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11-13-2011, 06:18 AM | #151 | |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 15,480
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Re: Yelling Support Thread
Quote:
I think the ages of your kids, it's an exercise in to expect consideration...I don't think they can see outside the *me* perspective yet. Are you finding new tools to help you stop yelling? Have you been able to id your triggers?
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Swimming with Sharks Loving my DH for 19 years 'Pete' 8.5 yo dd 'Dragonfly' 6 yo ds the new kid is 3.5 yo ds always remembering the one I didn't get to hold Mary has been healed by the blood of the lamb
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11-13-2011, 06:58 AM | #152 | |
Rose Garden
In my world everyone's a pony
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Where everyone eats rainbows and poops butterflies
Posts: 11,743
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Re: Yelling Support Thread
Quote:
I know I have struggled with this. Maybe it's time to reassess your expectations and peruse some resources on the developmental stages of children. It takes a lot to grow out of the egocentric (i say that in the scientific way not as an insult) mindset of a child. They can't see beyond their experiences. They are interested in instant gratification and are impulsive. They aren't thinking how their actions effect your plan for the day. They're thinking about what seems like fun right now. It helps me to know this because it helps me not yell. When I shift my expectations to what is developmentally appropriate, I am calmer and more patient.
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I'm Megan (ENFP, DYT Type 1)
Married since 2007 to my Apple-geeky artist Don (INTJ) Mommy to Lydia (1/08) "Nature is really dirty" Charlotte (7/10) "me am not chawlotte me are batman" Introducing Nolan January 11, 2014 |
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11-13-2011, 08:10 AM | #153 |
Rose Garden
ORANGE you glad I made a new avatar? :D
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,084
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Re: Yelling Support Thread
I don't think it's that you're not changing, it's just a slow process. It's hard to see it when it's yourself. I've expected myself to change drastically several times....I set these goals for myself, and I fail. It's so much harder to forgive yourself, but if I look back over the last year, I've changed a LOT. People tell me they look to me for advice as a mother because of my patience and insight. Qualities I didn't have a year ago. I know coming here helps, and reading everything I can find and re-reading it...it's a process. If you're here, that's a HUGE step. That's progress because it shows a desire to do better.
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11-13-2011, 09:01 AM | #154 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: ..
Posts: 10,737
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Re: Yelling Support Thread
Have they grown immune to *HEARING* the yelling?
[/QUOTE] They do mind the yelling. I was saying that they must not mind from a place of resentment that they were going to make a mess anyway, when there was only a 0.000001% chance that making a baby powder cloud in the living room, then spreading it further, then running outside (one in a bikini on a cold day) to spread the neighbor's leaf pile all over the road while I was putting the baby down for a nap and trying to relax myself enough that we could get it together and get out of the house wouldn't set me off. In the sense that me yelling should have been predictable the moment they touched the baby powder that they'd been told not to touch... I get that they're just doing what's fun in the moment. I think like that myself sometimes. I just wasn't very empathetic while I was sitting in the middle of a white living room that wasn't white a few minutes before and unable to deal with the leaf mess because I didn't trust them not to come out of dd1's room and make the baby powder mess worse. We're still functional enough that the kids are able to remind me not to yell if I do yell. For this occasion, they were not allowed to leave dd1's room even though they wanted to clean up the mess because there just wasn't going to be any productive communication going on while I was dealing with that mess.
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DS (12), DD (10), DD2 (7) And my kids were going to behave perfectly all the time and if they didn't, they'd be Dobsoned, but I was going to Dobson so perfectly that they'd know not to slip up but once or twice because I was going to be sooooooo consistent and awesome and wise. |
11-13-2011, 11:38 AM | #155 |
Rose Garden
In my world everyone's a pony
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Where everyone eats rainbows and poops butterflies
Posts: 11,743
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Re: Yelling Support Thread
They do mind the yelling. I was saying that they must not mind from a place of resentment that they were going to make a mess anyway, when there was only a 0.000001% chance that making a baby powder cloud in the living room, then spreading it further, then running outside (one in a bikini on a cold day) to spread the neighbor's leaf pile all over the road while I was putting the baby down for a nap and trying to relax myself enough that we could get it together and get out of the house wouldn't set me off. In the sense that me yelling should have been predictable the moment they touched the baby powder that they'd been told not to touch...
I get that they're just doing what's fun in the moment. I think like that myself sometimes. I just wasn't very empathetic while I was sitting in the middle of a white living room that wasn't white a few minutes before and unable to deal with the leaf mess because I didn't trust them not to come out of dd1's room and make the baby powder mess worse. We're still functional enough that the kids are able to remind me not to yell if I do yell. For this occasion, they were not allowed to leave dd1's room even though they wanted to clean up the mess because there just wasn't going to be any productive communication going on while I was dealing with that mess.[/QUOTE] how frustrating.
__________________
I'm Megan (ENFP, DYT Type 1)
Married since 2007 to my Apple-geeky artist Don (INTJ) Mommy to Lydia (1/08) "Nature is really dirty" Charlotte (7/10) "me am not chawlotte me are batman" Introducing Nolan January 11, 2014 |
11-13-2011, 07:05 PM | #156 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Rainy Oregon
Posts: 8,997
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Re: Yelling Support Thread
Not a good day Please pray for us.
Last edited by shaslove; 11-29-2011 at 09:08 PM. |
The Following 8 Users Say they are praying for shaslove: | canadiyank (11-13-2011), Daria_Aleksandrovna (11-29-2011), Dovenoir (11-14-2011), Soaring Eagle (11-13-2011), swimming with sharks (11-13-2011), Tandem mama (11-13-2011), ThreeKids (11-13-2011), WalkByFaith (11-13-2011) |
11-13-2011, 07:48 PM | #158 |
Rose Garden
In my world everyone's a pony
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Where everyone eats rainbows and poops butterflies
Posts: 11,743
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Re: Yelling Support Thread
We had a good moment. Lydia was goofing around to stall leaving my parents' house. Everyone was laughing and playing around but it was getting to be too much delaying. My dad and sister got frustrated and my dad started to snap. He said "that's not funny anymore there's a time to play and a time to stop. You have to stop." Lydia started to get "defiant" for lack of better word and push her play activity because it was just getting laughs moments before.
I stepped in and said "pick a number and play until I get there" she picked seventeen so I counted and she then said "ok I'm done playing but I'm dead now. I'll cooperate because dead people don't wiggle" This would have been a time I would've yelled and reacted as my dad and sister. When they said stop and she wasn't ready, she "defied" them by continuing to play. I stepped in before it escalated but before gcm I'd have been frustrated right with them. I'd have gotten mad she wouldn't listen and I'd have yelled. She'd have cried and screamed and fought and continued "defying" me. I now realize that she doesn't understand why one minute we are all laughing then the next it's not ok for her to keep playing her game. She can't switch gears that quickly. For us, letting her pick a number and counting down to transition works because it's a more tangible way to move from silliness to leaving. It's an easier way for her to transition from activity to activity.
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I'm Megan (ENFP, DYT Type 1)
Married since 2007 to my Apple-geeky artist Don (INTJ) Mommy to Lydia (1/08) "Nature is really dirty" Charlotte (7/10) "me am not chawlotte me are batman" Introducing Nolan January 11, 2014 |
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Tandem mama For This Useful Post: | canadiyank (11-13-2011), filmgirl2911 (11-14-2011), jmom1984 (11-14-2011), justbreathe (11-14-2011), Soliloquy (11-14-2011) |
11-13-2011, 08:47 PM | #159 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: ..
Posts: 10,737
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Re: Yelling Support Thread
More mayhem today. The kids threw chocolate chips all over the basement. They may be in boxes that were open. It'll take me weeks to sort through everything, plenty time for the chocolate-loving pantry moths to get another foothold. They can lay eggs around a morsel like that for who knows how many generations. I may take my chances with a mediocre job because I'll lose ground supervising the kids (preventing other messes) to take on a clean-up project that thorough.
Yes, I yelled a lot. I let them help me a little this time. It's a bigger disaster than the baby powder bomb, so maybe it's progress that I trusted myself to be around them, even though I would still be fussing at them. Dd1 still got sent away when she wasn't helping anymore. They're being sent away so they'll get yelled at less. I don't know how they're interpreting it.
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DS (12), DD (10), DD2 (7) And my kids were going to behave perfectly all the time and if they didn't, they'd be Dobsoned, but I was going to Dobson so perfectly that they'd know not to slip up but once or twice because I was going to be sooooooo consistent and awesome and wise. |
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11-14-2011, 09:03 AM | #160 |
Deactivated
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 379
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Re: Yelling Support Thread
Is anyone in this thread interested in doing the Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline 7 week challenge?
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11-14-2011, 09:42 AM | #161 | |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 4,782
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Re: Yelling Support Thread
Quote:
As for yelling here today . . . had a bit of a rough bump in the mid-morning; but we're starting the day over now that I've showered and everyone's had something to eat. My trigger was the family drama I've been addressing with my FOO - this gets my anger seething and it gets directed in the wrong places. I've put my FOO back in my mental box until I meet with my counselor tonight. That makes a huge difference for me
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~ judith blessed with a creative, encouraging man of God for my husband since October 2001 blessed with a delightful, creative little girl since February 2008 blessed with a sweet {but sometimes fierce} empathetic little girl since April 2010 word on the street is I am an ENFP For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. |
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11-14-2011, 09:52 AM | #162 |
Climbing Rose
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 1,440
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Re: Yelling Support Thread
Hi, my name is riches, and I yell.
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11-14-2011, 10:04 AM | #163 |
Rosebud
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: the middle of nowhere
Posts: 80
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Re: Yelling Support Thread
I'm glad I found this thread. I resort to yelling, despite the fact that I do not like it. I don't think it is fruitful at all and it makes me feel empty and helpless. I really try to cope differently. Worst are the days when my DH is gone for days (military), DD is teething badly (aka no sleep) and DS just refuses to listen to anything I say. I know it's his age and stage, and I know I have to be better for them, it's just a long and hard way to get there. I just need to find a way to address DS's hmmm developmental stage? I'm praying for more patience. I really do lack it.
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DH and me = DS (8-2008), DD (1-2011) and our two kitty cats! |
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11-14-2011, 10:10 AM | #164 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 4,782
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Re: Yelling Support Thread
okay - I just bought the Kindle version and am starting to read
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~ judith blessed with a creative, encouraging man of God for my husband since October 2001 blessed with a delightful, creative little girl since February 2008 blessed with a sweet {but sometimes fierce} empathetic little girl since April 2010 word on the street is I am an ENFP For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. |
11-14-2011, 10:41 AM | #165 |
Rose Bush
Five Generations of Ladies <3
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Indiana
Posts: 335
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Re: Yelling Support Thread
I would! I have started the book, but I'm only about 4 chapters in. Would I have to have it finished to do the challenge? There is SO MUCH in that book that I have to read it slowly. And I have a feeling I would be able to read it 10 times and still be learning! So much good stuff in there. I would love the accountability of a group doing it together, too.
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Jessica (ISFJ) Married to John 6/18/05 Mama to Julia Faith 9/30/07 Jenna Hope 12/16/09 James Anthony & John Michael 4/4/13
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