I think I'm doing the bear hug wrong

[CelticJourney]

I'm wondering if maybe a step back to see what they really need deep down might help. They might be saying they need to know you care that they are upset enough to stop and acknowledge that. A comfort corner can be a built in 'I care, even if I can't give you what you think you want'.... buy some soft and lovely pillow and blankets. Make it special....maybe a tent shape or something. And be willing to go there with them. Even go there first and invite them to come and join you to 'take a moment to calm down'.

[Soliloquy]

Originally Posted by MrsHutch

ETA: They aren't a safety threat when they're upset. Just a threat to my sanity.

If their behavior is upsetting you, then you need to walk away (or something). They're little. They ARE going to have a huge fuss when they're upset. They will outgrow it with time and teaching. Work on what you can do to keep your cool. That is excellent teaching by doing. A bear hug should never be used to keep the parent from losing his/her cool.

Originally Posted by MrsHutch

The problem is that little J storms off, climbs in his crib, and bangs his head on his pillow when he gets upset. So he is walking away when he's upset, but not in a healthy way, and I don't know how to help him deal with being upset in a healthy way.

What's unhealthy about that? Since it's a pillow, he's not hurting himself and he is probably working off the adrenaline from his upset. I think that's a very good coping skill for a young child, especially one with special needs.

[wildswede]

Any type of hold or restraint should only be used when all other methods have failed and there is risk of immediate danger to the child or others and restraint is the ONLY way to keep that danger from becoming a reality. Especially, if you are dealing with children who are foster/adopted children and have likely had some sort of trauma in the past, restraints can and will retraumatize a child. I'm not sure if you've had any intervention training, but many recent standards require the person restrained to have one arm free at all times--- you may get pinched or scratched, but from my own experience using one-arm holds, the child will calm down much faster. Another warning, if the child is struggling against the hold, you need to stop, that means that the child is transferring their anger/frustrations from whatever the original stimuli was to you and that is something you want to avoid. If you are needing to use restraints but you haven't been formally trained on intervention systems, I really, really beg you to do so and ask questions, lots of questions. There is so much that can be done before you need to use a restraint. There are many training programs out there, I am certified in the Mandt System and it is wonderful, it focuses primarily on building healthy relationships and learning to recognize the pieces of the crisis cycle and develop tools for each part so you may be able to avoid the need for restraint. Also, restraint should only be done for a maximum of three minutes, during crisis, the body releases two chemicals that can cause death, catecholemine (sp?) and rhabdomyolysis (sp?). After using a restraint, it is very important to observe the child for signs of distress for up to 24 hours.

[Dovenoir]

Originally Posted by wildswede

Mandt System and it is wonderful, it focuses primarily on building healthy relationships and learning to recognize the pieces of the crisis cycle and develop tools for each part so you may be able to avoid the need for restraint. Also, restraint should only be done for a maximum of three minutes, during crisis, the body releases two chemicals that can cause death, catecholemine (sp?) and rhabdomyolysis (sp?). After using a restraint, it is very important to observe the child for signs of distress for up to 24 hours.

Thank you.

I don't know why this information isn't out there more readily. Especially for parents with special needs kids and foster children.

[ArmsOfLove]

Originally Posted by wildswede

Any type of hold or restraint should only be used when all other methods have failed and there is risk of immediate danger to the child or others and restraint is the ONLY way to keep that danger from becoming a reality. Especially, if you are dealing with children who are foster/adopted children and have likely had some sort of trauma in the past, restraints can and will retraumatize a child. I'm not sure if you've had any intervention training, but many recent standards require the person restrained to have one arm free at all times--- you may get pinched or scratched, but from my own experience using one-arm holds, the child will calm down much faster. Another warning, if the child is struggling against the hold, you need to stop, that means that the child is transferring their anger/frustrations from whatever the original stimuli was to you and that is something you want to avoid. If you are needing to use restraints but you haven't been formally trained on intervention systems, I really, really beg you to do so and ask questions, lots of questions. There is so much that can be done before you need to use a restraint. There are many training programs out there, I am certified in the Mandt System and it is wonderful, it focuses primarily on building healthy relationships and learning to recognize the pieces of the crisis cycle and develop tools for each part so you may be able to avoid the need for restraint. Also, restraint should only be done for a maximum of three minutes, during crisis, the body releases two chemicals that can cause death, catecholemine (sp?) and rhabdomyolysis (sp?). After using a restraint, it is very important to observe the child for signs of distress for up to 24 hours.

Just FYI the Bear Hug was not designed to be a part of "holding therapy" or traditional restraint. ITA that what is being described is an indicator of needing more investigation and information and more tools.

ETA: thank you for sharing about the program you know - I definitely believe that certain circumstances and situations require more advanced training and the trauma that some children carry with them can create all sorts of acting out. I know different states have different support for parents. There needs to be more.

[ashbobash]

Karyn Purvis (The Connected Child) has some good info on how to do a time-in (not restraining) and do-overs. These were really helpful to me In dealing with our oldest. Valuable resource for parenting kids with trauma.