As a child, were you punitively parented?

[LearningMama]

Originally Posted by MaryPoppinsIAin't

Before I get started, I want to address something... I feel that it's important to share our stories, even the traumatic ones, where the public can see them. So they can see that those whose parents were loving but punitive still look for a better way. So they can see that those who were abused are NOT weak or broken, but that we survived, grew up, and determined that our children would never see the inside of that hell.

I really thought I had turned out ok with the spanking/hitting. Through GCM and blogs I learned I turned out ok in-spite of the spanking/hitting. I'm so so glad I found this place when my son was only a few months old.

Originally Posted by MaryPoppinsIAin't

If my husband knew what goes through my head some nights when the baby won't stop screaming, he'd never let me near JJ again.

I realized months before JJ was born that I could. not. allow. any sort of physical punishment to even be in my parenting toolbox. If I allowed myself to swat a hand, I would eventually smack a bottom, if I allowed myself the bare handed spanking, a spatula or wooden spoon wouldn't be far behind. Worst of all, I realized I didn't trust myself to know when to stop.

I can relate to all of this. I can't believe the scary feelings I've had. Thankfully I have enough self-control to not act out on anything. Counseling has helped a lot. Physical discipline is not.an.option for me either. I'm so afraid I would not know when to stop. I believe my moms anger and rage came from a hard childhood and failed relationships. I've done everything I could to make sure I do not repeat the cycle.

[Daria_Aleksandrovna]

I can't remember my toddler years very much - some smacking yes, but not so much control and shaming. I remember affections far more.

What I still remember most is when i was older - consciously pushing and pushing and pushing my parents just to see how far I can go with my obnoxious words. Guess, what? Yes my parents lost it and beat cr*p out of me.

We had happy relationship but when they got annoyed with me, I'd make it as unpleasant for them as possible and they retaliated badly and then it was all vicious cycle...I was never good at stopping and just admit and saying sorry. Neither were they.

I am close with them, love and affections all round, sometimes we remember our horrible scandals... But I do hope I have more patience to nip it all in the bud before things get all out of control when my boys are older.

My parents had really poor conflict resolution skills - no wonder they divorced 26 years later after all verbal abuse and tit-for-tat they inflicted on each other instead of just stopping and saying sorry.

Thankfully my DH is wonderful wonderful - it's too hard to have vicious arguments with him.

[SewingGreenMama]

I was punitively punished too. My dad would react out of anger so he usually left the discipline to mom after he took it too far with me one time at age 5, he never spanked me again, though he often talked to me about what I did and grounded me or did other punishments, but after that he left any physical punishing to mom. Mom never spanked out of anger (that I remember) and the only time she ever slapped my brother was when he thought it was ok to cuss her out because the math problem he did was wrong, she without anger (at least she didn't show it if she was angry) stepped over and slapped his mouth, gave him his math and told him to go to his room and try again, he could come out when he thought he'd gotten it right. Dad came home and had a long conversation on how he was expected to respect and treat mom.

I now disagree with punitive punishment (I started out parenting punitively, but my temper is like my dads, and I scared myself a couple of times when I saw myself starting to follow after my dad, so I began to try and find other methods besides spanking), but I don't believe I was abused, when my dad realized his temper was too volatile to spank us he left it too mom. I have a great relationship with my mom and dad.

I think the thing that caused the biggest rift between me and mom, one that hasn't fully been healed yet is the fact that when I did something wrong she would be on the phone for hours telling every single one of her church friends every single detail about it.
I understand that she was frustrated and needed advise since dad was never home, that's ok. One church friend in particular I didn't mind her talking to because I knew that she loved me no matter what and it wouldn't be talked about over a cup of coffee with anyone but my mom. If she had kept it to that one church friend I don't think it would have been an issue between us. But I stopped confiding in her because then the entire church would know and that was humiliating.

This is why I'm VERY careful about who I tell when my children do anything to annoy me, and I NEVER do it when they are within hearing. Sometimes I slip up, but I apologize and learn from it.

Originally Posted by MrsHutch

It's taken me a long time to understand that good decisions should be made because they honor God, not because you are afraid of getting caught in a bad decision. That is one of the biggest things that drew me to GBD. I never developed a moral compass for myself because for a long time I based every decision on, "will my mom kill me (not literally, but YKWIM) if she finds out about this?" and "what will other people think about me if they find out?" I want my children to make good decisions because they are good and right and pleasing to the Father, not because they are afraid of getting caught.

The bold is how I looked at life as a kid too. The italics is how I want my kids to live...though I didn't know how to put it...thank you MrsHutch;985270!

---------- Post added at 11:28 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:22 PM ----------

Originally Posted by Katherine

coming back later...

LOL eating pop corn right now. my fav snack!

---------- Post added 06-02-2012 at 12:55 AM ---------- Previous post was 06-01-2012 at 11:28 PM ----------

You know, I only read a few responses before I wrote the above. I didn't mean to lie, in fact I really can't call it lying, because a few minutes ago it was true.
I have very few memories of my childhood. I had a relatively mild childhood, esp in comparison to my husband, who also has very few memories of his childhood.

I think of his childhood and think abuse, a mother who put herself first, cigarettes and beer were the top of the priority list, even if it meant no electricity and my hubby had to wear last years coat that was 4" too small or eat hot dogs and ramen for 2 weeks breakfast, lunch, and dinner (he actually saw a discovery channel special on those monks who can control their body temperatures to the point where they could walk out in the snow in their underwear or go swimming under the ice in normal swim trunks, because he so often didn't have a coat that fit he learn this trick and eventually didn't even need a coat). He was beaten by all of his step dads (they of course called it spanking, but it wasn't), except his current one who was a great dad to him once he showed up when hubby was around 15 I think.
The only reason he is a Christian now, is he spent nearly all his summers with a Christian friend and his wife, both were childless and took hubby under their wing. They both passionately love the Lord.

I'm avoiding the issue...I see his childhood as abuse, and it was severely so, but I have had blinders on to my own abuse.
Yes, my parents are wonderful people who I love dearly and have a great relationship with now. They knew no other way of parenting, they listened to the Dobbsens(sp?) often, our church agreed with punitive punishment, they followed Charles Spurgeon (I think that is the right guy, he preached against origianl sin, invented the alter call, and said if you don't feel saved then you must have lost it and need to pray again, if I have the wrong name down feel free to correct me),
In our church if your a Christian then you are free from sin (true), therefore if you commit the same sin and can't seem to stop then you either were never a Christian, only thought you were, or you lost your Christianity and must re pray the prayer (false ) if you were a true Christian you could just stop by your own power now, since the Holy Spirit's power is now your power.
Ex, my dad struggled with smoking and alcoholism most of his adult life, when he went for help, council, and accountability, he got a lecture, and a few weeks later when asked how he was doing and admitting he was still really struggling rolled their eyes at him and told him he should be over it by now, the physical addiction was gone and if he was a Christian there should be no mental addiction...remembering this now as an adult my heart breaks for my father, no wonder he is a loner who prefers to bury himself in work or movies/books. My brother is the same because the boys in the church were just like their dads and my brother was different, didn't like sports, was very imaginative, created a whole amazing world in his head which he often played acted out, the boys told him he would never have a wife because no woman would want such a 'pussy fag', their words (I'm not sure if that is against the rules, I'm new and trying to figure them out, if so let me know and I'll edit).
My mom and all 5 of her siblings were severely emotionally, physically, spiritually, sexually abused my my Grandfather, ignored and neglected by my Grandmother.
My Jesus is amazing and what he has done in mom is amazing. But it has been a terribly painful, slow road.
Though we were spanked as kids they abandoned it before I was 9. I was rarely punished or disciplined after this, my brother was, and interestingly enough I was jealous, I always thought my parents loved him more, because I knew the verse that says if you love your kids you'll discipline them, I thought punishment was discipline. Later as adults I found out that He thought they loved me more because I wasn't punished. I think mom and dad were afraid to punish me, afraid because of the abuse she endured, and I think they were afraid of not punishing my brother, afraid of what he would turn out to be if he wasn't punished.
Been talking to hubby.
I don't know what to think. If I need to talk to a councilor, we can't afford it. I don't know if my church offers it free or what the fee is. I just know in the past 15 minutes something has changed in my heart, it feels heavy, I'm trying to box it in I can feel it I'm afraid of what might come out, and I'm afraid that I'll succeed in boxing it back up to fester and hide. I'm wondering why I have so few memories of my childhood, just like my husband. When I try to remember it is like a dark gauzy curtian is in the way, sometimes something will trigger a memory, and the veil will temporarily blow aside and I'll see it clearly. But it doesn't happen often.
Thanks for listening.

[SubarbanHippie]

I was very much punitively parented as a child. Oddly enough, my mother also swung far to the permissive/overly praising side in squelch her guilt or to try and build our self-esteem. I honestly think her over bearing, overly protective, quick to praise, but swift to criticize ways caused me a lot of issues with insecurity and anxiety as an adult. She has since apologized, and we've really healed over the past few years. She is really supportive of how I have chosen to parent my DC, which is awesome.

[CapeTownMommy]

I was very punitively parented. I received my last spanking when I was probably 15 or 16, I'm not sure. And even years later, I was at university so 20 or so, my dad got angry at me one weekend when I was home, he picked me up, carried me over his shoulder to their bedroom, literally threw me down on the bed and proceeded to shout at me, in my face. I've blocked most of that memory out so I honestly can't even remember what it was about.

I have little relationship with my parents now. It took me years to really get distance from them to see things as they really are, even after I had my own kids. I care about them, but I have little desire to talk to them or spend time with them. Our relationship is very superficial. They are aware that we are closer to dh's parents (who are AWESOME and would have been 100% GBD if they knew what it was when dh was a child) - and jealous of it but they think it's our fault for not being better children to them.

Being parented punitively has affected me negatively in other was as well. My default when I think I'm in trouble is still to lie about it - for example at work I have to really focus to decide to tell the truth when I made a mistake, my subconscious response is always to try and hide it because I'll be punished. Which isn't even true in my work environment, but I've been programmed that doing something wrong means you have to hide it or you'll hate the consequence. I've lied to dh before so he won't know I did something he wouldn't like, and then had to go back to him and explain that I lied and why. I hate that my mind works like this now.

I also deal with massive anger issues, from the bad example my dad set. I stay calm for a while and then I explode with all the bottled-up frustration. I take 5-HTP daily now and it helps to keep me on an even keel.

For my kids, I want them to know that making mistakes are OK, it's human and it's more important to learn from mistakes than to be punished for them. I also want them to know that I love them regardless of what they do wrong. I was a "good kid" in the sense that I never got into bad stuff, never got drunk or did drugs or had sex - but I also knew at the time that if something bad did happen to me I would never have been able to tell my parents because they would have punished me for it.

I don't think of my parents as abusive people - my dad has come a long, long way to manage his anger, he is actually very pleasant to be around nowadays. I think they did the best they knew how, but I also know that their choices were default ones, they didn't spend a lot of time thinking about what is best for us or how to do better by their children. At least in my home growing up, punitive parenting was a selfish choice for my parents - they chose it because it was the path of least resistance, amongst other things. It's much easier to take out your frustration on your child's backside and afterwards feel relief from the frustration and also see tears etc. which you can choose to see as real regret. I remember receiving a spanking and choosing not to cry, and then being spanked again because I'm obviously not sorry yet - and then choosing to cry so that they can just stop hitting me. I think it made my parents feel better about themselves if they've "taught me" that what I did was wrong.

Anyway, I still have big feelings about a lot of this. And I just hope my kids will never have to work through these feelings. I fail them daily - but I want to do better, and I apologise to them when I fail (something my parents have never done). I tell them that I love them (again, I think my parents may have said that to me twice or three times in my life). I want them to know that nothing bad can be big enough that my love for them can't overcome it. I would have had such comfort in my life if that was true of my parents - and I want to create that for my kids.

[ReedleBeetle]

Originally Posted by ReedleBeetle

I was punitively parented. I used to think I was "just" spanked. Now I see it was more than that. I got my last spanking when I was SEVENTEEN. It was one of only a few as a teen. I have really struggled with my relationship with my parents, but it is finally getting better and better. I am pretty close to my mom now, but I don't think she knows that we are not spanking. She does NOT punish any of her grandchildren, so I am not worried about her (or my dad really) punishing our kids. Not like I am my MIL! Anyway, I don't want to go further on a public board.

Haha.....well...that l changed and the person we trust to take care of him is MIL!!! Everyone knows now...

[AdrienneQW]

RiAnnon, reading your first post in this thread is what made me realize the thread had to be old - and yep, it's initially from 2007!

[starbyfar7]

I was

My parents tried to keep the lines of communication open.. and whenever I acted out or misbehaved (often and many times I got away with it because I was super sneaky) we would have a huge discussion together about what the problem is, why I was wrong, how we can fix the problem, and a family prayer where we would ask for guidance.. but there was always the consequences to be dealt with after our discussion.. which always consisted of my father's belt

Instead of learning from my mistakes and staying out of trouble to avoid the belt.. I would learn to be sneakier and sneakier to continue doing what I wanted to do..

Fast forward to my children.. I knew that my parents had the best of intentions but that those kinds of punishments did not get the message across.. I knew I would have to do something different in order to make sure I was reaching my daughters heart as opposed to forcing my will upon her.. I took a biblical parenting class at my church where they were ALL about beating your children into submission.. The group leader once told us a story about how he spanked his son for over an hour trying to "break his will".. Apparently his son (4) was throwing a tantrum and crying, so he was spanking him to make him stop.. but he wouldn't stop because he was being beaten.. so he kept spanking him so he would stop! Most of the parents were like at this story eventhough we all were of the mindset that the only way to parent was via spankings and rules.. But its actually the first time I started questioning the idea that my daughter NEEDED to be spanked..

[GraceAlone]

I was smacked as a child but I had a very happy childhood. I grew up believing that smacking was a necessary discipline tool and it wasn't until after I'd had my first child that I started to doubt that. Now I realise that I turned out fine in-spite of spanking because my parents were great at showing me that they loved me no matter what. The one negative effect that I can pinpoint is that my moral compass is based around fear of what other people would think/say.

[Bethany89]

Most definitely, but I should venture to say.. I wasn't really a bad kid lol.. I only remember being spanked a few times.. It was the fear of spanking I do remember.. But, my sister was a whole different child.. so I can share the story about her.. My sister is a wild child, very spirited, mean at times, down right nasty at times.. and even now, at 14 (almost 15) is downright nasty.. We think she has some mental things like.. anxiety, possibly bipolar disorder, but unfortunately my mother just now is starting to seek aid from doctors.. Anyway, I remember her spanking my sister so hard and so many times in a row I would cry and accuse her of abusing my sister. According to her, she tried other disciplining techniques, but from like 2 years old on.. I remember the spankings my sister received and bawling as i listened to it and her crying from the spanking.. But, she never changed her behavior. It never worked and it went on.. for years.. My parents had no idea what to do and everyone just kept saying spank her, she will learn.. so they did.. and I can picture it in my head. Now, I do think my sister has lasting problems from that.. on top of the problems she has naturally..

[Whirlwind]

My parents spanked my sibling and I when we were growing up, but it wasn't as harsh as most of my friend's or cousin's seemed to get it from their parents. We were spanked rarely, but hugged and cuddled constantly. Overall, I have a really great relationship with my parents. I love and respect them very much.

So when I was studying to be a social worker and took my first child welfare class, it was quite a challenge to me to read all of the studies documenting the negative effects of physical punishment. My knee-jerk response was the typical "Well, I turned out fine." I think on some level that I didn't want to acknowledge that maybe my parents weren't perfect. Finally, a professor made the comment that most parents just try to do the best they can with the knowledge that they have. Just because my parents may have made mistakes doesn't mean they were bad parents. They didn't have access to all the information that I do today. They did what they thought was right, but I can do differently. That was a very freeing thought.

Once I allowed myself to really look at parenting objectively without feeling like I was judging or criticizing my own parents, things got very simple. Hitting isn't nice, so I won't do it. That decision led me to the idea of AP, which I really like. I also learned more about the negative effects of other punitive techniques (yelling, traditional time-outs, etc.).

In retrospect, I can definitely see how spanking did have a negative effect on me, even if I supposedly "turned out fine". I have a tendency to internalize negative emotions. For a long time I struggled with self-harming behaviors, like cutting or scratching my skin. I think this in part stemmed from that idea that you have to suffer pain if you've messed up. I don't remember too many of my own spankings, but I definitely remember when my sister would get spanked. I would get so upset. I would feel terrible that she was being hurt and that I wasn't helping her. A good person stands up for others who are being hurt, right? So I would run as far as I could from the sounds of her crying and try to distract myself from my sadness/guilt by scratching myself until I'd leave red marks all over my legs. Self-inflicted pain can be a very effective way to distract yourself, but it is obviously unhealthy. Statistically, children who are hit are much more likely to engage in cutting. Sadly, I fit that statistic for a while. Fortunately, that is behind me. Hopefully, my children will never know what it is like.[COLOR="Silver"]

[Auroras mom]

I don't know if I have responded to this thread, but spanking is not the main or only criteria for determining if you were parented punitively.

I was definitely spanked.

Edited b/c it is apublic forum.

I think the main thing is that they had a compelling urge to *control* me, in every aspect.

[HadassahSukkot]

Yes, but I do not want to get into it here.