I have not been able to really discuss GBD with any of my friends. We are in a totally pro-spanking church. My closest friend has a chart on her bathroom door, with a the number of swats her kids get for whatever they've done wrong.
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Old 05-06-2006, 05:24 AM   #6
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Default Re: What do you say? How do you explain it? We should have a script!

Quote:
My closest friend has a chart on her bathroom door, with a the number of swats her kids get for whatever they've done wrong.
how icky. An economy of punishment with spanking as the currency. The child can "purchase" any wrong-doing they wish, as long as their willing to pay the price listed for it. And it "ranks" the offenses, too... like some things are more or less wrong than others.
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Old 05-06-2006, 08:39 AM   #7
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Default Re: What do you say? How do you explain it? We should have a script!

Quote:
Originally Posted by HuggaBuggaMommy
How did your friend respond? With interest? OR did she seem weirded out?
She just kinda didn't say anything. I think they might spank, but I didn't get into it with her (with 5 kids running around it was hard to stick to one subject).

Quote:
Originally Posted by HuggaBuggaMommy
Asking because I have not been able to really discuss GBD with any of my friends. We are in a totally pro-spanking church. My closest friend has a chart on her bathroom door, with a the number of swats her kids get for whatever they've done wrong.
That is so wrong! Oh My!
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Old 05-06-2006, 10:42 AM   #8
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Default Re: What do you say? How do you explain it? We should have a script!

One thing that I have used is:

"I have found that redirecting goes a lot further than simply saying 'no-no' a bunch of times, yelling or swatting."

Paula's suggestions are wonderful!
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Old 05-06-2006, 01:25 PM   #9
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Default Re: What do you say? How do you explain it? We should have a script!


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Old 05-07-2006, 04:27 AM   #10
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Default Re: What do you say? How do you explain it? We should have a script!

IThis is such a good thread. I've thought a lot about this since you posted it and it is had to come up with a concise answer! When I've been asked or talking about discipline I've never had to give a two sentance answer. Usually it has been in the context of a specific parenting problem or situation so that makes it a lot easier. Generally, though, I stay away from "I don't spank" and focus more on things like figuring out what is behind the behavior, natural consequences (where appropriate) and setting kids up for success. If pressed I might say that books like "How to Really Love Your Child" "Raising Your Spirited Child" "Families Where Grace is In Place" and "Mission of Motherhood" have strongly influenced my parenting style.

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Old 05-07-2006, 07:58 AM   #11
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Default Re: What do you say? How do you explain it? We should have a script!

Quote:
but in the heat of the moment....well, you know
yes I know exactly what you mean. I get all flustered and then think of great answers an hour later
Sounds like you managed to say more than I would so well done

Quote:
My closest friend has a chart on her bathroom door, with a the number of swats her kids get for whatever they've done wrong.
That is just horrible



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Old 05-07-2006, 10:00 AM   #12
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Default Re: What do you say? How do you explain it? We should have a script!

That is kind of cool that she asked you outright. IME people are more likely to bring this up by saying "I found out I HAD to spank when they started doing blah blah" Or anecdotes: "Do you remember Kim? She doesn't spank, and her kids stay up all night eating ice cream and calling her names." I panic too in these situation. I have so many thoughts, feelings and fears they tend to "flood" me.

I try to communicate my connection with them, as parents, like "That's the big question, isn't it? I'm really driven to seek the best discipline for my children. I know I turned out fine, but I really want to learn from my experience and see if there's something even better out there." And my enthusiasm for GBD: "I found this GREAT website, made some friends who are really helping me figure things out." And my commitment to boundaries and authority: "I want my kids to know what's expected of them, and what our families rules are." Then from there (if they're still listening) I would talk about how I see discipline as "helping and teaching," etc. I wouldn't go into spanking unless asked outright. Then I say "I can't allow myself to spank and DH won't spank. So I have to be creative and think of everything I can to avoid it."

And you could say "hey I read this great book, I'll see if I can find it." Then you can follow up (emailing a link, lending the book) at a time when you have your thoughts more in order. So you're not so pressured in the moment.

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Old 04-18-2012, 02:54 PM   #13
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Default Re: What do you say? How do you explain it? We should have a script!

edited- something weird happened and I accidentally posted here! oops!

Last edited by Mokek Kwe; 04-18-2012 at 05:59 PM.
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Old 04-18-2012, 04:09 PM   #14
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Default Re: What do you say? How do you explain it? We should have a script!

subbing (can't find the popcorn smilie)
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Old 04-18-2012, 08:04 PM   #15
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Default Re: What do you say? How do you explain it? We should have a script!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mokek Kwe View Post
edited- something weird happened and I accidentally posted here! oops!
It might have been a mistake but I've enjoyed this thread so thanks
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